Flat-Pollution-9186 writes:
I (42F) am married to my husband (40M), and we have two kids (12 and 9). My husband is gay, and I’ve known this since the beginning of our relationship. We’ve been married for 14 years, and while I love him deeply, we’ve always had an understanding that we’d never be the romantic couple he truly needs. He has had a long-term partner (38M) for seven years now, whom I consider family. Our kids adore him.
The problem started when my husband’s partner was fired from his job and lost his H-1B visa, which means he has to leave the U.S. This has been devastating for my husband and our kids, who love his partner like a second dad.
The original plan was for us to divorce so they could marry, but the immigration process for his nationality is notoriously slow. My husband is terrified of waiting years while his partner is stuck in another country. Instead, he wants all of us to move to his partner’s country together.
Logistically, this could work. My husband and I both went to undergrad in that country, so we speak the language and could get decent jobs. However, the pay in my field would be significantly lower. The country is also just as conservative as our home country, and gay marriage isn’t legal there.
I have already left one country behind, and I do not want to uproot my life again, nor do I wish to settle in a third country permanently. I have built a life here, and while I have been supportive of my husband and his relationship for years, this is simply too much to ask.
My husband, however, is heartbroken. He argues that this is about family—that I am refusing to make a necessary sacrifice for the sake of keeping our family together. He is not angry, but I can see how deeply this pains him, and our children are beginning to sense the tension.
I cannot help but feel like the villain in this situation, but I also believe I have the right to say no. AITA for refusing to uproot my life so my husband can be with his partner?
AlienElditchHorror says:
NTA- I fail to see how uprooting the whole family and moving to a country where gay marriage is not even legal could be the best move for the whole family. How would that be safe for him, his lover, and especially the children?
I'm curious, did or do you also have a lover? Why is it fair to ask you to leave your emotional ties so he can have his love? No. This is a giant ask and it's not fair for him to guilt you for having hesitations.
OP responded:
I have never found myself interested in romance of any sorts, even our marriage was arranged. So this situation has worked perfectly for me. None of our family members live in the US. Most live in our home country, but some live in his partner’s country.
AlienElditchHorror says:
Just curious, if you want to, have you looked at the asexual, or even aromantic communities? Because it definitely sounds like you would fit under that label, IF YOU want to, not saying you HAVE to label yourself if YOU don't want. As for the issue with your husband, why don't you divorce him and basically cut him loose to go where he wants?
OP responded:
I looked up the term and that does sound an awful lot like me. I’ll research more about it, thank you! As for divorce, it’s just not in our culture. I’m not too worried about what my family would say, but I don’t want my children to face ill treatment from his.