'AITA for not faking grief after my dad's wife died and making her daughter angry at me?'

"AITA for not faking grief after my dad's wife died and making her daughter not want me there?"

Jayymm9 writes:

My parents divorced when I (16M) was 3. They were on okay terms at first, but that changed when I was 6 and my dad started dating his wife. There were issues between her and my mom, and I heard my dad's wife say 11 different times that she hoped my mom would drop dead so she and dad's family could all be together and they wouldn’t have to share me.

My parents had 50/50 custody, so it wasn’t like I was at dad’s more or that my mom was flaky. But hearing his wife say she wanted my mom dead made me not like her very much. Her daughter didn’t like that I didn’t like her mom. She’s a year younger than I am, and she was really protective of her mom (and still is). We have that in common because I’m protective of my mom. But it meant we fought a lot and never got along.

My feelings about dad’s wife never changed, not when my half-siblings were born and not after knowing her for almost 10 years. When she died a few weeks ago, she wasn’t someone I missed or grieved for. I still don’t.

For me, she was someone I tolerated because my dad loved her, but she was never special or important to me. A part of me even found it kind of funny after she wished my mom dead so many times. She probably wished it more than the 11 times I heard. I never said I found that part funny, but I do.

It was my mom’s week when dad’s wife died, and I went to dad’s house the next day since she died late at night. Dad was a mess, and so were my half-siblings and his wife’s daughter. It was awkward because dad kept telling me I didn’t need to hold back my tears and that it was okay to cry, but I just never felt like I wanted to cry.

I couldn’t say that, though. His wife’s daughter brought it up a couple of hours after I got there. She told me I didn’t look sad at all and asked how much I hated her mom if I couldn’t even look sad or act like I lost my “second mom.” I told her that wasn’t what her mom was, and she stormed up to her room.

Dad told me it was okay to grieve someone I didn’t always get along with, and that it would make sense because she was a part of my family. I spent most of that visit avoiding the conversation.

A few days later, my dad asked if I wanted to do something at the funeral, and I said no. That made his stepdaughter angry again. She told me we were all supposed to do something as her kids, and I said I wasn’t her kid and she wasn’t my mom.

Two days after the funeral, she blew up at dad and told him that if she was staying, I couldn’t be there because she could tell from how not-sad I was that I was glad her mom was dead and that she hated me.

She said all they ever wanted was for me to be their son and brother, but I never wanted that. I wanted my mom instead. She told dad she couldn’t stand to look at my face anymore and wanted to beat me up every second we were in the same place. Dad tried to calm her down, but she told him she hated me as much as I hated her mom.

My dad took me aside and told me I should show my grief a little so that she would feel better about me being there. I told him I was going back home to my mom because it would get physical between us if we were both there, and I knew he wanted her there. He told me that wasn’t the answer and that I needed to show my grief a little.

I told him I didn’t feel any. Dad didn’t take it well and looked angry at me. He said I could have at least faked it, because my lack of grief was distracting. He also said it made his stepdaughter not want me there.

He called her my sister, and I said no. I told him we were never like that, I wasn’t going to fake anything for her, and I wasn’t going to stick around for her to attack me when fighting back would get me into worse trouble than her.

Dad isn’t happy about it, and he keeps trying to get me to go back to his house. But his stepdaughter said if I do, she’s gone. She told dad she was hurt that he’d chase after me instead of wanting her, so now he’s pushing me more quietly. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

writing_mm_romance says:

I'd tell your father that you constantly overheard that woman say she wished your mom would die. If he doesn't understand then, then he's a terrible father anyway and you should go no contact.

NobleCorgi says:

NTA. I’d say to your step sister in front of your dad “I respect your grief. She was my younger siblings’ mom and I know dad loved her and is grieving. I tried to be quietly there for you all.

However, I cannot perform grief for someone who repeatedly wished my own mother dead. I never wished your mother death, but she did wish that upon my mom. Would you mourn me had I wished your mother dead? I doubt it.”

Nanabanafofana says:

NTA sometimes there are people in our lives that for whatever reason we cannot mourn. It is almost a neutral feeling the same way whether they are here or gone. I understand your stepsister‘s grief is overwhelming because that was her mother.

Have you ever told your father that you have heard his wife wish your mom was dead on more than one occasion? That would explain a lot to him. There is nothing you can say to your stepsister that’s going to change her mind so just let her be. You are navigating a very complicated situation. I wish you luck.

OP responded:

I did talk to my dad about it before. He knows I know she did that. Maybe he thinks he was able to explain it away to me back then but he couldn't. Nobody could because I heard her say it often enough to know no excuse would matter.

What do you think?