'AITA for telling my boyfriend I don't want to go on vacation with his family?'
"AITA for refusing to go on a trip with my boyfriend’s family?"
Fearless-Speaker-744 writes:
I (26F) have been with my boyfriend (35M) for a while now. For some context, our relationship started off rocky. When we first got together, he wasn’t over his ex-fiancé. He would show me pictures of her and ask if I thought she was beautiful. He also lied about how much debt he was in and didn’t tell me upfront that he was living at home with his parents.
Meanwhile, I’ve been on my own and financially independent since I was 17, after getting kicked out. I’ve worked hard to build my peace and stability, and honestly, this relationship has chipped away at both.
Throughout our time together, he’s gotten blackout drunk, flirted with other women right in front of me, and openly checked out other women while we’re out. When I bring it up and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable or hurts my feelings, he calls me insecure instead of actually hearing me. It has chipped away at my self-esteem and has taken a serious toll on my mental health.
Despite everything, I’ve usually just given in to avoid more conflict. It’s exhausting always having to fight or explain why I don’t want to do something. Saying “no” feels like a battle, and it’s just easier to let him have his way most of the time, even when it drains me.
Now, he’s invited me on a family vacation with his mom and sisters-in-law. One of the sisters-in-law in particular has a long history of starting drama and stirring the pot. I’ve been around her before and left the situation feeling completely drained.
I told him I’m not comfortable going, especially with how I’ve been feeling mentally. I don’t want to use my PTO days for a trip that will stress me out when I need that time to take care of myself and my health.
When I told him this, he said I was being one-sided, focused only on what I need and not on how my choices make him feel. He said it hurts that I don’t want to be around his family and accused me of always wanting to fight or push people away.
I told him this isn’t about pushing anyone away. It’s about protecting my peace. I’ve been open about my mental health struggles, and I need space to get back to myself. I even said we might need to talk about compatibility because I’m so tired of having to explain myself and defend my boundaries in this relationship. Now he’s distant and upset, and I’m left wondering if I’m in the wrong for finally putting myself first.
Here are some of the comments from the post.
EmploymentLanky9544 says:
You don't need to talk about it anymore. You're way past the point of trying for the thousandth time to communicate to someone who isn't interested in your well-being. You're done, and it shows. This trip is just part of the greater whole. Your plate is overflowing, and one more high maintenance engagement with his family is just not going to happen, given your state of exhaustion.
Kami_Sang says:
YTA - to yourself. You're drawing the line at a vacation but you need to draw the line with the relationship. Given what you describe I don't see you as this man's future. You're the girl he met when he was still in pain and you endured that bs and stuck around. You may have made it easier for him or helped take the edge off.
However, can you genuinely say his actions show he's in love with you? His actions show me you were the rebound that he allowed himself to become stuck with. He was the broken man for some reason you decided to stay with and be treated poorly by.
Black-Willow says:
NTA. I'm going to assume that your mental health problems started not long after you started dating him. Honestly, him being distant and upset is the perfect time to just break up with him and be done with it.
No guy is worth disrupting your peace and stressing you out this much. Do you still have your own place? Good, change the locks, break up with him and move on. Truly, you deserve better and he's not worth destroying all your peace for.
sluggardish says:
NTA. This concerns me and is a major red flag for your relationship I’ve worked hard to build my peace and stability, and honestly, this relationship has chipped away at both. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having your emotional and mental health being chipped away at till there is nothing left?