'I'm struggling to decide whether to end my 5-year relationship with my husband who's a nice guy.'
"I (31F) am struggling to decide whether to end my 5 yr long relationship with my (32M) husband who is a ‘nice guy.'"
I’m really struggling and could use some outside perspective. I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, married, and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting or if this relationship just isn’t working anymore. To be clear, there are no major red flags.
He’s never cheated and doesn’t talk to other women, he’s not physically or verbally dangerous, he’s not cruel or intentionally malicious. But I feel completely worn down by the day-to-day reality of our marriage. He does very little around the house. Dishes and cat litter boxes will sit dirty until I either do them myself or repeatedly tell him to.
If I want something done, I have to notice it, bring it up, and then hound him over and over. I manage basically the entire household...cleaning, finances, planning, grocery shopping, cooking...everything. He spends most of his free time gaming.
Emotionally, I feel very alone. He doesn’t want to listen to me talk about things I’m interested in, true crime, reality TV, music I’m interested in or even my own traumatic past experiences. He dismisses my interests as “brain rot” or says he’s not okay hearing about v**lence or m*rder, even though early in our relationship this was never an issue.
It feels like I’ve slowly been told that parts of who I am are annoying or unacceptable. There’s also a huge imbalance in consideration. One small example: we both smoke. My “job” is to provide the ‘tobacco’, his is to provide the wraps. He regularly leaves for work without making sure I have what I need, while I always make sure my part is handled before I leave so he won’t go without.
This kind of thing happens constantly...small, everyday moments where I’m thinking about him and he just…isn’t thinking about me. When I try to talk about how overwhelmed I am or how much I’m doing, he gets patronizing and says things like, “I never get on you about not doing things,” which completely ignores the fact that I’m already doing nearly everything.
I keep thinking, He’s not a bad guy. There’s no cheating. No abuse. And that makes me feel guilty for even considering leaving. But I’m exhausted, resentful, and lonely inside my own marriage. To the point where it’s being reflected in our bedroom activities as I feel parentified.
Is it unreasonable to consider ending a relationship when the problem isn’t something dramatic like cheating, but rather death by a thousand cuts? How do you know when “nothing is technically wrong” is still not enough?
Not long after posting, OP shared an edit.
EDIT: I feel like I left out an important part that adds to the ‘nice guy’ description I gave him. He is obsessed with me. Calls me beautiful all the time, wants to touch me all the time, talks all the time about how much he loves me etc etc. He has also been ok with me not wanting him to touch/be intimate with me...which I believe stems from me subconsciously infantilizing him due to his actions.
Everyone in my family and my friends love him and think he’s an A+ guy including my mother who, when I rant about these issues, reminds me that I could be with my ex who was extremely a**sive and the grass is always greener.
I also know from how the condition he lived in with his brother when we first started dating that he’s totally okay with only eating ramen noodles two times a day and having his house a complete mess...to the point that they’d buy new silverware instead of washing theirs. So it’s almost like he feels like my expectations for a clean house and good meals is “overkill."
I did acknowledge in the beginning that this was a red flag but he assured me that it was almost entirely his brothers influence. I feel like this is more a difference in standards, drive, and ambition than it is purposefully exploiting my labor...even though the end result feels the same.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Salt-Quality-1574 wrote:
Just because he isn’t dangerous doesn’t mean he’s a nice guy. Way too much is on your shoulders. I’d have a serious talk with him and set a timeline. If he doesn’t change then move on.
This is a situation where it feels like your husband is your child, if you stay in this zone for too long it will forever alter how you view him, it may have already. You’d probably be a lot happier being single. Sending love! You know what you deserve!
NervousBrother7058 wrote:
"To be clear, there are no major red flags- He’s never cheated and doesn’t talk to other women, he’s not physically or verbally abusive, he’s not cruel or intentionally malicious."
These aren't red flags, for the record. These are the behaviors that red flags are there to warn you about. So if he's secretive with his phone, that's a red flag for cheating. If he doesn't like it when you spend time with other people outside of him, that's a red flag for abuse. If he's demeaning to waitstaff, that's a red flag for cruelty.
And if he refuses to do literally any of the necessary tasks in a home he also occupies, that's a GIANT red flag that he's not a nice guy but actually a misogynist who sees domestic labor as women's work. These traits are not red flags but immediate, hard-stop dealbreakers.
Your entire post is describing various ways in which he does not respect you. No cheating or harm should be a given. It doesn't sound like he acts as though he likes you or admires you beyond not hitting you or fucking other women. And you think nothing is technically wrong here, please raise your standards sis.
wise_investigator282 wrote:
There's no harm but also no joy. You don't seem to share interests or really anything from reading your posts. Nothing is wrong but nothing is right.
In the current day and age, where marriage without kids is more like boyfriend+ territory, it seems reasonable to me to leave a person you don't like.
unearthedtrove wrote:
He’s obsessed with you and talks about how much he loves you but doesn’t give a crap about actually listening to you and glimpsing your rich inner world? No.