'AITA for immediately knowing I won’t be going to a family wedding as soon as I got the invite?'
"AITA for immediately knowing I won’t be going to a family wedding as soon as I got the invite?"
I, (28F) received a wedding invitation from my I guess step cousin? It’s my step mom’s niece and she’s 2-3 years younger than me. For context, I haven’t spoken to her, we’ll call her B, in about 15+ years.
She lives in Illinois with the rest of my stepmoms family and we live in Florida. B and I have been friends on Facebook and I even like her posts all the time about her family and whatnot on Facebook but she never even does the same with me.
As soon as she sent me the invite on Facebook messenger (wild) and I thought it was sweet that she thought of me but also thought it was a little strange because we aren’t close and while I am close with my stepmoms family, I am not and never have been close with her family in Illinois.
After a bit, I realized the invite was probably sent to me with the hopes and expectations of a gift of some sort and not actually because she wanted me to be there. I don’t have an issue with that bc why not send out more invites to get gifts?? 😂
However, I told my stepmom that it was sweet of her to think of me and nice to have the save the date. (even if it is just through messenger) I told my stepmom that I most likely would not be attending as my fiancé wouldn’t be able to take that time off as we are saving for a house for us and our almost 2-year-old.
We are hoping to have our own place and that’s means we are going to have to save as much as possible in the next year. I’m a stay at home mom, so in order to go, our toddler would have to come with, which would cost even more and just be super stressful to navigate without my fiancé there to help. My stepmom very clearly had an attitude about the reasons for not going.
She said “it’s over a year away.” MIND YOU, my fiancé and I are also engaged and on top of the house, plan to get married in January of 2028 so we are established in our own home and finances (as long as we are frugal and save literally everything) so I guess I’m just wondering if I’m the AH for immediately deciding I would not be attending even though it is TECHNICALLY family?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Savingsrhubarb8746 wrote:
NTA. All you need to do really is say "Sorry, I won't be able to make it". Of course, family (like your stepmother) or friends may try to insist on knowing why, and then persuade you why that reason isn't valid. That's why the fewer reasons given the better. Most people would probably not want to attend the wedding of a cousin they haven't seen or heard from in years.
You may not mind getting an invitation that is a gift grab, if that is what this invitation is, but many people are really annoyed and offended at invitations from near strangers that appear to be merely gift grabs.
If that is what your cousin did, she's surely offended some people. It's possible, of course, that she's just invited all her first cousins (full or half or step), but even if that's the case, she shouldn't be offended by some of the ones she doesn't know well declining the invitation politely.
Jujulabee wrote:
NTA. But take this as a lesson as there is never a reason to explain why you aren't going to be going to any social event. An explanation just complicates this. This is especially true when the wedding isn't even in your own city AND you have had no direct contact with this person.
Why in the world would you want to attend the wedding of someone you had no personal relationship with to the extent of not having seen or talked to them in 15 years. One of my cousins lives in New York and I am in California. We have a sporadic relationship with occasional phone calls.
I did receive a wedding invitation to his daughter's wedding which I thought was nice of him but I had absolutely no interest in flying to NY for the wedding. In my personal situation I did send a very generous check as a gift because I wanted to and also it was far less than I would have spent to fly there and back and get a hotel room - not to mention the hassle of traveling.
fizzdarling wrote:
Post a hard copy card with a small hand made gift, a drawing from your toddler? Express your thanks for the invite, apologise saying it is not possible for you to attend as traveling with your toddler such a long distance on your own would be too stressful for both of you.
Wish her well, then say no more on the subject.
Maybe stop liking posts as often, because why? You need to explain everything to your bio parent, so they have your back with your stepmum.
Jesiplayssims wrote:
NTA. The invitation is probably a result of stepmom's meddling. You need to keep stepmom on an information diet instead of discussing reasons and giving her an opportunity to interfere. (Though it's too late for that now.) Just say it's bad timing and change subject every time she brings it up.
karrynme wrote:
If your step mom wants you to go she can pay your way, this is not something that you can afford. No more conversation needed you are an adult and her opinion is irrelevant. I would offer to go if she pays and then drop it.
Anytime she brings it up restate your boundaries. I also would not expect much support with your wedding from her- she might be petty about the whole thing. Live your best life with your new family and let this topic go.
zealousideal_cloud77 wrote:
You’re not obliged to go to anything tbh
Let her be salty, it’s nothing to do with her - you don’t even have to give a reason 🤣