'AITA for not letting my ex's husband be added to the school emergency contact list?'
"AITA for not letting my ex's husband be added to the school emergency contact list?"
I (29M) have two kids (8 and 6) with my ex (29F). We share physical and legal custody of them, and last year she got married to her husband, Josh (34M). From the beginning of their serious relationship (about three years ago), Josh has been a real jerk to me, and my ex has let it happen and even joined in.
The very first incident happened when my oldest had a school play. I was already there when they arrived, and Josh asked me why I had shown up when I knew it was my ex’s custody time and that my kid would already have two parents there—meaning he was counting himself as a parent, even though he was only dating my ex at the time.
I told him that my ex and I both show up regardless of whose custody week it is and that the judge and mediator encouraged us to do so. Josh said I was unnecessary. Another time, I went to the exchange to pick up my kids, and Josh was holding my youngest. He tried to tell me that my kid wanted to stay with him, even as my kid was reaching for me.
My ex made him hand our child over because I told her I would be documenting incidents going forward since it looked like we were going to have big problems. Josh accused me of being jealous when all I wanted was to take my kids with me as I was legally entitled to. I documented this and other incidents moving forward.
Then, when my youngest had a birthday party thrown by my ex’s parents and they invited me, Josh told me I must be desperate to show up where I wasn’t really wanted. I told him, “If nobody wanted me here, why was I invited?”
He started to say something about "besides the kids" but then seemed to stop himself, probably realizing he didn’t want to say they were nobody. He was glaring pretty hard when the kids were all about having me there and didn’t want him stepping in and taking over.
By the time they got married, I had documented over 30 incidents and had taken my ex back to court over the issues. I presented a case showing signs of potential alienation and interference with the legal custody order. The judge warned my ex that Josh’s behavior could cost her custody if she wasn’t careful. As a result, Josh was no longer present during exchanges.
There were still texts from Josh that I had to document and save because he continued saying things he shouldn’t. While not in direct violation, they were getting very close. I couldn’t block him because communication needed to remain open in case something happened and my ex couldn’t get in touch with me.
The good part was that I didn’t need to answer unless it was an emergency—so I didn’t reply to those texts.
Then my ex took me to court, requesting that Josh be granted guardianship of our kids. She argued that he was equally as involved as us but didn’t have the same legal rights. She claimed it would be simpler if he could take them to the doctor without us, sign them up for activities without needing our permission, and make decisions in case of an accident.
She said that as a stepparent, he was filling the role of a parent but lacked the legal authority we had. The judge refused to grant the guardianship request. She told my ex that, given our past and the fact that our kids have two active parents, it was unnecessary to give Josh that legal access.
She also made it clear that I was not obligated to give permissions like that, stating that if I were to marry, my ex would not be required to grant my wife those permissions either. My ex then asked if that included the emergency contact list at school, and the judge confirmed that it did.
That brings us to now. My ex wanted me to consent to the full decision-making and permissions anyway. Josh was never added to the emergency contact list (since the school requires the consent of both parents), so our kids have my ex, then me, then my mom and dad, and then her mom and dad as their emergency contacts. I also did not give permission for Josh to take the kids to the doctor alone.
My ex and Josh weren’t happy when I refused. I told my ex that I was not going to open the door for Josh to claim that I gave him those rights because I didn’t care about being a dad or because I wanted to shirk my responsibilities.
I can see him using those permissions to further alienate me or as a way to make me look bad. I could also see it becoming an issue if he used it to try and push me out. I would rather prevent that from happening in the first place.
My ex has argued that I’m not putting the kids first and that I’m letting adult issues come between them and Josh. She said they deserve to have the love of both dads in their lives and that allowing Josh to care for them as we do, since he’ll be around for the rest of their lives, is the right thing to do.
She said that otherwise, the kids will grow up seeing him as just her husband and not as their parent, and she mentioned that this is already happening. But she also said they have two men filling the role, yet only one gets the love and affection for it.
I don’t think granting him these permissions would be the right thing under these circumstances. Legally, I’m covered. But morally, am I wrong here? Am I letting my issues with Josh and my ex cloud my judgment when it comes to my kids? That’s why I’m asking: AITA?
OP responded to some comments in the post:
TheMac718 says:
If the relationship was less consistently hostile, this would be a more reasonable request to consider. Your fears are justified considering Josh’s past behaviors.
OP responded:
Yeah, it would be so different if things were civil or friendly or simply there was no history of bad behavior. But it's still an ongoing issue and knowing how Josh feels about me and my presence in the lives of my kids I feel like giving him permission to do the things they're asking is like giving him more ammo to use. It shouldn't be that way but that's how I'm seeing it.
Trailsya says:
A big, huge, enormous NTA. He already showed his true colors. What if your ex gets divorced and brings another guy into the picture? Should he get legal authority too? No. You are an active parent, and both your ex and Josh have been disrespectful toward you.
Josh, in particular, had clear intentions to alienate you from the start, and your ex went along with it. I wouldn’t trust him ever. Josh is a fool, by the way. He showed his true colors way too early.
OP responded:
That's a very valid point and an especially valid point when she was looking for him to have guardianship. Their divorce would not end that so what would we do, split equal custody between the three of us? Josh couldn't hide them. I don't know whether he's the insecure and jealous one or what, but I question if a woman with kids who have an involved dad was the right relationship for him.