'AITA for not chipping in on a birthday dinner ($3,512) that I did not plan?' UPDATED x2
"AITA for not chipping in for a Gucci bag or a €3,000 ($3,512) birthday dinner I didn’t plan?"
clarazn writes:
I (29F) and my husband (35M) are part of a close group of friends. We’re all in our late twenties to mid thirties, most of us are married or in serious relationships, and we usually celebrate birthdays together. The usual setup has always been that the birthday person hosts and pays for everyone.
But about a year ago, this weird new tradition started. For each birthday, someone opens a WhatsApp group and says, “Let’s all chip in for this really expensive gift.” We’re talking about things like Hermes flip-flops, Formula 1 tickets, Gucci bags. It’s all very public and a bit uncomfortable to say no.
My husband and I have always gone along with it, even though it’s felt a bit much at times. For example, we paid around €300 towards a €1,500 Formula 1 ticket for my husband’s best friend, let’s call him Tom.
At the time, it felt okay. But now things are different. We’re already parents to one child, we’re trying for a second, and we just opened a new business which we fully funded from our own savings. Everyone in the group knows this, including Tom. We’re doing fine financially, but we’re definitely being more careful. These expensive group gifts are not something we feel comfortable doing anymore.
A few weeks ago it was my husband’s birthday. One of the friends asked if I was going to open a WhatsApp group for a gift. I said no. My husband didn’t want anything. We hosted everyone for a pool party, paid for everything ourselves, and were happy to do it.
For the record, Tom gave my husband a nice bottle of tequila worth around €100. We appreciated it. I’m not complaining at all. I’ve never judged or compared gifts, and I’ve been genuinely grateful for every single one, no matter the price.
Two weeks later, it was Tom’s girlfriend’s birthday. He opened a group chat and said she would like a Gucci bag. I told my husband I didn’t want to participate in this one. He agreed. We didn’t reply in the group, but we bought her a €120 massage voucher as a gift.
Her birthday was held at a really fancy and expensive beach restaurant. We went, enjoyed the event, had fun, and made sure the birthday girl had a blast. A few days later, Tom wrote in the group that the bill was €3,000 and said that if anyone would like to contribute, they could.
I told my husband I didn’t want to chip in. We didn’t choose the place. We gave her a gift. And again, we’re being more mindful about money right now. He obviously agreed. Then Tom messaged my husband privately and said he expected us to help with the dinner bill since we didn’t join the group gift.
He said our €100 gift wasn’t enough, brought up the fact that we had always participated before, including for his Formula 1 ticket, and said we were being jerks for not pitching in at all this time.
I honestly don’t understand it. I’ve never once complained about the gifts we got. I’ve always been thankful. But suddenly we’re being labeled as the rude ones just because we made a different choice this time based on our current situation.
There were plenty of comments on OP's post before OP posted two updates.
Archkat says:
NTA You can tell him that you are opting out of the tradition and since you already had a birthday and didn’t ask anyone to pay that’s the proof.
Equivalent_March3225 says:
Doing what "Tom" did is just bad manners. If I am hosting a get together I PAY. I certainly wouldn't dream of asking other people to cough up and say that the gift they sent wasn't expensive enough.
On my last birthday I received a beautiful teapot, a selection of teas from all over the world and my favorite biscuits. My family chose these things because they knew I'd love them. My Grandma also said she'd buy me three e-books of my choice. I was very grateful. It's not about the monetary value. Or at least it shouldn't be. The world is so materialistic these days, it's sad.
OP posted an update the same day:
After reading all the comments here, we realized we might not have been as clear as we thought. So we decided to write a message in the group chat with all our friends: "Hi guys, first of all, we love you all. Just wanted to say we’re no longer participating in the group gift tradition. With our growing family and the new business, we’re trying to be more mindful with money. We’ll always celebrate you in our own way. Thanks for understanding."
Everyone in the group was super supportive and said they understood completely. Everyone decided to just stop this tradition and go back to simply celebrating each other's special day.
Then, privately, one couple reached out to us and said they’re currently going through IVF (which is super expensive) and have also felt uncomfortable with the pressure but didn’t know how to say it. They were relieved we spoke up.
Tom, on the other hand, texted my husband saying the message felt passive aggressive and like we were throwing shade. His girlfriend messaged me saying we should have just said privately that we “don’t have the money” and that now we’ve ruined the tradition for everyone. She doesn’t know about the other couple.
I told her, “Well, my birthday is coming up and I want a trip to Thailand for my whole family.” No answer, obviously. It stirred things up a bit, but it also helped more people feel comfortable. So I think it was worth it.
OP posted another update a day later.
To make sure there were no hard feelings, we also sent Tom €200 to cover our share of the food and drinks from his girlfriend’s birthday dinner. Then today, we spoke with them again, and things got even more frustrating.
They told us that our decision not to do any group gift, or any gift at all, for my husband's birthday came off as condescending and inconsiderate, as if we think we’re better than them for not wanting gifts. Apparently, it "made life harder for everyone." That was never our intention. We just genuinely didn’t want anything and were happy to host and celebrate without gifts.
As a group, we’ve now all agreed to go back to the old tradition where the birthday person hosts everyone. When we were younger, that usually meant breakfast, lunch, or dinner at home. Nothing over the top. It felt more personal and less stressful, and everyone seems happier returning to that.
Lastly, my husband and I have decided to take a step back from Tom. This whole situation made it clear that a lot of people in the group feel like they can’t say anything around him without him getting offended. We’re not angry, just tired. We want to enjoy our friendships without walking on eggshells.
People have been asking and we're a group of 5 couples. Thanks again to everyone who commented on the original post. You helped us feel less alone for feeling the way we did. In the end, we think this reset was needed, both for us and for the group.