'AITA for not paying my ex-wife to move in with the new guy she's dating?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for no longer paying my ex's bills?"

RevolutionaryHalf170 writers:

My ex and I split up about three years ago. No bad feelings; we just drifted apart until we realized that we were now co-parents, not husband and wife anymore. We have two kids, 13 and 10. My ex used to work as an infrastructure engineer, and I was working as an owner-driver with my own truck.

Around the time the kids were born, we decided she would be a stay-at-home mum. The trucking business was going well, and I had bought a second truck and a van, so I stayed home doing all the planning and admin while the trucks and van were out on the road.

When the youngest started school, my ex went back to work part-time. But her time out of the workforce had hit her really hard. She needed to relearn a lot and basically could not get back in at her previous level. She had to pretty much start over.

Over the years, the haulage firm had expanded, and frankly, it was becoming a bit of a pain. We were too big for the site we were on and needed to move to a new yard. So I sold it off for a reasonable sum and started freelancing as a developer. I did Computer Science at university.

We both had relatives pass away, leaving us property and money. So we were mortgage-free on the family home. When we split, I moved into a house I had inherited. We basically split the assets in half and shared the cost of the kids’ activities. When we sat down and looked at the finances, she realized she would need to go back to work full-time.

She would miss time with the kids, since they were with me the three days she worked and every other weekend. I felt a bit bad about that, because if she had not been out of work for so long, she would be in a better place career-wise.

So I offered to cover half of her bills until the kids went off to university. She did not want me to at first, but I told her that she had helped me out and was now suffering as a result, so it was only fair that I returned the favor. It was helping my kids out, and I did not want her to run down the savings that were essentially the kids' inheritance.

This arrangement worked out about as well as it could. We co-parent happily, and everything is good. Until she met a new guy. He is someone we knew from way back, but we had lost touch. They started dating, she is really happy, and now she is talking about him moving in. I am fine with that. The kids get on with him, and I trust her judgment. I know she would not put anything ahead of the kids.

So I said to her, if laddo is moving in, you will not need the money toward the bills anymore, will you? She said no, she would not, but she was thinking of putting it into the kids' accounts. Great idea, I said. I would put some on their cards for pocket money and the rest in savings. That was what we agreed.

But when the new chap found out, he went up the wall and accused me of being controlling. A few of our friends have also said he has a point and that it looks like jealousy. So, AITA here?

OP posted an update 10 days later.

So Laddo turned out to have been kicked out of his place (not through any fault of his own, the landlord was selling), and he hadn't told my ex. Also, he works with my best mate, who told me that he's on incredibly thin ice and was on his last chance for attendance.

Me, the ex, and Laddo got together at the weekend and had a long chat. The main points were: If he is going to be her partner and live there, then he has to step up and contribute both financially and with the children.

As regards the bills, both my ex and I had an expectation that another adult in the house would be contributing, meaning that bill money from me would be superfluous. I agreed that stopping the money because someone moves in, and potentially restarting it if they move out, does look like it's controlling, although it was agreed that I didn't have that intent.

I said that I would continue giving my ex the money, and that if it was surplus to requirements, she would put it in the kids' accounts. I do trust her to do this. At that point, I left and went home thinking all was good.

I'm on holiday with the kids this week, and I got a warning that the house alarm was going off. I rang my neighbor, and he went round and said that one of the windows had been smashed and that my other car had had all its windows smashed. I logged into my cameras on the iPad, and sure enough, it was Laddo smashing the car and throwing bricks at the window.

It turns out that after I left, he and my ex had a major talk where she laid out some home truths and expectations. When she didn't like the reaction she got, she ended it. So a couple of days later, he got pissed and came round to my place and smashed it up.

I obviously reported it to the police, and with me being away, they spoke to me over the phone and asked me to send all the footage if I could and a statement. They said they would speak to him that day. It turns out he got stopped on the way back from mine, was over the limit, and was sleeping it off in custody before he could be charged.

OP added an edit.

I've seen a couple of comments about how I need to speak to the ex and tell her to be more careful. I 100 percent trust her judgement in who comes into the kids' lives. I was just as surprised by him as she was, and like most people, she's capable of learning from experience.

The glaziers have been back out. I owe the lady next door big time for all the help she's given. Apparently, the total bill just for the house is going to be about £7,000. That's not counting the car, which is an old Rover I was restoring, so I have no idea how much that will cost.

Here are the top comments.

FoxySlyOldStoatyFox says:

Here’s wishing Laddo all the health, happiness and success that he deserves.

Marine_olive76 says:

Well, looks like you unintentionally took care of the mother of your children from dangers. Good thing that the kids weren't there to see it. Have a good life Laddo. A good long, long life.

Dranask says:

Your ex is probably grateful that it imploded so soon and she discovered what her ex bf really is like.

r0xxon says:

Some people just can’t help themselves from self sabotaging.

What do you think?