'AITA for not paying 1/3 of my salary for my kids’ college?'
"AITA for not paying 1/3 of my salary for my kids’ college?"
Both my kids are in college. Through my teaching job, my kids can attend my private college (tuition is $55k plus) for free, or one of our exchange colleges for close to free. My kids do not like any of the colleges on the list, including mine.
My ex-wife is proposing that it is fair to pay the amount of our state college’s tuition plus room and board (though they could live at home if they attended there). The cost is $30k per kid, which means $30k each for my ex and me.
$30k is over a third of my annual salary. My ex has already told the kids that this is a done deal. She said I will pay “whatever you decide to pay” and she will “somehow take care of the rest.” So clearly the expectation is that, if I am not a total jerk, I will split it half and half.
She makes less than I do. I do not want to pay any of it. I stuck with this job in part for the benefits, specifically the tuition benefit. I also do not want to say, “Okay, I will pay $5k per kid per year because they could be going for free and they chose not to,” because then I am the a^#$ole. But, am I the a^#%ole? Help. I feel like a stingy jerk, but I would really like to have some boundaries.
People responded to OP's post.
EffectiveOne236 says:
NTA. College is a privilege, not a right. Your kids have the opportunity to go for free or next to free but they don't want to do it, then they can pay their own way. Why is your ex wife making unilateral decisions about your finances? She wants to let her mouth write checks she can't cash, that's a her problem. You provided your children with a great opportunity, you already did your part.
Creative_Dark5165 says:
If they want to go to college that is not free then they pay for it. Do NOT go in to debt for an undergrad degree. Your kids are being really entitled.
sheramom4 says:
What are the reasons the kids are against attending any of the options? Are they religious schools? Do they not offer the programs the kids are interested in?
OP responded:
Both of them want to go into the sciences, and they say none of the list schools are “good enough.” I don’t think the first four year degree matters in terms of what institution you attend (as long as the degree has the standard foundational curriculum for their next degree step), but they think it matters. They’re also very picky about location, etc.
Later OP added this in the comments:
I just found out that neither of us are on the deed for the house; technically her mom has paid for some of it (the details of that are yet another tangle of financial strangeness), so my wife — despite living in it for the foreseeable future and inheriting it when her mom passes, or inheriting whatever its sale buys — has decided to not count it among her assets in the divorce, which we’re in the midst of.
If you said I should know these things and it’s egregious that I don’t, you’d be right. I abdicated a huge amount of authority and control to my wife, in part because I was being irresponsible. That’s on me.
My wife runs the family business. She claims she has income from that, but I started and ran that business in the first place (she is also getting the business which she’s claimed at a bare minimum), and I’m not seeing the numbers add up. I’ve paid for all of us in the main. My kids don’t support themselves at all.
So that salary has in effect had to cover the bulk of expenses for two households, essentially a family of four living in two separate locations.
Now that our finances are separate, I’ve watched my bank account grow; my wife claimed I’m the one who spent all our money (and the fact that we didn’t actively budget is a real problem and I know that), but right now I’m not seeing that, when I’m careful about what I do and don’t pay for (and I’m paying for things like the phone bill for all of us and her mom and the business, which is $400 a month).
Even with those things, my finances now are magnitudes better. I hope I explained that clearly enough.