'AITA for refusing to uproot my life and move to take care of my grandmother?'
"AITA for refusing to uproot my life and move home to care for my grandmother?"
Easy_Individual9019 writes:
My grandparents played a huge role in raising my brother and I, as well as my aunt’s two kids. Between her kids, me, and my brother, my grandparents' house was a revolving door of children being dropped off while our parents worked full-time.
As the oldest, I was expected to take on the most responsibility and became my grandmother’s "helper." My grandparents were verbally and emotionally abusive with no boundaries. I spent significant time in their home, constantly being ordered around and reminded how much I owed them.
They lived in the house directly behind my dad’s, so there was no escaping it. If they needed something, they called. If they wanted something done, I was expected to do it. At 22, I was exhausted and moved away.
I’ve lived away from home for 8 years now and recently, I have been hearing about my grandparents' declining health. I was told my grandmother has dementia and my grandfather has limited time, but when I speak with them, they seem lucid. I’ve attempted to clarify their condition with my dad and brother, but I’ve been met with vague, passive aggressive answers.
I was recently laid off and called my aunt, who has a strong professional network, to see if she knew of any job openings. Her reply was harsh- “I’ve got too much f*&#ing stuff going on here to worry about you." I didn’t ask her to worry about me- I asked if she knew anyone hiring.
She then revealed the likely true reason she answered my call… My grandfather is in assisted living, and she, my brother, and cousins are juggling work and “caregiving” shifts for my grandmother, who apparently can't be left alone in the home anymore. This was news to me.
She praised my brother and her daughter, comparing me negatively to them as always, then demanded I move home and become my grandmother’s full time caregiver because I’m currently unemployed. She said I had to “give some to get some.” When I politely declined, she blamed my refusal on my mother "not raising me right," despite my grandparents essentially raising us all.
My mother left when I was six, and my grandparents undermined both she and my dad completely. They controlled everything about my upbringing, so I was essentially raised by the same people who raised my aunt.
Now, I feel like my aunt is trying the same manipulation with me. When I pointed out that I have no medical training and suggested they hire a nurse, she dismissed it, claiming that due to "short staffing," hiring a nurse wasn't an option.
I know exactly what will happen if I agree- I’ll be trapped indefinitely, sacrificing my life while everyone else continues normally. It’s a black hole I refuse to enter. So, AITA for refusing to drop everything, move home, and become my grandmother’s unpaid caregiver?
Here are the top rated comments.
meancrochethook says:
NTA if your grandmother can’t be left alone perhaps she should go into assisted living as well. Old age care is not easy and definitely should not be forced on anyone. You need to find your own way through life, don’t give in to the guilt tripping.
ProfessorYaffle1 says:
No, NTA. And for what it's worth, even if your grandparents had been fantastic and very close to you, you still would not owe them for caring for you as a child. You were a child—you had no choice in the matter. They, and your parents, did.
It sounds as though your grandmother might do better in assisted living as well, if that’s a possibility. It's not reasonable to expect you to become an unpaid caregiver, and if they are prepared to pay, they would be better off hiring professionals. Good luck with your job search!
tinkerbell_2369 says:
If your aunt is so concerned about your grandmother maybe suggest that she go live with her and tell her to leave you alone.
Consistent-Pickle-88 says:
NTA, geez your family sounds awful. You are right to stay where you are.
What do you think?