'I'm not attracted to my wife, and never have been. AITA?' UPDATED
"I'm not attracted to my wife, and never have been. AITA?"
I (M30s) am not attracted to my wife, and I never have been. I can't tell anyone without risking ruining my entire life but I just need to say it aloud (kind of). I had two relationships before my wife, and I also wasn't attracted to either of them. No, I'm not gay and no I'm not asexual, I experience sexual attraction to women and women only.
But I'm ugly, I'll say it plainly, it is what it is. I'm chunky, bald, acne scars all over my face and body, I can't grow facial hair, I need glasses and have a lazy eye. It is what it is, and I'm fine with it. I know this will sound shallow but I don't know how else to explain it.
On a scale of 1-10 I'm a two. But for some reason, my body and brain only recognizes attraction to women at a 7+. They are out of my league and I know that. Everyone knows that. My friends and family know that. And the women know that.
I wish I could change it, I swear to god it's not a choice. The women that like me, are also around that 2-4 range, which makes sense. Again, I know numbers are shallow, but it's the simplest way of explaining how I feel.
I am completely ok with 2/4 women being the only ones into me. Honestly, I'm ok with that, I wouldn't dare ask a supermodel to date me because I understand how off putting it can be to be with someone that you're not attracted to, but that's my dilemma.
I'm not attracted to the woman that wants me, and I don't understand why.
It sucks. I want to experience that full range of love, but there's one aspect always missing.
I love my wife, I really, honestly, truly love her, but it's because she's my best friend, not because I think she's beautiful. She's an amazing, caring, loving, funny, kind and generous person that I enjoy being around and living my life with.
I love her, but I'm not attracted to her, and even saying that, I know she's more attractive than I am. It's BS. I want to be attracted to her, I've tried so hard. It's just... not there.
For years and years and years I had crushes on and approached women when I felt that spark of attraction, they always rejected me and my friends (both male and female) gently tried encouraging me to 'lower my standards' which I understand but also don't.
I was not being picky, I only approached people I felt that spark for, for anyone else, they may as well be another man, my body is just not interested and I can't force it. I dated twice before my wife, both times I was introduced to them by mutual friends.
They were good friends, and I liked being around them, but we fought and didn't always get along, and without any satisfying sexual component (for me at least) I found it hard to be with them. My now wife and I met through shared hobbies, we were friends for a few years before she initiated the relationship.
By that point, all my other friends were married or engaged, she was my absolute bestest friend, way closer than my previous partners, and I genuinely liked spending all my time with her. So I agreed to it, intimacy is fine, not epic, its intimacy so the sensation feels good even if it's awkward and I 'close my eyes and imagine'.
We have children now, and to this day I really, really love her and the family we have together. We go camping, fishing, skiing. We have holiday traditions and hobbies. The girls attack me with make-up from time to time and I join in their dress up games when they ask.
As a family we build forts and play video games, have movie nights etc. I love it and I love our life. But I love her like we're best friends, and I'm still not attracted to her. Over the years, I've tried so hard to force it, even tried hypnosis, but it fails.
I don't look at her and have any sexual feelings. It's actually quite hard to... get it up... and she thinks I have ED, which she's so amazing for being so kind about. I love being her best friend and I love our children and I love living with her and being each others lives, but I'm not attracted to her.
Am I an AH for doing this? For being with her? Lately I've been feeling quite guilty for it all. I love her so much but idk. Am I an AH for keeping her from finding someone that is better than me? That will appreciate her physically?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Do you think she still would have wanted to marry you if she knew you felt this way about her from the beginning?
YTA. ohmygod if my partner thought that way about me I would be so hurt. Like have you seriously never been attracted to someone for their personality?? Once you love someone's personality it stops to matter what they look like.
Then again you do have the mindset where you reductively rank ppl on a 10 point scale so its not surprising. See a shrink for your self-hate/low-self worth or whatever, that's probably what's actually in the way of you opening your heart to someone. Not their not being supermodels.
She’s probably not terribly attracted to you, either, and loves you and your life together the same as you love her. Sexual attraction isn’t the end all and be-all. If it’s legal in your state, an Indica-heavy hybrid might help you be able to connect with her from a mental place and enjoy the physical part because of the body high.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
My wife found my post.
Last night, we put the girls to bed and did their nightly routines, before heading back out to the living room. My wife and I sat down on the couch to watch TV, when she sent me a link. I clicked it, it was my reddit post.
She was waiting to see what my reaction was, cause there was no message and she said nothing as I opened it and read. Apparently, I've got a terrible poker face (she also knows my tells) because after a moment she just laughed, saying "the post is yours, right?"
As a couple people on my previous post suggested, it turns out, the feeling is mutual. She isn't physically attracted to me either. She said my number ranking scale was a terrible way of explaining it, but she understood what I meant. She said that for her, there is also pressure of self-esteem, that even if someone that hot liked her, she'd always be too self-conscious to ever be happy.
Whereas, with me, there is no pressure because, and I quote, "you're as ugly as I am, we match" and you know what? I'll take it. According to her, she always wanted a family and kids, and loves what we have.
Minus the sexual component, she loves me too and believes that bond is more important for building a happy life together. Apparently she likes the effort I put in as a husband and father, and that more than makes up for the "lack of a turn on."
Yes I do the flowers, and gifts, and holidays, and mothers day surprises. I work hard on making sure she knows I'm happy and appreciate/value her. Because I do, I really do love her, she used the words "platonic marriage" and that does better describe us. She'd always wanted kids and a family, and dated a lot in hopes of trying to find her person, but mostly ended up with "toxic guys".
Her mom was the one that convinced her to give me a shot, despite not feeling physically attraction she pleasantly surprised with how easy, calm and happy our relationship was, which is ultimately why she decided I was the one she wanted a family with. Oh and it turns out that both of us are imagining the Pirates of the Caribbean when we have relations, which we thought is kind of hilarious.
She just wanted to check in and say that, maybe things would be different if she *was* attracted to me, maybe she'd be upset, but the reality is that we're both happy with how our lives and family have turned out. She didn't want me feeling guilty when we both feel the same way.
So we are going to keep living our life together. Yes, intimacy is always going to be a bit lank, but I love her, and she loves me. We are really lucky to have each found someone that clicks so well with our personalities, that living together is easy, calm and comfortable.
We both agree that the odds of finding someone that meshes this well with you is rare, and we're not going to throw it away just because our monkey brains aren't 100% happy. She's an amazing wife, I'm really lucky to have her.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I suspect this attitude to marriage was quite normal before we all started trying to live like a Disney movie.
Sooo….. crazy thought here for ya OP. Why don’t yall get pirate costumes for sexy times? Send the kids to the gparents and start exploring with each other. Might bring you two closer sexually.
I dont get the "we are so ugly that we cant be attracted to each other"! I had the best sex with people who were by no means slim, fit, nice looking or well dressed, rather the opposite. And I have been turned on by the very much, because of their energy and what they put into the relationship.