'AITA for refusing to let my brother hijack Thanksgiving and make it all vegan food?'
"AITA for refusing to cook a vegan Thanksgiving dinner?"
Suspicious-Basil7882 says:
I feel like I’ve slipped into the twilight zone with this whole argument, so tell me what’s up, internet folks Background: I (31F) and my brother Mark (35M) do not get along. When he was a teen, he saw a documentary on factory farming and decided to become a vegetarian.
He got very, very annoying about it quickly, but my dad shut him down when he started trying to get the rest of us to be vegetarian with him. Then he went to college, made a bunch of very strange friends, and went militantly vegan. It’s his entire personality.
I stopped talking to him after he threw a fit about one of my birthday dinners being at a steakhouse and spammed my messages and social media with pictures of horrific conditions of factory farming. My parents have been trying to repair the situation, and for a while, it did seem like Mark was getting better, so I’ve been letting him back into contact gradually.
Then he started dating Pam, who is some kind of vegan influencer. She is apparently moderately popular online, but I have no idea what she does exactly. I don’t know if Mark was trying to impress her or what, but last Thanksgiving he insisted that mom cook at least a vegetarian meal or they wouldn’t come on “ethical grounds.”
My mom just wanted everyone to get along on her favorite holiday, so she agreed. It was not a fun meal. This year, my parents have downsized for retirement, and my mom is having health problems. I bought their house when they moved, so my mom asked me to host Thanksgiving so it would be like usual.
I told everyone in the group chat so Mark and Pam could make travel arrangements, and Pam immediately started gushing about all the vegan replacement recipes she could give me to replace the traditional ones.
I said to send me a main dish recipe they like, and I would give it a shot, but I’m making the traditional meal otherwise, and there should still be plenty of things they can eat. Mark and Pam have been arguing about this with me for days, and then Mark said that if I wouldn’t make a meat-free meal, they wouldn’t come.
This upset my mom, who asked me to just make what she made last year to keep the peace, but I told her that Mark needs to get over himself and I’m not coddling him. I’m having turkey on Thanksgiving.
My dad privately agrees with me, but Mark threatening to not come is upsetting my mom so much that he’s worried it will impact her health. There’s a not-big, but also not-zero chance that these might be some of the last family holidays we have with her. My mom thinks I’m putting turkey over my own family, and I’m not so sure anymore. AITA?
OP added more context in the comments:
L1mpD says:
Hijacking’s top comment. NTA but hear me out. Thanksgiving has traditional dishes, but at the end of the day it’s about spending time with family you love. Your brother probably (rightfully so) doesn’t fall into that category, but sounds like your mom does and your dad does.
Not sure what the point of having a thanksgiving where your brother is not there and everyone else is unhappy. Your mom will be sad, your dad will be sad about your mom being sad. If this could really be one of her last holidays, I think you should consider biting the bullet and host it for her sake (or allow her or the wife to cook everything at your house).
Make it known privately to your dad that after this your brother is dead to you and he will not be invited to any holidays. 10 years from now I don’t think you’ll regret the time you had to choke down intolerable food and the even more intolerable smugness of your brother and his sh%^#y wife.
You may regret your mom going to the grave in an unhappy state thinking her kids will never reconcile. Again, not saying you have to do it or you are in anyway an AH if you don’t. Just food for thought.
OP responded:
To be fair, last Thanksgiving was miserable and everyone was unhappy even with the vegetarian meal. Dad was pissed because he is the designated turkey maker and it’s his favorite part, something he looks forward to doing all year. Mom worked really hard to make the meal, but it came out bland anyway.
Almost all the favorite family hand me down recipes have meat or dairy in them so the rest of us missed out on favorite shared foods and Mark and Pam still didn’t like it and spent the whole meal “educating” us about veganism. It’s going to be a bad time either way, I think.
JadieBugXD says:
My aunt was vegan, she brought her own meals to family gatherings. Why can’t they do the same? NTA.
OP responded:
They object to participating in anything that involves meat. Won’t even go to non-vegetarian restaurants. They’re really extreme about it.
wlrstsk says:
If you let mark & pam host at your house/parents’ former house & have turkey with your dad a different day of the weekend. it’s a win-win-win-win.
OP responded:
They started doing the Van Life thing when they got serious and decided to live together. It would almost be worth the irritation to watch them try to host a whole family Thanksgiving vegan meal out of a van.