"AITA for not going to Dungeons & Dragons night?"
I [22F] have been with my [22M] husband—let’s call him Dave—for five years. We have a little girl together, who I will refer to as Brianne. I am currently pregnant with our next child. I am 10 weeks along, so I’m in the prime time for nausea and vomiting, and I have been experiencing a lot of it.
Every other Wednesday, my husband and I drop off our daughter at a grandparent’s house so we can play DND with our group. Today, I have thrown up three times and do not feel any better. I work at a preschool, so I am lucky to be able to bring my daughter to work.
I work Monday through Friday. My husband has Tuesdays and Wednesdays off and works weekends. Even on the days Dave has off, I still take Brianne to work so he can really rest. On the weekends, I am still a mom, and Dave cannot take Brianne, so breaks are hard to come by.
I was sleeping during Brianne’s nap today when my husband shook me awake to say we needed to leave right now to go to DND. I immediately got a headache—probably from being dehydrated—and felt sick, so I told him I think I need to rest and not go this time.
Dave was obviously frustrated, and he said, "I put my foot down. You are going." He said we agreed to do this every other Wednesday, so we are doing it. I told him he can still go without me.
Dave continued, saying, "Well, I am just going to tell everyone you didn’t want to come." I told him that’s not true—I did not want to miss out, but I need to rest and not put my body through more activity right now.
So, I texted the group chat to let them know I wasn’t coming because I had been throwing up and needed to rest. The whole group was very kind and understanding, saying "We will protect Orok (my character)!" and "Get better!" Which was nice and actually made me tear up a little because it made me feel cared for.
Soon after I sent that to the chat, Dave said he was leaving Brianne home. I asked, "Why can you not take her still so that I can actually rest?" He said it was a waste of time to take her to Grandma’s when he could just leave her here with me.
He has been fully aware of how sick I have been these past couple of weeks, as he has heard me throwing up in the bathroom. So, I told him that he was being selfish and only thinking about himself.
He got extremely flustered and started to get our daughter ready. I told him his frustration toward me and lack of care was making me scared, and he should not leave our daughter at home. At that point, Dave started ignoring me.
I began to plead with him to leave her here because, in my mind during this, I thought, "If he cannot treat his wife with love and respect, I cannot trust him to do the same with our daughter."
However, he talked sweetly to Brianne despite his attitude toward me. On his way out, he was short and harsh in tone when saying goodbye. He texted me literally 40 minutes ago with an apology, but I am debating whether I really have anything to apologize for, too. He really got me wondering—AITA for canceling plans?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Awkward-Houseplant says:
NTA- He’s literally putting a GAME ahead of his pregnant wife. He’s acting like a basement dwelling 25 year old that still lives with his parents. Throwing a fit because his little game night didn’t go as planned. Meanwhile you’re responsible for the care of your child 24/7 all while creating a new child.
LienaSha says:
INFO: Does Dave do anything for you ever? Does he take Brianne in the evenings for a few hours? Does he take care of chores? Does he cook? Honestly, you're NTA either way, but I'm curious if he's otherwise a good husband and this was a one-off instance or whether he's a generally slug-like creature you'd be better off without.
Teshi says:
Wtf. Absolutely NTA. What in the world could you have to apologize for. You are sick and tired with the pregnancy stage you are in and need this one evening off, a perfectly normal thing to do when you're not feeling your best. Everyone with a brain understands. Why in the world would your husband be even remotely upset about this?
Human_Ad7946 says:
NTA - but you already knew that. My question is, why did you choose to post this specific scenario? Because I am unwilling to believe that Dave suddenly became an AH this one and only time. You're only 22 years old and about to become saddled with two children with a guy, that I can only imagine, treats you poorly more often than you'd like to admit.
Later OP came back and updated the post:
First of all, thank you all for your replies! I was not expecting so many people to have interest in this story so that was a surprise. I wish I could give you all an exciting crazy update but this is actually a simple and good one.
Many of you suggested that I up and leave Dave and that IATA for procreating with Dave. I understand your POV as I did not share about Dave in the best of light. This was one of those rare, out of normal behavior instances for him.
My husband does struggle with selfishness at times but he is always open to talking about things so that is what we did. I sat Dave down and told him that his selfishness is making me feel unloved and not cared for and I am not sure if that is someone who I would like to spend my energy on or if it is fair to our kids.
He did not get mad or defensive when I said this. I brought up our DND incident plus others that portrayed selfishness and he apologized saying he wants to do better for me and our kids because we deserve better than what he has been giving. He was being genuine with lots of hugs. I told him as long as he works on it and chooses to be more selfless, we have nothing to worry about.
The next day he brought me gifts when he got home from work which was a nice gesture to show he was thinking about me. Since talking about everything, Dave has stepped up a lot, offering to drive Brianne places and by taking on more things at home. He is genuinely trying.
Selfishness is a bad habit and I’m not saying it is my job to fix anyone’s habits because it is not but everyone deserves a little grace and I am happy to help someone who is clearly trying to be better and is willing to fight to change. I had bad habits when we first started to date and he was there for me and helped me become better although it was not his job either.
I know a lot of you think leaving is the best option but I would like to stay because Dave does have a good heart and this little snippet story of our lives is not a fair representation of who he is as a person. If he does not end up changing, that is a road I will have to cross later but for now, my husband is doing what I am needing from him and as a parent.