'AITA for letting my brother-in-law strain my marriage?' UPDATED

"In-laws are straining my marriage but it's MY fault apparently..."

About a year ago, me (28F) and my husband (30M) allowed my BIL (19M) to move in with us to get him out of a rough situation and help him start "adulting". This was about May of last year. I agreed to have him move in with the promise from BIL and husband that it was only going to be a couple of months until BIL found a roommate to move out with.

He is also to pay some rent monthly as he has a full time job now, keep his area clean, and help out around the house. Keep in mind I have 2 children under the age of 5 and also work, and I'm still the house keeper. (Cleaning, cooking food, etc.), while my husband also works about 60 hours a week.

Fast forward those couple of months, no luck on finding a roommate. BIL still living with us. Okay, he's young. I'm just gonna give him some more time to figure this out. I'm trying to be understanding and gracious, as I also had some help getting on my feet at this age.

I have confronted BIL a few times asking "So how is the roommate search going?" "You found an apartment yet?" only to be answered with shrugs and "I don't know." I will say, at this point I'm starting to feel in the dark with what is actually going on. As in, is there even a plan of him moving out? Is he even looking for a roommate or an apartment? Husband says just give him more time and that he's working on it.

Frustrated, he's requesting to have his girlfriend of 2 years, who lives out of state, to move in too with the promise that she has a job and they will move out in one month. I tell my husband that I'm not comfortable with it, as BIL was not supposed to be here at this time in the first place.

Husband says I'm overreacting and starts making comments of making me sound like I don't care about his family. Angry, I just shut down and keep my mouth shut to avoid the argument, my next mistake. Girlfriend moves in and surprise, surprise, doesn't have a job and claims she's been "looking for one" for 3 months now since living under my roof.

Fast forward to now. Rent is not being paid anymore, the cleaning of their own areas have stopped, and there has been absolutely no trying to find a way to move out of my home. I've quit asking BIL questions to keep myself from being furious and directed the questions towards my husband.

At this point I'm done trusting that my husband has any plan or control in this whole situation, which is driving me insane. Any time I bring it up to my husband, I'm met with hostility and accusations of just wanting to throw his family out on the street and that I shouldn't be upset with this because I agreed to it.

Agreed to what? Yes, I agreed to to BIL moving in for a couple of months, yes I graciously gave him extra time to figure things out. At this point I no longer feel comfortable in my own home and everyday me and my husband argue about it which always turn into very ugly outcomes.

We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. I'm annoyed that I've been conned into taking on 2 grown adults, while trying to raise my own family. I'm angry that I'm being made out to be the bad guy when all I wanted was to be helpful. I don't know what to do anymore. I guess my main question to the world is...AITA because I let this all happen in the first place?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Nowelo said:

NTA - but that sounds like a terrible situation. Something you may not have considered, if the GF or BIL go the legal route, because they have been there that long they could actually fight being evicted. Your husband is the AH in this case. Tell him he has to clean up their area, make their dinner etc. Any food they eat should come out of his "spending" money.

Icy-Doctor23 said:

You have a DH problem. Get into marriage counseling. Find alternate housing for you and the kids (now) if counseling doesn’t work out. Take your kids and visit family or friends for a couple of weeks and let him sort it out with his brother and then tell him the condition that you will return home is when they are gone or you won’t return and you can divorce.

Active-Pay-8031 said:

NTA. You’re effectively a doormat for your scheming and conniving husband. Either take the kids and split, or throw the husband and freeloaders out. If you don’t, you’ll be in the exact same position ten years from now.

Background_System726 said:

NTA. Your husband is for letting his brother stay and not making him abide by the terms of his agreement. He should be demanding that they find their own place and while they're there handle the rent the cleaning up all of the things that they're supposed to do.

You shouldn't have folded on the gf issue but I understand how tiring it must've been for you to keep arguing with your husband. You two need to go to a public place, restaurant, park etc and have a calm conversation. Write it all down if you need to. Set your boundaries they need to be gone in say 30 days or...and fill in the blank.

And whatever the fill in the blank is you need to do that thing. If it's I'm going to leave you, get my own place and file for divorce, if it's I'm moving back home with my family of origin if that's a possibility or I'm moving in with my best friend, whatever your or what is, you follow through with that no matter what if they are not gone. Good luck and I hate that your husband is being such an AH to you.

ConfusedAt63 said:

NTA, it doesn’t sound like you really allowed this, you objected along the way and was ignored basically. What to do? Give your husband and BIL a choice, one of them has to leave or you will.

You have been more than patient and now it is affecting everyone in the home. You could go on strike for all things unrelated to caring for YOUR kids. You can take your kids home to your parent’s place maybe, to make a point that you will walk out.

Eastern_Condition863 said:

NTA. Time for the wife strike. No cleaning or cooking for anyone but you and the kids. Time for them to actually live in the mess they make. If you can afford to get you and the kids an apartment for the time being, I would recommend that. Time to put talk into actions.

lokcutie said:

NTA. This started as a helping hand and turned into a full-blown freeloaders’ paradise. “A couple of months” somehow became “indefinite stay with bonus guest,” and now they’ve dropped the act completely. At this point, eviction notices should be going out with the morning coffee.

The next day OP came back with this update:

BIL (19M) and his GF has overstayed their welcome in my (28F) and my husband's (30M) home. 10+ months for the BIL and 3+ months for the GF. I was conned into the whole situation when both husband and BIL said it would only be for a couple months, which was last May.

Rent has stopped being paid, cleaning of their own areas stopped and there has been no attempt of them to leave my home. I'm uncomfortable in my own home and my husband absolutely blows up at me any time I bring it up, and accuses me of hating his family and wanting to throw them out on the street. AITA?

First I would like to say thank you all for the different perspectives. Most of all the responses said I should just kick all three of them out and say good riddance. I will say, some of the responses gave me a good little laugh in this extremely frustrating situation, so thank you for that too.

Taking everything into consideration, I gave my husband an ultimatum last night and I'm sticking to it. They need to be gone by June 1st, with all rent paid according to how I had laid it out or else I'm moving out with the kids into an apartment. I'm also not cooking for them (just enough for me and the kids), all laundry detergents and toiletries will be kept in my closet, and internet passwords will be changed.

Now, before I get "2 months is too much time for them", hear me out. This is also time for me to get my ducks in a row should I actually be moving out. Which, in theory, I'll know by mid May if they aren't moving out if they don't have anything lined up by then. I really do doubt my husband is wanting this to actually happen (me and the kids moving out) but I wouldn't put it past him thinking that I'm bluffing.

All in all, I would hope it doesn't have to come to that point. I am happy to learn though after sketching a quick budget, that I would be able to support me and both of my children with my own income if worst came to worst. Thanks again!

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Wadewilson101 said:

Based on how your husband has dealt with this situation I hope he is not calling your bluff, but be ready. Good luck.

AlannaAdvice said:

I think your husband thinks you’re bluffing and he’ll try and con you again. He might say they’ll move out and then guilt you for the next 2 months. And then sometime in May, he’ll tell you that they need just a little more time. Be prepared for more bargaining and guilt tripping. Do not negotiate with them. I wish you luck. I hope your husband chooses well NTA.

Sea_Firefighter_4598 said:

Start looking at apartments and make sure your husband sees you do it.

buckyball60 said:

Some advice: Look up the eviction process in your location (state if you are in the US). It will often require a 30 day notice in cases like this. Some states are different so please find a reliable source. Work with your husband to start the eviction process at the end of April. If he starts it with you, then great. If not, then you have all of May to sign a lease.

BostonJohnC said:

If your husband put you in this position, you should leave regardless. It’s obvious he has no spine, no decency and no respect for you, your marriage and your family.

rocketmn69_ said:

Go see a lawyer Bring the business card home and leave it partially hidden where your husband can find it. He'll realize how serious you are.

Glinda-The-Witch said:

I think this is a marvelous idea. Make sure he is aware of all the steps you’re taking to prepare for the worst possible scenario. Make sure you separate your finances. Open your own bank account if you don’t already have one. Make an appointment with an attorney‘s office, you can always cancel it if you don’t need it.

Make sure you put it on the shared calendar. Ask him to watch the children and when you return, make sure you have information from each of the apartment complexes you have looked into. You deserve peace in your own home, good luck

About 2 months later OP came back with this update:

So here we are, getting really close to June 1st and yes, they are still living in my house. Here's where things are getting gray for me and need all the advice possible.

I recently got diagnosed with stage 2 hypertension and working on getting that under control. I have chronic anxiety and experience rolling panic attacks that last for up to a week sometimes twice a year. Since my last post I had a 4 day episode, as well as the diagnosis. Doc says I'm far too young to have a diastolic pressure chilling at 97 and will be dead in 15 years if I don't make changes now.

Since then, I have been stepping back and focusing on me. Getting healthy, losing weight, etc. With that said, my husband has been alot nicer to me and helping out around the house so I can focus on myself and my kids. The constant shouting has basically stopped, the gaslighting is non-existent, and for once I actually feel confident about my future.

Since the diagnosis the energy in my house has completely changed, and what I feel may be for the better. BIL's girlfriend has gotten a full time job at the end of last month and to my surprise, has been sticking to it. Also, rent has been paid since me laying down the law back in March.

They have picked up the cleaning routine, buy their own groceries, and actually seem to be doing well for themselves. Shoot, the GF has even been helping me out with the kids if I seem "too stressed". They are actively looking at apartments and attempting to move out. But... it's looking like they are wanting to push out the June 1st deadline.

Would I be showing myself as a doormat if I let them have a couple more weeks? Or is it my obligation to follow through with the deadline I gave in the beginning?

I have a feeling my husband did have a lot to do with them getting their sh*t together which I'm grateful for. Kinda sucks that I have to risk a stroke in order to get through to him though... that's another topic for a different day I think.

Next morning UPDATE: I put my kids down for the night last night and I brought the deadline up to my husband again. I calmly asked "Hey June 1st is coming up, any progress?" "No." "Are you going to talk to them about it?" "No." Then he flipped. Really bad. Starting yelling at me at the top of his lungs. I told him we had an agreement and then he basically told me to hell with the agreement.

I lost it guys. I told him it's obvious he doesn't care about me or my feelings and that he's welcome to leave with them too. He says "Okay, tell me when you want me out." I told him June 1st was already the date. He shut down, stopped talking. He stormed out the door. Said he wasn't going to to fight about it tonight.

I tried calling and messaging him, no response. He turned off his location. He came back late last night, doesn't say a word. Wakes up this morning and then TRIES TO SMALL TALK WITH ME. Like nothing happened. I ignored it all. Not because I'm trying to be petty, but because I genuinely don't know how to process this.

My oldest wakes up today and asks "why is daddy not staying at our house anymore?" So knowing that my 4 year old heard all of this commotion is devasting me.