'AITA for deciding I won't attend any more events with my in-laws and not telling them?'
"AITA for deciding I won’t attend any more events on my in-laws’ side and for not telling them why?"
Material_Throat_4131 writes:
My husband, the eldest of three, just turned 40. He invited his whole family: his mom, his younger brother (who came with his pregnant girlfriend), and his sister. Everyone showed up except the sister.
When I asked my mother-in-law why, she said, “She had plans with a friend.” I was shocked and replied, “Plans more important than her brother’s 40th birthday?” She looked awkward and mumbled something about it being planned a long time ago.
Later, I spoke privately with my brother-in-law’s girlfriend. She hesitated, then confided something I wasn’t supposed to know. The sister deliberately made plans that day to avoid the party because she was offended that I didn’t wish her four-year-old daughter a happy birthday in the family WhatsApp group.
To be honest, I forgot. I rarely write in the group and often forget to respond to messages. The girlfriend asked me not to tell anyone except my husband, because if the family found out I knew, they would immediately know she was the one who told me.
Some context: My mother-in-law has always favored her daughter. She visits her often and babysits regularly. They live only 15 minutes apart. Meanwhile, we have had to insist, pay for her Uber, or drive an hour with our newborn just so she would see her grandson.
The sister is constantly negative and somewhat resentful of my husband’s success. He didn’t go to college but does very well financially. She studied for years and still struggles. When my brother-in-law and his girlfriend aren’t around, the family talks badly about her in front of me. I’ve always found it toxic.
But during our private chat, the girlfriend told me they say the same things about me when I’m not there. They claim I don’t take care of my kids because, every time my husband calls them on video, he happens to be the one feeding them. Newsflash: when I feed the kids, I call my own family, not his.
My mother-in-law doesn’t even greet me on the phone and has never made me feel welcome. In-laws are clearly treated as second-class. I’m also furious about how she treats her son. During his own birthday party, she mocked him, laughing and saying he’s lazy and never wants to go anywhere. I was the only one who stood up for him, because I know it deeply hurt him that his sister wasn’t there, and the criticism hurt him too.
To top it all off, my brother-in-law’s girlfriend just gave birth. They live four hours away, and my mother-in-law still hasn’t gone to see the baby. I encouraged my husband to go visit to support his little brother. I couldn’t go myself since we have two very young kids, but I wanted him to be there for them.
We attended the sister’s 35th birthday not long ago. But now she snubs my husband’s 40th out of petty revenge over a missed WhatsApp message, and her mother defends her. I’m done. From now on, whenever there’s a family event, I’ll just say I already have something planned. Just like she did. Am I the a&#%ole for deciding not to attend any more events on their side? And for never explaining why?
OP added some extra context:
I feel like I can’t explain to my mother-in-law why I’m not attending anymore because doing so would put my brother-in-law’s girlfriend in an even worse position. She trusted me with what she shared, and I won’t betray that. My husband says, “They’re just like that. We won’t change them.” I know he’s right, but that doesn’t mean I have to keep showing up, smiling, and pretending it’s normal.
Here are some of the comments from the post.
Sensitive-Cod2785 says:
The fact that they mocked your husband at his own birthday party and still expected you both to show up smiling for future events is wild. You’re doing what’s necessary for your family, and that’s what matters.
oylaura says:
NTA. Your husband is absolutely right - you can not change his mother. But you can change your response. If you're pressed for an answer, you could tell you're MIL that her favoritism is so obvious that you want to protect your children. Tell her that she may not know it, but the children notice, and it hurts them, and you are protecting them.
MotherGoose1957 says:
"AITA for deciding I won’t go to any more events on their side? And for never explaining why?" You can simply say you're done - because they mocked your husband at his birthday party, his sister didn't consider his 40th birthday important enough to reschedule her plans and MIL appears disinterested in seeing her grandson.
No need to mention anything that involves BIL's girlfriend's revelations. I am sure if you think about it, you can come up with other examples of MIL's shabby treatment of you and your husband.
mthockeydad says:
Are you cutting off BIL and his GF? Seems like they’re ok people and also have a little one. Might be worth maintaining that relationship. Don’t make your husband feel like you’re cutting him off from his entire family even if for his own benefit. That said, you and he need to be on the same page or at least have a lengthy conversation about this.