'My best friend and I are in a fight about how I’m not a mom. Am I overreacting?'
"My best friend and I are in a fight about how I’m not a mom. Am I overreacting?"
I think my best friend and I are kinda in a fight ? Yesterday my boyfriend of 7 years daughter (I’ll call her A(12) got her hair done. She came home 5 hours later hysterically crying about her hair. It was not what she wanted at all.
She wanted to go ash brown and this poor girl has a full head of blonde highlights. When she came home, I heard her crying and went in the kitchen to try and comfort her (knowing that there is not much I can say to help because in her mind this is the end of the word, which I understand).
I gave her a hug and told her that it looked good but that I know that that’s not what she wanted and is extremely disappointed. She told me she was going to her room and was still crying so I figured I should give her some space and that her dad and I would figure it out later.
In the meantime, I FaceTimed my best friend of 10 years (I’ll call her B) and was like “we have a teenager crisis”. Let me preface by saying B is a mom to an almost 13 year old girl and has 2 other kids with one on the way.
I myself, am not a mom. I’ve been around A since she was 6, but she has a mom and coming from a divorced family where there was bitterness between my mom and step mom, I try very hard not to overstep A’s mom as just being A’s dad’s girlfriend.
Anyways, we’re on the phone and B keeps telling me to walk in A’s room while I’m on FaceTime with B and show B A’s hair. I told B no I’m not doing that. A is upset and overwhelmed and I thought A was on the phone with her mom anyways so I’m not just gonna walk in there.
A told me she was going to her room and like I said previously, was hysterical, and I told B this. B kept literally demanding that I go into A’s room. I kept telling B I’m not going in there and that A needs time to herself to cry it out and that I definitely wasn’t going in there with B on FaceTime to show B the hair situation.
B became increasingly agitated and kept saying “you’re not a mom, you’re not a mom, you’re not a mom”. To which I told her “you’re right, I’m not a mom”. I told B I wanted to respect A’s need for space and that she’s overwhelmed.
Again B starts with the “you’re not a mom” and at this point it’s hurting my feelings and almost feels like she is feeling superior towards me for not being a mom? I’m not a mom, probably never will give birth to children of my own, and have no problem being step mom.
However, from my experiences of being a daughter with a mom and step mom, I know if I were in A’s situation I definitely wouldn’t want to be bothered at that moment.
This went on for about 5 minutes when I basically said to B nicely I’m going to do things my way and I’ll let her know how it goes. B responded with something along the lines of “don’t bother, you didn’t listen to me so I don’t want to know.” I hid my hurt feelings and told B bye and that I would talk to her later.
A calms down. We pick up her friend and we all go out to dinner. We went to target and even picked out hair dye but I told A she needed to make sure it was okay with her mom before I did anything.
A’s mom ended up making a hair appointment for A to get it fixed. I texted B after dinner and said “I know you kept saying “you’re not a mom you’re not a mom” and you’re right, I am absolutely NOT a mom. Crisis still adverted”.
She still hasn’t responded and we talk every day multiple times a day. Should I have not texted her that ? Am I wrong to have my feelings hurt over this ? Am being overly sensitive ? Should reach out or just let B stew?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your feelings make total sense. B was acting like being a mom automatically makes her the expert and completely ignored A’s feelings. You did right by giving A space and handling it respectfully.
Your text was lowkey savage but fair acknowledging you’re not a mom and the crisis got handled anyway. Let her stew for a bit, she might cool off and realize she overstepped.
A teenager who feels like her hair looks horrible does not want anyone coming in FaceTiming her hair. You don’t have to be a mom to know that, you did the right thing.
Let B stew. Hopefully she’ll see the error of her ways in a day or so. Even as a mom, what works with one child isn’t going to work with all of them. I’m a mom & I think you handled it perfectly.
NTA. You did the exact right thing. You let A sit with her feelings and offered a solution once she calmed down. "B" is an actual "B". Remember the saying, " with friends like that, who needs enemies?" I wouldn't reach out to her again & if she never contacts you again, she's not your friend anyway.
You were respecting A’s boundaries…I don’t get why your friend needed - no INSISTED - she intervene. Mom or not, it’s not her kid. She deserved her privacy to freak out and it wasn’t her right to say to you multiple times you’re not a mom - aka insinuating you couldn’t assess the situation…which you did and your decision to leave her alone was valid.
NOR...I think you handled the part with your "step daughter" wonderfully. Now, just keep your emotions out of your friend's "wonderful" suggestions and hopefully on due time it'll fall by the wayside.😍
P.S. only you know if you were truly snarky in your response. Two wrongs don't make one right. You could apologize if you were, but I feel like the other part was done well.