'AITA for no longer subsidizing my ex's life after she started dating a new guy?'
"AITA for no longer paying my ex's bills?"
RevolutionaryHalf170 writers:
My ex and I split up about three years ago. No bad feelings; we just drifted apart until we realized that we were now co-parents, not husband and wife anymore. We have two kids, 13 and 10. My ex used to work as an infrastructure engineer, and I was working as an owner-driver with my own truck.
Around the time the kids were born, we decided she would be a stay-at-home mum. The trucking business was going well, and I had bought a second truck and a van, so I stayed home doing all the planning and admin while the trucks and van were out on the road.
When the youngest started school, my ex went back to work part-time. But her time out of the workforce had hit her really hard. She needed to relearn a lot and basically could not get back in at her previous level. She had to pretty much start over.
Over the years, the haulage firm had expanded, and frankly, it was becoming a bit of a pain. We were too big for the site we were on and needed to move to a new yard. So I sold it off for a reasonable sum and started freelancing as a developer. I did Computer Science at university.
We both had relatives pass away, leaving us property and money. So we were mortgage-free on the family home. When we split, I moved into a house I had inherited. We basically split the assets in half and shared the cost of the kids’ activities. When we sat down and looked at the finances, she realized she would need to go back to work full-time.
She would miss time with the kids, since they were with me the three days she worked and every other weekend. I felt a bit bad about that, because if she had not been out of work for so long, she would be in a better place career-wise.
So I offered to cover half of her bills until the kids went off to university. She did not want me to at first, but I told her that she had helped me out and was now suffering as a result, so it was only fair that I returned the favor. It was helping my kids out, and I did not want her to run down the savings that were essentially the kids' inheritance.
This arrangement worked out about as well as it could. We co-parent happily, and everything is good. Until she met a new guy. He is someone we knew from way back, but we had lost touch. They started dating, she is really happy, and now she is talking about him moving in. I am fine with that. The kids get on with him, and I trust her judgment. I know she would not put anything ahead of the kids.
So I said to her, if laddo is moving in, you will not need the money toward the bills anymore, will you? She said no, she would not, but she was thinking of putting it into the kids' accounts. Great idea, I said. I would put some on their cards for pocket money and the rest in savings. That was what we agreed.
But when the new chap found out, he went up the wall and accused me of being controlling and financially abusive. A few of our friends have also said he has a point and that it looks like jealousy. So, AITA here?
Many people responded to OP's post.
HuntAdministrative42 says:
NTA, looks like he was interested in the free ride and now that the gravy train has stopped he's all upset. Your EX had no issues with the money stopping because she isn't interested in taking advantage of you and two adults living together should be able to cover their own expenses, but new boyfriend doesn't want that.
AcanthocephalaOne285 says:
NTA. Tell anyone moaning that you pay child support for your children, not grown men looking for a free ride. He'll already be saving in rent as the house is paid for, is he really looking for his bills and groceries to be paid for by you too. If someone moves into another's home, they contribute to living there. That said, contribute too, not pay half as your kids are eating the food and running up the utility bills.
Routine-Abroad-4473 says:
It's pretty standard to stop paying alimony when the ex remarried or cohabits with someone new. Child support is still expected. Use the courts if you think it'll be cleaner or more helpful. Consult an attorney first.
PhotoForward2499 says:
NTA - His opinion is irrelevant. The only opinion that matters is the ex wife’s and she seems fine with it. I admit as I was reading it, I started to think maybe a bit jealous, but even if you are, if you continue to pay those utilities, then you are effectively paying them for him. He is no one to you. You’re good.
What do you think?