'AITA for not telling my friend I was invited to a party by people she doesn't like?'
"AITA for not telling my friend I was invited to a party by people she no longer speaks to?"
I’ve been friends with “Kate” for many years. We’re both autistic, so we tend to be very direct with each other and understand things like needing space, being blunt, and occasionally pulling back socially.
About five years ago, Kate had a big falling out with our shared friend group, her roommate, and her boyfriend at the time. She completely cut contact with them, and they no longer speak to her. I still have occasional contact with them.
I might get a text or an invitation to a holiday party or life event one to three times a year. Once in a while I’ll hang out with them, but often I don’t, because even though I crave connection, I also get socially overwhelmed due to my autism.
Recently, I was invited to that friend group’s Christmas party, but I ended up not going because I wasn’t feeling well. Earlier that same day, Kate ran into her ex at a coffee shop. He mentioned the party, and later Kate asked me about it. I told her I had been invited and might attend, but I wasn’t sure.
Kate got upset that I hadn’t told her about the invitation ahead of time. I explained that in the past she’s had angry reactions when I mention contact with them, and I didn’t want to stress her out or create conflict. She said I should have told her so she could decide whether she still wanted to be friends with me.
She believes that me talking to or spending time with people who hurt her shows that I don’t care about her and that I value partying, drinking, and casual friendships more than her. She states she is not telling me who I can or can’t hang out with, but it kind of feels like she is.
Am I in the wrong here? I can struggle with understanding healthy communication or friendships because of my autism, so I’m looking for honest and blunt feedback here, even if it means I am in the wrong.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
YearlyDepression says:
NTA. Kate is possessive and controlling. She is not a good friend. Do not let her isolate you!
Evening-Cry-8233 says:
NTA but as a rule of thumb, it’s not good to mention parties you’re invited to just in case the other person wasn’t invited.
Clairita462 says:
NTA at all, and your friend is definitely overstepping. You have your own life, separate from hers, and can have your own friends, parties, etc. She sounds like she is overstepping due to your closeness, and she sounds possessive.
Also saying that she might decide not to be friends with you after this and guilt tripping you about 'not caring about her' is quite the escalation from being invited to a party. I would have a hard time feeling safe and secure in that friendship, and would be walking on eggshells after this (please gain some autonomy)
elevenohnoes says:
NTA she's being way too demanding. What's next, you have to start telling her about any plans you make with people in case she has an opinion about them? You're your own person, and allowed to form your own relationships. You don't have to disown someone just because another friend did.