'AITA for 'humiliating' my dad because I don't want him to walk me down the aisle?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my dad walk me down the aisle?"
SunshineandSerenity writes:
I'm getting married in a few months. Planning has been mostly smooth, except for one really emotional decision I made: I told my dad he won't be walking me down the aisle. And now it feels like half the family thinks I've declared war.
Some context: my parents were married for over 25 years. When I was 22, my dad cheated on my mom with a woman from his office, someone only a few years older than me. He didn’t confess. My mom found out after seeing some sketchy messages on the iPad they shared. Everything blew up. Divorce, a messy fallout, my mom was devastated. She had been a stay-at-home mom most of their marriage and had to start over in her 50s.
I was crushed. My dad had always been my hero growing up — the classic hardworking, dependable, dad-joke kind of guy. But after what he did, I saw a whole new side of him. He tried to justify it by saying the marriage had been emotionally over for years and that he just wanted to be happy. That hurt more than the cheating. He seemed so detached from the pain he caused.
Even after the divorce, he moved on quickly, started a new life with his girlfriend, and acted like everything was normal. Meanwhile, I watched my mom spiral for years, trying to rebuild. I was there for her. She leaned on me a lot. And now, years later, she’s stronger — happy, even — but that time left a permanent mark.
So when I started planning my wedding, I knew immediately I didn’t want my dad walking me down the aisle. It felt wrong. That role, in my mind, should be held by someone who protected our family, not someone who blew it up.
I love my dad, but I haven’t fully forgiven him. I’m polite when we see each other, and I included him in the wedding as a guest, but I asked my older brother to walk me instead. He was my rock through all of it. When I told my dad, he was shocked. He said he was hurt, that it was always his dream to give me away, that I was punishing him for something in the past. He said he’s still my father and nothing changes that.
Now my stepmom — the woman he cheated with — is furious. She told me I’m being cruel and disrespectful and trying to rewrite history. A few cousins have said I should let it go, that it was years ago and he’s still my dad.
Even my grandma said she was disappointed in me. But my mom? She cried when I told her about my decision. Not because she was happy he’s excluded, but because she felt seen. She told me she didn’t expect anything, but knowing I remembered what she went through meant everything.
So here I am, wondering if I’m holding a grudge or if I’m just setting a boundary. I don’t want to make my wedding about old wounds. But I also can’t pretend those wounds don’t exist. AITAH?
OP posted an update 4 days later.
The wedding is still a few months away and, yeah, things have escalated. After I told my dad that I didn’t want him to walk me down the aisle, he acted calm at first. He said he was hurt but respected my decision. That lasted about a day.
Then he started texting me passive-aggressively. Stuff like “hope you enjoy your big day with people who didn’t raise you” and “guess your mom’s still feeding you her version of things.” I didn’t respond.
He called me selfish and said I was punishing him for something that had nothing to do with our relationship. I told him it had everything to do with how I saw trust and family, and that this moment was about me feeling safe and supported, not about his image or closure.
The real kicker came when my aunt (his sister) messaged me, basically guilt-tripping me to let him have this one moment. She said I was going to humiliate him in front of everyone. That word — humiliate — really stuck with me.
Because that’s how this is being framed now. Not as me setting a boundary, but as me trying to publicly shame him. And it’s not true. I didn’t post anything about it, I didn’t tell anyone but immediate family. It was him who told the extended family and started spinning it into a pity party.
My mom has stayed out of it, which I appreciate. She just keeps telling me to do what feels right and not let the drama steal this moment. At this point, I’m honestly considering asking him not to come at all. Not out of spite, just because I don’t know if I can handle the emotional weight of having him there, especially if he’s going to sulk or make it about himself.
I hate that this is overshadowing everything. I was so excited about the wedding, and now I feel like I’m managing emotional landmines every day. I still don’t feel bad for not letting him walk me down the aisle. I just wish it didn’t have to turn into this whole mess.
Anyway, that’s where things stand for now. I’ll post a final update after the wedding — assuming I survive the next few weeks of family politics. Thanks again to everyone who helped me think this through.
OP responded to some comments.
magicalmoonkitty says:
NTA. Your father is being ridiculous. It’s your wedding and your dog can give you away if you want. Don’t let him, your stepmom, or your aunt bully you. Uninvite them all if you wish. Quick question—if the wedding is months away, why only two weeks of family politics?
OP responded:
There is a family gathering to happen in two weeks. I want to face them all.
TeaInternational9753 says:
Your father disrespected your mother by cheating on her after long years of marriage. Ask him if it was worth it. Your totally NTA. I am again saying this. Don't feel guilty. Hope you a happy happy marriage.
OP responded:
Thank you. I just want to clear my name. I feel like they're gaslighting me.