'AITA for refusing to attend my dad's marriage counseling to save his marriage?'
"AITA for refusing to attend a few sessions of my dad and his wife's marriage counseling?"
SleepFrombolle writes:
This argument started three weeks ago, but I need to go back to a little over a month ago for context. My dad called me (19f) and asked if I'd go out for lunch with him because we needed to talk.
I agreed, and we went somewhere private and had lunch, just the two of us. While we were there, he asked me how I felt about his wife and whether I loved her and what she was to me from my perspective.
Then he gave examples like second mom, mom figure, best friend, or special adult. I asked why he was asking these questions, and he told me it was homework the marriage counselor had set for him and that the answers were important.
He said his wife was feeling like she was only in my life because they were married and that I didn’t care for her much either way. I told him she was right. That I didn’t love her or see her as any of the things he mentioned. I said the most I could say was that she was his wife, and I respected that he loved and wanted her, so I accepted her for that.
He told me that didn’t mean I didn’t love her, though, and he asked me a bunch of questions about different situations. If he died, if they divorced, if they were both elderly and needed care and my half-siblings couldn’t do it all, or if they both needed care and my half-siblings were too young to help, would I care for her like I would for him?
I told him if they divorced, I wouldn’t stay in touch with her, and it would be the same if he died. I told him I’d take care of him, that I loved him, that he gave me a good life, but I wouldn’t do the same for her.
I tried to insist that the questions stop there, but they didn’t. He wanted to know if I loved her at least like someone I’m very close to, and I told him no and said I’m not very close to her. He said he didn’t think twelve was too old to form a close bond with a stepparent, and I told him maybe not for some, but for me, it was.
He asked me if I hadn’t wanted him to find someone to love who could be a maternal figure for me. I told him honestly that I believed him when he swore for years after Mom died that there’d never be someone else.
That I wasn’t mad about it not being true, but he blindsided me when he told me at twelve he’d fallen in love and was getting married again. I told him I was ten or eleven, maybe, when he last said there’d never be another after Mom, and I believed him.
A couple of weeks after that, my dad told me I needed to join in the marriage counseling sessions because his wife was feeling like s&#t, and we needed to all come together and find a way forward where she felt loved and wanted by me.
He said he was worried his marriage would end if we didn’t figure it out. I told him I wasn’t joining their marriage counseling and that it had nothing to do with me. He told me it had everything to do with me because she didn’t want to stay married if she was merely tolerated by me.
He said we needed to figure it out as a family, and he told me if I didn’t go, it might break his wife’s heart enough that the marriage ends now. But I put my foot down and said no again. He’s asked me every week since, and my answer hasn’t changed.
He said his wife broke down at their last session and said she didn’t want to have a family that wasn’t whole, and that the counselor had wanted to speak to me too. He said my refusal was killing his marriage and that I should figure out a way with his wife, because if they were together long term, she would be around my kids and she might not want to be a grandparent to them if I’m indifferent to her. AITA?
Here are the top rated comments.
MelTheKeeper says:
NTA. I can’t believe the counselor is asking as well. His wife needs to understand that she is his wife. If you are respectful to her in that role, that is all she can ask—and only if she is respectful in return. She isn’t owed your love, and if she wants it so badly, she should have put in the effort to form that kind of relationship.
Her relationship with you is separate from her relationship with him. If they are in marriage counseling, that is for them to connect as a couple and work on their issues. Three adults shaming a 19-year-old into a relationship is ridiculous. They need to accept where you stand now, and instead of guilt-tripping you and sending a proxy, your stepmom should have tried to build a relationship when you were a kid and living there.
No_Cockroach4248 says:
Are you sure your dad and his wife are meeting with a professional and qualified counselor? Your dad’s marriage is in trouble and his wife is projecting the cause of the breakdown in their relationship onto the lack of a relationship with her adult step daughter and sidestepping the real issues in their marriage.
If your dad and his wife are serious about trying to fix their marriage, they should get a better/qualified counselor and be honest with the counselor as to the root cause of their problems. NTA.
Both-Butterfly-58 says:
NTA. Their marriage is not your responsibility.
Turbulent_Ebb5669 says:
Marriage counselling is for people who are married.