'AITA for asking my ex's affair partner if she knew he was married to me?'
AITA for asking my ex's affair partner if she knew he was married to me when they started their affair and then using that to answer why I won't help her out by babysitting her kid?
My ex-husband (34m) cheated on me (32f) with Anna (34f) for close to two years. I found out about the affair because our finances were no longer adding up. After looking into it I discovered he was buying things for Anna and for her daughter, who was 6 at the time.
Apparently she was on the verge of leaving him because she was tired of how things were going, and he was buying things to keep her happy. He tried to justify all of this to me when I told him I was filing for divorce by saying he gave Anna so little time because he was devoted to me and our two kids, and that a little money to keep everyone happy was not a bad thing.
When he accepted that I was not staying with him, he moved in with Anna and her daughter. I communicated directly with my ex only by email or text and only about our children. There is no close co-parenting relationship and no attempt to be friends. My ex and Anna are not my friends, they are not my family, and I dislike both of them.
Anna reached out a few times and said we should be supporting each other and working as a family of three parents. I ignored her messages, and in person I told her once that we would never be friends or family and that I did not want her brushing aside what she and my ex did and expecting me to be fine with it. She tried again after that, but I simply ignored her.
A couple of weeks ago Anna approached me at a school function for my two kids (her daughter goes to a different school) and told me her sitter was no longer able to babysit after school. She asked if I would pick her daughter up every Friday and babysit until 8 p.m.
I already do this for my two children, but they are not picked up until 5 p.m. on Fridays because they have activities after school. Anna’s daughter had always been with a sitter. She told me I might not want to be her friend, but I should be willing to help her out because of the kids.
I asked her if she was aware my ex was married when they started their affair, and if she knew he was married with children when she started sleeping with him. At first she refused to answer, and I waited. She eventually admitted she knew he was married with kids.
Then I told her I would give her the same consideration she gave me and my children, whom she was trying to use as leverage. I told her I would not babysit and that she had no right to use my kids as a reason why I should help her.
I reminded her that she willingly slept with their father while he was still married to me, and even though he shared most of the responsibility, she helped destroy their family. She had no right to expect me to help her or to use my children as some sort of bargaining chip when she showed no concern for any of us at the time.
She started to say something else, but I walked away and went to my children, who could not see or hear us during the discussion. I refused to be caught alone with her again. She texted me after the function and told me I was not being very kind to her daughter, but I ignored it. Then she told me it was not okay for me to refuse just to throw the answer back in her face and that I needed to get over the cheating.
My ex emailed asking why I could not watch all three kids on Fridays if I was already keeping our two. I told him I had already given my answer to Anna and would not be clarifying further. He texted me that I was being petty and that Anna’s daughter did not deserve to be punished for her mother’s actions. He also brought up the question I asked Anna and the way I used it, saying it was not fair.
My oldest gave me a heads up when my kids got back from my ex’s last week that their dad and Anna were upset with me. The kids were not told anything directly, but they overheard their dad and Anna talking about me. I informed my attorney and we documented it.
I do not feel like I was wrong for saying no, but maybe my dislike for my ex and Anna is affecting how I see the situation. Maybe I did too much and could have simply said no and left it at that. Or maybe I should not be saying no at all. Am I the bad person?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Agile-Wait-7571 says:
You’re not wrong. Avoid awful people to the extent you can.
OP responded:
I avoid them to the best of my ability. For the kids we see each other sometimes but I try to keep it to a minimum.
N0t_Dr3amy says:
If it’s one thing people have after they screw you over is the audacity, people who cross you always want you to be the one to get over what they did to you, and be the bigger person. Screw that, and make them stand on it, they wanted each other so bad, now they have each other, and need to figure out how to find a babysitter for her child. That’s not your responsibility and the fact they had the balls to ask is really blowing me.
OP responded:
She had the balls to tell me we should be a three parent family supporting each other so it really doesn't surprise me that she had the balls for this. The only surprise for me is that she would feel okay with me taking care of her daughter when she knows how I feel about her and my ex.
If that were me, not that it would ever be because I'm no affair partner, I would be very wary of allowing the ex wife who hates my guts to babysit my child or ever be alone with them.
What do you think?