'I'm relatively certain that my wife is trying to sabotage my weight loss efforts.'
"I'm (39M) relatively certain that my wife (38F) is trying to sabotage my weight loss efforts."
How do I deal with this situation? I(39M) have been married to my wife (38F) for over 10 years. We also have a 6 year old daughter. Throughout most of our adult lives, We've been very overweight. At my heaviest , I weighed over 450 lbs. I don't want to disclose my wife's weight - it wasnt as high as mine, but it was definitely very heavy. It did make day to day life a little more challenging but we persisted with it.
A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with T2 diabetes (and I suspected that this was probably caused or not helped by my weight). My wife has also told me in the past that my weight has affected her feelings for me (which annoyed me, considering she was also not a healthy weight). I made a decision to make a serious weight loss effort for multiple reasons:
My health.
More time with my daughter.
Improved relationship with my wife.
Over the last two years, I've lost over 220 lbs. I've tracked calories, started running, and joined a gym. I've worked really hard to drop the weight. I've also tried to minimise the impact at home - by this, I mean I do all my own meal prep, I try to limit my gym time to times where either kiddo is asleep, or while my wife is at work and daughter is at school (I work from home).
If anyone is curious, I also do the majority of household chores and care as well. My wife has also tried to lose weight. She doesn't want to join a gym, but she's been open to healthier eating, which I've tried to help her with while I can.
In the same period of time, she's lost around 30 lbs. I can definitely see a difference in her, but people notice my loss more. I try to not fixate on it when people. I didn't think that it had been an issue for her, but some recent events have got me wondering if it's bothering her more than I realised.
I still want to lose around another 30lbs. I'm still training and still calorie tracking. My wife though has recently decided that "I'm done". When I get my app out to calculate calories for a meal, she'll comment something like "why are you doing that, you're not tracking anymore are you?" I've never said to her that I was finished yet, she just arbitrarily seems to have decided this for herself.
She'll also make comments when I do my exercise (about 3-4 times a week for around an hour a time) about why I'm still going so much, which bothers me a bit. I've worked hard to set a routine, and it bugs me a bit when I can't keep it up. I have been plateauing since Christmas, and I can't work out why. The last few weeks our work schedules have been a bit askew, so my wife has done more cooking than me.
It wasn't until we cooked together the other night that I noticed a few things. We were making a curry which we usually make healthier, but this time it was anything but. She'd added full fat coconut milk, glugs of oil, tablespoons of peanut butter, cream and generous handfuls of sugar.
This maybe doesn't seem like a lot, but this can really spike up the calories on these kinds of meals. Then when plating up, she gave me a MASSIVE portion. I didn't finish it, which prompted her to comment again, saying "why haven't you finished your dinner?'
I later had a quick rifle through the bin, and there were loads of wrappers and tins to suggest that the meals we'd been having were anything but healthy. I also don't know when she's bought this stuff, as we do the shopping together and it wasn't in our trolley. So the only conclusion I've came to is that she's trying to stop me losing more weight.
I don't understand why she has such an issue with it. I'm still attentive to her needs, I try to make her feel beautiful and give her lots of attention, but I honestly don't know how I can move past this. I've tried to support her, but this feels like a bit of a betrayal, and I can completely predict her reaction of anger and denial if I were to confront her.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
madelynashton wrote:
It feels like you’re really underreacting to the “adding extra sugar when she knows I’m diabetic” thing here. Whether she’s happy with your weight loss seems like a secondary issue compared to the sugar thing. That’s like a crazy thing to do to someone.
Sea_Sharp wrote:
Have you told her straight up that you're probably never going to "be done?" It's a very common misconception that once you reach a healthy weight that you've "made it" and can stop doing all the things that got you there. You said it yourself, in her mind you're done and can resume the lifestyle y'all used to have.
But that's not true if you want to stay healthy. You need to continue eating right and being active. She might hate that lifestyle, which is why she's trying to go back to how things used to be. A lot of people struggle with that kind of change. But y'all need to have a real conversation about it, not just stray comments.
Bama-1970 wrote:
If you’re a Type 2 diabetic, weight control is part of your therapy. If you gain weight, your insulin resistance will increase, and blood sugar levels will rise.
Over time you will develop all kinds of health problems, some of which will shorten your life. Perhaps your wife is medically ignorant. Take her with you to your next doctor’s appointment and ask your doctor to explain it to her. In the meantime, fix your own meals.
Economy_Fig2450 wrote:
You need to explain to her that these changes aren't a temporary thing, and this is a permanent new lifestyle change for you.
As for the meals. Your best bet is to continue making all your own meals for you and your daughter. Obviously offer to cook for your wife as well, but don't fight her if she doesn't want to eat what you cook. My guess is she's feeling jealous, of this new healthier you, and she's probably feeling threatened by your happiness.
ThrowRAMomvsGF wrote:
Wait you are diabetic and she's adding sugar and full fat / lots of oils to your food? She is actively trying to harm you, this is not a simple inconvenience.