'AITA for not giving my daughter's delinquent stepdaughter a graduation gift?'
:"AITA for telling my daughter that we are not going to attend her daughter's graduation?"
CarmenDeeJay writes:
My daughter’s ("Tanya," 34) stepdaughter, "Lyn," is set to graduate from high school this June. She booked a flight and hotel rooms at a beach resort in advance and anticipated we would all join them for her graduation. None of her siblings, her father, or I are planning to attend. Why not?
Because two Christmases ago, my husband and I were out of town over the holiday and did not host a family get-together. Instead, we sent all the grandchildren $250 Amazon downloaded gift cards. Last year, although we did host the holiday, we opted to give the same gift to each grandchild (except the little ones, since they love opening presents so much).
When I handed them out to Tanya to hold for them, she acted almost as if she did not want to take them. My grandson piped in, "Are we going to get more gift cards with nothing on them?" We were shocked.
I called up Amazon and verified there were funds and they had been used, but then came the question: where did it go? To Lyn. She used all $1200 plus on her own junk, then lied to Tanya when the stuff arrived and said it was from her "real mom."
In March, Tanya’s other kids decided they were going to redeem the cards, and one by one they each piled stuff on the computer checkout counter. The balances were zero, so they had to walk away with nothing. Tanya was so embarrassed, thinking that we used the money ourselves or never put money on them.
When Tanya learned who took the money, she asked if I could replace the cards because Lyn did not have any money to do it. We said no, but we did say Lyn’s future gifts would be divided among the siblings from whom she pilfered the cash.
To go to the graduation and spend a bunch of money on an expensive hotel room (we would have to cover seven different rooms plus food and transportation) for one who has never made it right with her siblings nor apologized to us is unthinkable. In our eyes, Lyn burned the bridge.
Tanya and "Bill," our son-in-law, are angry with us because "Lyn made a mistake" and "this is her big moment." We are supposed to turn the other cheek and give her a graduation gift regardless. But my husband and I think about how angry her kids were to have been stiffed by us and how Lyn knew about it but did not correct their assumption, letting us look bad. Lyn has never even apologized to us for it.
In Lyn’s defense, she had a terrible childhood. Bill and her bio mom both spent time in jail when she was a toddler. Bill was in for selling illegal substances, and her bio mom was in for her fourth DUI.
Since being released, Bill has straightened up his act, but her bio mom is facing another (her third) lengthy prison sentence for check forgery and meth. But Lyn has treated Tanya like garbage and has been getting into her own share of trouble. So, AITA? All the other grandparents will be attending.
OP responded to some comments.
Competitive-Care8789 says:
This is so messed up. Why did no one go to the grandparents and ask about the zero balances? A mistake is something you apologize for. Lynn didn’t even apologize. A mistake is something you do by accident. It’s hard for me to understand $1750, accumulated through seven different transactions, as a mistake. You are NTA, but your daughter’s household, and everyone connected with it, are seriously messed up.
OP responded:
All the grandkids (including Lyn) were together when they went to use the cards. Lyn even threw stuff on the counter to "buy". I don't know if she thought my daughter would cover it when it was discovered there was no balance remaining.
Daughter can't rub two nickels together. My best guess is that daughter might have suspected one of her kids to have hijacked the funds. She's had her fair share of...trouble. Her younger daughter had been busted for shoplifting at the ripe old age of 11. Integrity in that dynamic is scarce.
itsalmostover321 says:
Send her a gift card for her graduation, 0 balance.
OP responded:
OMG...this would be so poetic! If I share your advise with my husband, I know he's going to go for it.