"AITA for “ripping my daughter away from family?”
I (25F) and my husband (26M) recently had a baby. For context, my husband and I grew up in different states on opposite sides of the country. When we both graduated college, he moved to my home state to live with me.
I had a very long and difficult labor. I almost died, and so did my child. She was born not breathing and completely limp when she was placed on my chest. My parents are divorced, and I am an only child.
We live about fifteen minutes from my side of the family. Since my daughter’s birth, my mother has visited maybe four times. She shows up, takes a couple of photos for Facebook to show the world how great of a grandmother she is, and then leaves.
My dad is very involved, but I struggle with that because he and I did not have a good relationship while I was growing up. He has been narcissistic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive my entire life, which becomes important later. My husband’s family lives about eleven hours away and has seen the baby more than my own mother has.
When we visited his family during the holidays, we were able to go on date nights, have babysitters, and not have the baby tied to us all day. Our laundry was done, and we were able to take naps, showers, and do whatever we needed to recharge when our daughter had a rough night.
When we visit my side of the family, it is “let me hold the baby” as soon as we walk in the door, and we are barely acknowledged. We have received no help from them whatsoever. The area we live in is very expensive, and we currently rent an apartment. It is extremely difficult for us to get far enough ahead to save for a down payment on a house because of the cost of living.
Recently, my husband and I have discussed the idea of moving closer to his family. We have both been applying to jobs consistently. Somehow, my dad found out and threatened to no longer be involved in our lives if we move and “rip his granddaughter away from him.”
This was deeply hurtful, especially since I am his only child and he seems more concerned about losing access to our daughter than about losing me. These comments were also very hurtful to my husband, who has seen my dad as a father figure since his own father is not in the picture.
My mother has made similar comments. My response has been and remains that my husband’s family has made the effort to fly out and see us, so why can’t they? I do not want to punish my dad by moving, since he is a good grandfather.
However, we have no real support system here in my home state and we have a strong one where my husband’s family lives. I also want to eventually buy a home, settle down, and put our daughter in a good school, which I know we can do where his family is. So, AITA for thinking about relocating our family?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
mama_d63 says:
Girl, BOTH of your parents are narcissists. They don't help. They only think of themselves. You're not "ripping" their granddaughter away. You're going somewhere where you will have support and help. Two things you are going to need. Ignore the flagrant guilt tripping. You do what you have to for YOUR family. And, if the post anything on a public forum, do not hesitate to call them out. So NTA!!!!
OK_LK says:
So your narcissist, manipulative and emotionally abusive father is emotionally abusing you to manipulate you to get what he wants? That tracks! Is this the day-to-day influence you want your child to experience? Move as soon as you can. If your parents care, they will make the effort to visit.
Anxious_Reporter_601 says:
NTA, your dad hasn't changed. You aren't doing anything to him by moving, don't buy into his nonsense.
Mother_Ship_7913 says:
NTA. But make sure this is the right move. Because if you are only moving for help with the baby, you will be disappointed if that help doesn’t come as often as you would hope.
What do you think?