'AITA for not apologizing to my dad for 'making' him miss my brother's birth?'
"AITA for not apologizing for my part in my dad missing the birth of my half brother?"
Independent-Try2362 writes:
When I (17m) was nine, my mom died from cancer. Six months after she passed, my dad met Laura. They moved in together and got married seven months later. My dad forgot about me during all of this. Before Laura, he was depressed all the time and barely left the couch.
Then, once he "got out there" and met her, he focused entirely on marrying her as fast as possible. It made me resentful, because I felt like he didn’t care about me at all, only himself.
It wasn’t until he and Laura told me she was pregnant, and I stormed out of the house at age eleven, that he finally started to question things. He followed me to my uncle’s house and asked why I had stormed off and wasn’t excited. I unloaded everything on him during the walk back to the house.
He promised he’d do better. But then his focus shifted completely to Laura and the new baby. When Laura was about to give birth, my dad told me he hated that I was pulling away and not excited, and that he’d do anything to fix our relationship.
I told him he needed to spend time with me without talking about Laura or the baby, and without canceling on me for their sake. I said he needed to prove that he meant what he said, and that one try wasn’t going to be enough.
Our first two attempts were bad. He answered several calls from Laura. On the third attempt, I told him it was his last chance. He ignored a couple of calls from her, but then read a text saying she had gone into labor.
He asked me if that would count as breaking the deal, and I said yes. So he stayed for a while, but eventually he told me I would need to forgive him and left me with my grandparents and uncle. By the time he got to the hospital, the baby had already been born.
Laura hated me for that. I didn’t “get over it” the way my dad thought I would. I realized then that our relationship would never be the same. He wasn’t the same person he was before my mom died. I know losing someone changes you.
I changed too when my mom got sick and then passed, but my dad became someone completely different. He stopped reading the room. He would just go on and on about Laura and the baby, and even when I never engaged, he still didn’t ask how I was doing.
After he missed the birth, and after everything we had discussed about not bailing on me, he acted like things were fine. He kept trying to make me hold the baby and would ask me why I wasn’t excited, but never acknowledged that I had said I wouldn’t forgive him if he left, and he left anyway.
He also pretended not to understand why Laura was so angry with me or why she refused to interact with me after that. He kept saying we were a family and that I was the best big brother.
He told her he was the happiest he had ever been and that he never loved anyone more than her or my half-brother. I was standing right there when he said that, and when I stormed off, he played dumb about why I would be upset.
I started distancing myself even more, and Laura clearly wanted me around even less. Then at the end of last year, she told my dad to send me to live somewhere else. That’s when my dad decided we all needed therapy. We started in March, but only my dad talked for the first few months. The therapist would ask me and Laura questions, but neither of us answered.
Laura broke the silence first. About a month ago, she talked about how angry she was that I made my dad choose between trying to fix his relationship with me and being there for her and my half-brother when he was born.
She said she had once hoped I would feel remorse, but I never did, and that I was the reason he missed the birth. The therapist asked why she would blame me instead of my dad, and she said it was because I had manipulated him into ignoring them just because I was upset he had moved on.
It took me a couple more weeks to speak, but when the therapist asked if I would ever apologize, I said no. When she asked why, I said it was because I didn’t feel bad. I said that day showed me nothing was ever going to change and that my dad wasn’t the parent I knew before my mom died.
I didn’t feel bad that he missed the birth. He was the one who chose when to spend time with me. I was just the one who told him not to keep canceling on me. He acted like Laura and the baby were all that mattered.
Laura once told me, when I was eleven, that I should have known babies need more time and that becoming a parent is exciting and that my dad needed to be there for her more than he needed to fix things with me.
When I refused to apologize in therapy, she said she did not want me living with her or her kids. She said she didn’t want them picking up on my hatred toward her and my dad or my indifference toward them.
She said I’m almost an adult and should feel guilty, and that the fact I don’t proves I’m without a conscience. My dad sat through all of that over two weeks and still acted like he had no idea what the problem was. AITA?
People responded to OP's post.
kirinspeaks says:
NTA. You're a kid, he's the adult, this is entirely on him.
ComprehensivePut5569 says:
NTA - Laura is a selfish, immature a&#%ole to hold a grudge against a child. She’s a sh&#ty person and I’m sorry your dad didn’t protect you better.
LDA668 says:
NTA kid but is there a chance to live with your maternal grandparents to get out of that toxic household? Your dad is a di^#k hoping that sticking his fingers in his ears and screaming lalalala will somehow magically fix the dumpster fire of a marriage.
OP responded:
I don't know about right now but maybe since Laura wants me gone and if I say I want to go it might work. My grandparents always said I could stay with them if I needed to or live with them.