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'AITA for telling my wife I’m tired of raising a kid that is not mine?' Updated 2X

'AITA for telling my wife I’m tired of raising a kid that is not mine?' Updated 2X


"AITA for telling my wife I’m tired of raising a kid that is not mine"


I (31m) am married to my wife Amber (30f) we have a daughter Emma(7f) the problem is my wife’s best friend Jennifer (30f) has a daughter as well Harper (7f) well Harpers dad is a lazy sack of crap and refuses to do anything with his daughter. He is the type of guy that brags about how he never changed a diaper.

Jennifer and Harper are usually at Amber and my house on the weekends because Harper’s dad is drinking and watching sports all weekend. On Saturdays I normally sped all day with my daughter because I don’t see her as much as i want to during the week.

However with Harper being there every Saturday anything I do with Emma I have to do with Harper. Take Emma to the zoo it’s Emma, Harper and I. Taught them both how to ride bikes, takes them both to dance class, take them both to the kids salon, and so on.

Mother’s Day was the last draw, I took them both to dance class Saturday morning ( Amber and I also pay for both dance classes because dead beet won’t) on the way home Emma asked if we could stop to get something for mom for Mother’s Day.

I said sure but then it ended up I had to buy something for Harper to her her mom as well. On the way home I just kept thinking why am I buying someone else’s wife a Mother’s Day gift, that’s his job.

A few days later (because I did not want to ruin Mother’s Day) I told my wife that I am tired of raising Harper, her real father needs to step up. I tired of it taking away time I get to spend with Emma. She said that Jennifer is her best friend and we need to be there for Harper.

Now she is not speaking to me and sleeping in the guest bedroom. So AITA? Just wanted to add some updates to questions I see. Emma and Harper are best friends. It was my idea to spend Saturday with Emma, I work more during the week so I wanted to spend Saturday with Emma and to give my wife a bit of a break.

We pay for things be Jennifer’s husband thinks it’s a waste on money to pay for dance class and Jennifer can’t afford to pay by herself. Jennifer and Harper do things with Amber and Emma 1 or 2 times a week together during the weeknights.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:


NTA. If your wife wants to step up for Harper, then SHE needs to do that, not put it on you. She should be taking her places and doing things with her.

The OP responded here:


Amber, Jennifer, Emma, and Harper do things together during the week. My wife is a real good mother to Emma. It’s just the dynamics of Saturday that is my issue.


Just start taking Emma. If your wife pushes back, tell her that you and Emma need father daughter time. She and Jennifer can take Harper to do something with them. Focus on the fact that Emma needs you and needs that one on one time with you.


This is great advice, OP. Also, the "dead beet" thing had me laughing. (Maybe not your intention) but I kept imagining a literal giant beet on the couch with a beer in front of the TV.


Honestly, it sounds like a beet would be a better parent. At least it could provide some sustenance.

Two weeks later, the OP returned with an update.

"AITA for telling my wife that I’m tired of raising a kid that is not mine UPDATE"


So quite a few people has asked for an update on this situation, sorry it’s taken so long but it’s been a hectic few weeks. As for the updates the Amber and I are fine. Her reaction was based on poor word choices by me, poor communication by both of us, and some things I was unaware of at the time.

The short version is:

Things at home were much worse than I was aware of for Jennifer, and my wife had only recently found out how bad things were.

Mother’s Day was the straw that broke the camel’s back for Jennifer as well, she was raised in a you must stay together for the kids family, when Harper came to me for a gift she realized that her daughter did not see her sperm donor as a father so it was time to get out.

Jennifer came to my wife to ask for help leaving because she had no family in the area and Jennifer does not have the financial resources to leave on her own. So the night my wife was going to ask me if we could help her is when I told her I was tired of raising someone else’s kid. That’s what caused her reaction.

The Saturday after out initial argument Jennifer did not come over and Emma went to her grandparents, so the wife and I had a long discussion about what was going on, that’s when I found out all the stuff going on with Jennifer.

The wife and I decided the Jennifer and Harper can stay with us for the time being. My problem was never with those 2 it was that I had to take over for the deadbeat ( or dead beet if you prefer).

When we told Emma about this she was super happy her friend was staying with her. We had a conversation with her that if she wants to have time with either parent with out Harper just let us know, and we do not want her to feel left out of anything.

Last weekend with the help of a Uhaul and some friends of mine we got all of Jennifer’s and Harper’s stuff and moved it into our house. The good thing is we have a 4 bedroom house so everyone gets a bedroom, the bad news is my wife’s office got moved to the basement. Wish me luck we shall see how this goes.

Here were the top rated responses from readers after the OP's update:


You're a good man and a great dad.

It's good that Harper gets tonsee a good rolrolemodel for dad and not just the deadbeat.


Let’s hope boundaries are in place. Cause wait if op wants to take his wife & daughter on vacation? He’s gonna be guilted into paying for Jennifer and her daughter to go 😕


I’m really happy to hear you talked to Emma about 1 on 1 time, cus it really felt like you lost your special time with your daughter, because of that deadbeat dad.

Roughly a year later, the OP returned with another update.

"AITA for telling my wife that I’m tired of raising a kid that is not mine UPDATE 1 year later"


So it’s been almost a year since my last update but with Mother’s Day upon us I thought I would post an update and try to answer the questions I’ve gotten. Jenn and Harper are still living with us.

As I mentioned before Jenn did not make that much money, she worked as a phlebotomist for our local health network. The good news is with the current nursing shortage they have a program where they will pay for employees to go to nursing school.

She was able to start that in the end of August. The bad news is it’s an 18 month program and they only let you work 20hrs a week while you are in the program. So the arrangement is one she graduates she will move out then. That should be next May.

The Divorce with Dead Beet is still ongoing. Once he found out he was going to have to pay child support he tried every dirty nasty trick he could think of. No idea when that will be finished.

My wife is doing good, she happy she is helping her best friend, but 5 people in a house is a lot more work than 3. Since she works from home the pre and post school work falls on her.

Emma and Harper are still best friends. Shockingly Harper is doing much better in this environment than before. They don’t do everything together anymore. Harper quit dance class, but she started with soccer.

I think knowing that she will get fatherly attention no matter what she is doing has given her some freedom to pursue other interest. Harper has turned into my Lego buddy. Emma never had any interest but Harper and I have done some nice sets together.

Emma and I still have our daddy daughter dates on the weekend, I still take her to dance class, and she started to take fencing classes. I don’t know if I should be proud or scared that she could defeat me in a sword fight.

I think I am doing better a year later. That there is a plan with a timetable for Jenn and Harper has relived a lot of stress from my life. That I also don’t have to see Dead Beet has also been a relief. I also try to take a few hours a month for me time and to do my hobbies.

The bad part is I had thought that I was done with the portion of my life where I had roommates. It will also be nice when Jenn either gets her nursing job and/or gets child support so that Amber and I can stop footing the bill for so much.

For all the people that said Jenn was going to become our sister wife, or that I was going cheat of my wife with her, or that she was going to ruin my marriage out of spite, or any of the weird sexual fantasies some of you people had absolutely nothing has happened.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's second update:


I’m actually baffled this was a year ago. I have no concept of time. Or I’m just on Reddit too much. Probably both.


I was thinking the same thing, it felt like a couple of months, not a year.


Well, I'm glad things are working out for everyone and that there's a plan where these people will eventually move out, hopefully while they still all like each other.


I'm not going to lie; I'm pleasantly surprised by the update. I'm glad things are going fairly smoothly, considering how difficult the situation is, and grateful there's a plan in place so that it's only (somewhat) temporary.


What a spineless worm dead beet is, and I am glad that OP is ensuring that he and Emma get some bonding time separate from everyone else and that Harper gets the same treatment, but for her own interests.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit,Reddit,Reddit
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