'AITA for not completely changing my kids life just to accommodate her father's new family?'
"AITA for not completely changing my kids life just do accommodate her father?"
Ill-Statisticia-mem writes:
I (35F) was with my ex Tom (40M) for a few years before having our daughter (10F). When she was a few weeks old, he moved out and in with another woman and has rarely been involved since. I finally put him on child support a few years ago, and you would think he was father of the year for paying $300 a month. He never really had custody. I never kept her from him, but I was not going to chase him around trying to force him to be involved.
Last year he remarried Peggy (45F) and is now asking for more custody. I talked to my daughter’s therapist and agreed to every other weekend for now. I am not forcing my child to change her life just because Tom now wants to play family.
The problem is that Tom and Peggy’s house is miserable for my daughter. I am trying to keep her positive about it, but honestly, they are not the kind of people or behaviors she is used to. They yell a lot, do not care much about hygiene or keeping a clean house (not CPS-level bad, but nowhere near normal standards, much less mine), and she cannot stand Peggy’s kids.
There are five in total, though two are older and out of the house. The ones still there are a 17-year-old son, a 12-year-old daughter, and a son the same age as my daughter. They have almost no supervision, are always on their phones, and there is no structure. On top of that, Peggy is an anti-vaxxer.
My daughter plays soccer, and they showed up 45 minutes late to her game last weekend like it was no big deal. She was texting me, panicked that she would miss it. When I called Tom, he yelled at me for calling.
Tom and Peggy also live far out in the country. It is about a 25–30 minute drive from my house to theirs. I told him from the beginning that I had no intention of driving hours or changing our lives to accommodate him, and he promised it would not be a problem.
Now he says we need to set up a meeting point or switch off handovers. I am already frustrated that my daughter has to be in the car for so long just because Peggy “needs to have a lot of property.” I told him absolutely not. He was the one who chose to live so far away, so he can do the driving.
Finally, his most outrageous request has been to take my daughter out of her school. She got into our district’s competitive magnet school, which is not easy to do. We both worked hard for it: I handled the forms and meetings, but she earned her spot on her own merits. Tom says his step-kids (who he is apparently adopting) are jealous of her opportunities, and he wants to enroll her in their local public school. That is not happening.
My daughter already has positive male role models who actually care about her well-being, not just appearances. Tom can threaten to go to court, but I will believe it when I see it. He has never followed through before, and I doubt a judge would side with him anyway. I have always had full custody, I have never kept her from him, and I will continue to stand up for my daughter. But does that make me the AH?
Here are the comments from the post.
askashleythatsme8 says:
Stop these visits, lawyer up. Your daughter isn’t happy going there, what are you doing?
Own-Cable8865 says:
Make sure you tell the school he is not allowed to move her out - my ex did that while he had the child in August and just brought her to the new school the first day then told me. Talk to your lawyer, he can’t just swoop in now and start demanding changes to your systems, it’s causing your daughter distress. Have her discuss with her therapist if she has one. Good luck and good for you keeping your little girl stable and safe. NTA.
OP responded:
I have full custody, legal and decision making so he couldn’t do that. I did get her a therapist for all of this, but can only afford for her to see her monthly. Tom said he’d help pay but now refuses.
Trick_Delivery4609 says:
NTA. Lawyer up. It is possible that she can choose where she wants to go, but that is usually 15+ in most areas. But mostly, DOCUMENT everything!!! Write down every refusal, every time he is late, every time she says ANYTHING. It helps in the courts if it goes that way.