"AITA for not telling my coworker her 'secret' birthday surprise wasn’t a surprise?"
"AITA for not telling my coworker her "secret" birthday surprise wasn’t a surprise?"
Select-Space5358 writes:
I (29M) work at a mid-sized marketing firm. We’re generally close-knit, and birthdays are usually celebrated in small ways: cake in the break room, a group card, and sometimes a little desk decor. Nothing extravagant.
There’s a coworker, “Kelly” (26F), who recently transferred to our team. She’s very sweet but can be a little extra about birthdays. When hers was coming up, she kept dropping very obvious hints about how much she loves surprises, how her last office did a huge thing for her, and how excited she was to “see what we do here.”
It was clear she was expecting something big. The thing is, our office culture is low-key. We aren’t cold, but we don’t throw surprise parties or anything. We do cake and maybe a gift card. That’s it.
About a week before her birthday, Kelly started acting like she didn’t know anything but was clearly fishing. She even said, “I wonder if anyone’s planning anything… I’d be so surprised,” then winked. A few coworkers told me they felt uncomfortable, like they were being pressured into doing more than what’s normal.
So I finally said, very casually and not unkindly, “Hey, just so you know, I think the team is doing cake and a card like we usually do. We didn’t want you to be disappointed expecting anything bigger.” She got quiet and said, “Oh. Okay.” I figured that was that.
On her birthday, we did the usual thing. She was polite but clearly disappointed. The next day, she didn’t show up for work. HR later told our manager she called in sick, but a coworker saw her posting stories at a spa. Now she’s been cold to most of us, especially me. A mutual friend told me she felt embarrassed and humiliated and that I ruined the surprise for no reason.
I genuinely thought I was being kind by managing expectations. I didn’t want her to be let down thinking there would be some big surprise. Some coworkers said I was right to be honest, while others think I should have just kept quiet and let her figure it out. So now I’m wondering, was I in the wrong?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Dragon_Queen_666 says:
NTA. She was clearly expecting something huge and special for her birthday, you merely warned her to temper her expectations.
After-Ganache-5896 says:
NTA. You didn't do anything wrong. Who cares if she is cold towards you. Just be you. Don't feel guilty.
Embarrassed_Sky3188 says:
NTA. You did exactly what I would do for a young coworker and her reaction is on her. She's got a lot of growing up to do.
AnneShurely says:
Ms. Kapoor needs to grow up. If she's unhappy with the office culture there then she can work somewhere else. You're her coworkers not her friends. NTA.