'I'm uncomfortable with my GF's living situation. She acts like a mean girl to one roomie.' UPDATED

When someone shows you who they are, believe them - especially if it makes you reconsider your relationship to them.

"I 20M am not comfortable with my GF's 19F living situation and I'm not sure how to bring it up."

I (20m) am visiting my girlfriend (19f) for spring break. This is the first time I have visited here this year as we both go to colleges that are across the country from each other. I have met her two roommates briefly when we facetime and they all seem nice and enjoy similar things as her.

They had met each other through social media and had been talking for a while and had planned to live together so they're all pretty close. Her dorm is apartment style (includes living room and dining area). When she was giving me a tour I saw that there were 4 bedrooms. I know she and her two other roommates all have a room but I didn't know why there was a fourth room.

When I asked her she said that the room wasn't that important and laughed with her roommates. The first night, after having dinner the four of us were hanging out in their living room area when the door opened and another girl walked in. She seemed surprised to see me and walked right into the fourth bedroom.

My gf and her roommates started to laugh and after they were done told me that she was their other roommate. I was super confused because anytime I've talked with my gf the only other people who talk were the other two girls. My gf even sent pictures of the bathrooms, living room, and kitchen after the three of them decorated it for themselves.

My gf and her roommates then told me that because they went into the dorms as a group of three, they ended up with a random roommate. The entire time, they never said her name and just called her “random roommate” while laughing. At one point, the girl came out to fill her water bottle and my gf and the other two stopped mid conversation and stared like a hawk at her until she went back into her room.

After she did, they resumed talking and laughing. The girl didn't come out for the rest of the night. Before we went to bed I asked my gf more about her other roommate and why they all act like that. At first she was confused but then said that the girl is really nice she's just not like them.

She said that in the beginning of the year, the girl was really talkative towards them and friendly but the other two girls did some stuff and now she just goes to her room all the time. She said that she says hi to her sometimes when she's getting ready for class but that's it. She said that she was just different from them and not all roommates have to get along.

I asked if she knew I was coming and staying here for a week and she said no but she'd be fine with it. The past three days I’ve been here, I've noticed that while my gf and her roommates all hang out in the living room, the other girl stays in her room and only comes out when she leaves. My gf gave me a more in depth tour and the girl gets one door shelf in the fridge and half a drawer/cabinet in their kitchen.

The rest is used by the other girls. I asked why she doesn't have more space and my gf just shrugged. I'm not sure why but I just feel really soured about the entire thing. My gf has never been a mean girl but something about this just makes me uncomfortable.

On one hand, I'm really happy my gf was lucky enough to have roommates she gets along with and are her friends, but on the other hand I feel bad for her other roommate. I don't know if I'm just overthinking this. How do I bring this up to my gf or should I just leave it alone?

The internet jumped on with their opinions.

trishsf wrote:

Your girlfriend is a mean girl. She is. A talk isn’t going to change that fact. I’ll add this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

rogerslastgrape wrote:

Seems like your gf and her friends are getting joy out of making someone else's life miserable. There's a difference between being different kinds of people and straight up being mean, inconsiderate bullies. Doesn't look good in terms of her character.

Superb_Caterpillar23 wrote:

How do you trust someone in a LDR if they have poor character. Seems like she would do whatever with whoever if it was what her two roommates wanted, I'm sure you know this and it's what's bugging you. Like treating wait staff poorly.

OP responded:

Her two roommates both have boyfriends. I understand what you're saying, but I know that she would never cheat or do anything like that because of her family and what's she's been through. That's why I am so confused with all of this, she's never given any indication that she could act like this.

Sorry_I_Guess wrote:

And now she is giving every indication that she is exactly like this. Nobody is a monster . . . until they are. Frankly, as someone who has PTSD from being bullied, when you said "the other two girls did some stuff" and then she stopped being around them, I got a cold chill up my spine.

What she's telling you is that the other two girls did something so truly cruel to put that poor girl in her place that she literally went from being friendly and chatty to being withdrawn and not daring to leave her room most of the time. And that's even without the fact that they're unapologetically taking advantage of her and not giving her her fair share of a space that she pays equally to live in.

Your GF may be the ringleader, but she's not only standing by and allowing her "friends" to treat this girl like the dirt on the bottom of their shoes, she is actively participating in freezing her out and making her feel unwelcome. That whole "silencing their talking as soon as she enters the room"? And laughing about her behind her back?

That's straight-up vicious, "you aren't one of us" bullying. Your GF isn't just a mean girl, she's a vicious b*lly. And she is ruining that other girl's experience of university and leaving her with unhappy memories she will carry throughout the rest of her life, just as your GF will remember being happy with her friends.

And what she's "been through" or whether or not she would cheat on you is irrelevant. You literally are watching her behave this way and still denying it. She should be ashamed of herself, and so should you for not calling her out. People who say nothing while others are mistreated are just as bad as the ones doing it.

Oh, and for the record, this isn't about "not getting along". Your girlfriend said it herself - the girl was perfectly nice and friendly. This is not a mutual situation of "not getting along". This is your GF and her roommates bullying and freezing out their fourth roommate. Period.

OP responded:

Wow, thanks for this insight. I'm sorry you went through something similar. Part of me wonders if my gf knows what they did to her but idk. I'm leaving tomorrow and idk if I should say something to her now or after I leave. I don't want to do anything that causes her roommate to be treated worse because of me you know?

djinn_tai wrote:

Your girlfriend is a mean girl. You should watch how people treat those who aren't in the "group" because it could be you one day.

After getting useful feedback, OP jumped on with an update.

Hi everyone. I posted a while back and received some replies as well as a bunch of private messages. I decided to post a short update to let you all know what happened. Shortly after I posted and read through your comments and messages, I realized that this relationship was about to end. A lot of you brought up great points and I just couldn't justify staying with a person who acts like this.

That night, we all went out to a couple of parties and seeing her act just kind of reinforced my previous thoughts. Her and her friends were just so rude. I don't mean flat out, they actually were pretty fun and nice to a bunch of people, but the three of them just had no regard for everyone else except for them. It was like they had no awareness of their surroundings and didn't even care.

Towards the end of the night, I was so upset about everything that I asked my gf if we could head back early. She said yes and we split up from the other two girls. When we got back to her place and got ready for bed, I brought up her two roommates and just lightly spoke about everything on my mind.

She fully admitted that she knew the two girls were rude and literally called them “horrible b#$ches” but there was nothing she could do because they all lived together. I brought up that she willingly signed a lease to move in with them in an apartment next year and if she didn't like them, why did she always entertained them. She said she didn't know what to say and just kind of shrugged it off.

I then asked about her other roommate and found out wha the other two girls did. Apparently, when the three of them went out, the girl made her dinner and ate in their living room while watching a movie.

When they came back and saw her, one of the two walked into the living room, unplugged the TV (in the middle of the movie) and said, “you did not pay for this. This is not yours. Do not touch” while the other girl took the remote and laughed. The TV belonged to one of the roommates who brought it from her room at home.

The apps on it were all split between the roommates and I think one of the accounts belonged to the girl. So, my gf and the other girl also didn't pay for the TV. I was shocked. That is legit mean girl stuff you see in movies.

When I asked my gf what she did, she said she did nothing and in the moment laughed because she was embarrassed for her and that's just what she does when she's uncomfortable (which is true). My girlfriend passed out after that and I spent a little bit packing my stuff and preparing what I was going to tell her.

The next more I straight up told her that I really don't see a future with her. I said that she has become a b*lly and I don't want to be with someone who surrounds herself with people that are horrible people. She became defensive and said that shes never done anything bad and its the other two girls.

I told her that by now, shes an adult and had many chances to not partake in their b*llying but has chosen to and stuck up for them. She got very emotional and then became angry and told me to leave.

I got an Uber and headed to the airport and when I got back to my place she had texted me and asked if this was a break while I figured out what I wanted or if this was definite. I restated what I told her and said that I hope she figures out who she is and I wish her well.

I think she blocked me after that. I haven't heard from her since. I did hear from my friend's gf, who is friendly with her and on her private stories, that their room got busted for having alc0hol in them (which is banned in the dorms) and all four of them have to have a meeting with their RA and dorm director "proving their innocence."

I hope this gives the fourth girl an opportunity to tell them about her living situation but I don't think I'll ever know. Anyways, thanks for all the advice that I revise. I know it wasn't much, but I defiantly appreciate it.

The internet was fully invested in the update.

floridaeng wrote:

OP please contact the dorm people at her school and let them know how badly that one girl has been treated. You know the 3 are going to gang up and blame her for the alc0hol, and she is the victim here.

Congratulations on breaking up with that ex when you learned what your ex is really like before you got in any deeper. Now its time to try to protect the main target for ex and her two rude b*lly friends.

Big_Programmer52 wrote:

To be honest you should reach out to let them know what was going on. They will definitely blame the other girl for the alc*hol unless (and this is what I am hoping happened) the other girl told the RA about the alcohol to f#$k them over. And honestly if she has good parents/family I would reach out to them too. Staying in this path is really going to be bad down the line.

UpDoc69 wrote:

I know it was painful, but it was the right thing to do. You're becoming a good man. Keep your head up and working on yourself, and the right girl will come.

rainyreminder wrote:

I'm glad he broke up with her. What a garbage person that girlfriend and her pals are.

It sounds like OP made the right decision.