'AITA for treating my sister's children the same way that she and her husband do?'
"AITA for not loving my sister's children the way she and her husband do?"
happyhappy_joyjoy11 writes:
For the past two years, I (43F) have traveled to spend a week with my sister (40F) and her family. She and her husband have three young boys—a 3.5-year-old and twin 2.5-year-olds. It’s about a six-hour flight, so it’s not a trip I can make regularly.
When I visited last February, it was a great trip—a good mix of sister time, hanging out with the kids and her husband, a night out, a house party—just all-around enjoyable. Her husband is great and is a stay-at-home dad. My sister works from home and is a successful businesswoman. I was genuinely excited to visit again last month.
I’m not a kid person and never have been. My partner and I are intentionally childless, and we love our quiet, low-key life. That said, I’m good with kids. I’ll play with their toys, crawl around on the floor with them, and do whatever goofy thing they’re into—but only for about two hours at a time. Then I have to tap out and recharge.
I’m also not great with the constant noise kids make. I understand that’s just what they do, but I have a low tolerance for it, especially during full-blown meltdowns. For the first three or four days I was at my sister’s, the three kids were screaming and crying nearly every 25 minutes. So when the tantrums started, I’d go outside or at least leave the room.
At one point, while the kids and her husband were out of the house, my sister took the opportunity to tell me she was disappointed that I “don’t love the boys the way [husband’s name] and I do.”
I told her that I do love the boys and asked if there was something I did or didn’t do with them that upset her. She said no, that I was great with them. I asked if she thought I wasn’t paying enough attention to them. She said I was but then brought up my low tolerance for their fits. I apologized and reminded her that I’m really not used to it, and that it’s stressful for me, so I just remove myself from the situation.
Things kind of devolved from there, but we recovered, and the rest of the trip was fine enough. Am I the a%&@ole for thinking that my sister’s request is way off base? I love my nephews, but I don’t think anyone can love children the way their parents do.
OP responded to some comments.
Dittoheadforever says:
You're NTA. Your sister's expectation that you have the same tolerance for her screeching children as she does is unreasonable. Not even sure why she brought it up to you. Seems kind of weird, unless she and her husband had it in their heads to make you the children's guardian should something happen to them, and seeing your reaction to their tantrums made her realize that might not be a good idea.
OP responded:
They explicitly told me after the kids were born that I would not be the guardian in the event of a horrific tragedy because they know I'm not a kid person. Otherwise what you're saying would make a lot of sense.
Wild_Ticket1413 says:
NTA. Your sister's request is way off base. It's completely unreasonable for her to expect any family member to love her kids like she and her husband do. Especially a family member who only sees said kids once or twice a year. Not everyone has the same tolerance for kids.
I think parents tend to become immune to their noise and tantrums. Yes, these are normal, but they can be quite grating for people who aren't the child's parents. You handle the situation well. I don't think anyone would blame you for ducking out of a room with a crying kid. Your sister needs to understand and respect this. You're being a great aunt otherwise.
OP responded:
Thank you for saying this. I'm not sure if she meant to make me feel like leaving the room was an unreasonable reaction, but that's how it came across.
OP added a small update.
Thank you for all the feedback! It gave me a lot to think about and reflect on. I’ve come to believe that my sister’s criticism—that I don’t love her boys like she does—isn’t an actual, literal expectation.
I think it might be a weird, kind of manipulative way of saying, “I need you to think I’m a good parent.” It’s entirely too much to get into here, and of course, details and context are missing. But I think I need to call her so we can talk about this and what’s going on.