"AITA for 'infantilizing' my roommate?"
Hi all, I (24M) have been having an increasingly grating time with my roommate (26M) and his habits regarding to shared chores & food resources.
Since we've moved in, I was trying to get him to eat better & learn how to cook [ETA: He requested this help. I didn't force this randomly].
He's a self proclaimed vegetarian, has autism related texture issues, & refuses to eat certain staple foods because it reminds him of bad stuff. I'm not mad at that, I've hand picked recipes working around those restrictions. I've showed him ~8 times now how to do the same recipe, then written it physically, digitally and even offered to record a video of me making it.
Something simple, & quick for something that would feed him for days. He hasn't attempted once. Even stuff I've pre-cut for him to cook with ends up just being shoved to back of the fridge for me to find molded over when I'm cleaning. I gave up.
Now, though, he goes through entire sleeves of bread in less than 30 hours with nothing more than PB on it, eats entire boxes of crackers and cereal, family sized packages of oatmeal, sometimes even all the fresh fruit we buy. Usually in such short time spans it feels like I can't enjoy anything without feeling some sort of rush to get there first.
(We buy groceries with pooled together money) It wouldn't be so grating if he just would take the time out of his day to replace the things he eats up when he's the one with more free time. He's even done it to things that are expressly mine & he's done it to my baking. The first time I made milk bread I had just pulled the two loaves out from the oven to rest overnight to enjoy in the morning.
By the time I woke up there was maybe three slices left of one loaf. I'm not sure how he didn't get sick. I'm not, like, fat shaming him either. He's rail thin - I'm the fat one. I've told him often he needs to eat REAL meals so he isn't constantly going back into the kitchen every 30 minutes still hungry. Spoken from experience.
But once he finally DOES cook something proper to eat, he leaves a MESS. The inside of our cabinets are stained with soy sauce and sticky honey. I've had to get uncooked rice out of my flour, sugar, and my dog's water bowl. He doesn't clean after himself. I could leave it like that for days and he wouldn't care or notice. He also routinely dumps rice *into the sink* and not the garbage.
I remind him constantly, near daily, to PLEASE stop that. I can even count how many times he's done the dishes on one hand since the beginning of this year. His reasoning is that he just doesn't like how it feels, or he just didn't think about it. He won't even take out the garbage or clean his cats litter until it I ask him to or remind him, or it gets so bad he *has* to.
I've already talked to my roommate about why I'm upset with him and his only response was sort of like "I will try to remember to do XYZ" (not even a hardline "I will do better") and "I know you care about me but you don't need to infantilize me".
That's been bothering me. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
SnarkyBeanBroth wrote:
Look up "weaponized incompetence".
NTA. But he's not your child to parent, so quit trying to fix him.
OP responded:
That's a fair point. A lot of my friends have basically said the same thing to me over and over. I didn't intend to fix him, I wanted to help since he seemed excited about having the chance to have a kitchen he can actually use for the first time.
I was too, I mean. I moved out of a household of food insecurity and neglect. Which I guess is why I'm so easily annoyed about his eating habits, even if it shouldn't be my business at this point. I'll take it to heart to think about, even so.
Jewelcatlady wrote:
INFO: Did he ask you for help? In the meantime, quit pooling your money for groceries. Quit trying to "help" him eat better. Even if he asked in the first place, which isn't clear, STOP. He has shown he can not or will not take your advice.
If necessary, lock your things in your room or get a lockable cabinet or cabinet locks for the kitchen. Ditto a refrigerator for anything you really want to keep him from eating. There are various sizes of small refrigerators available, some with more than a teeny, tiny freezer compartment.
Find out if there is a fruit you love that he hates, which should be possible given his sensory issues, so you don’t have to lock as much up. Not giving a judgment because if he asked for help and then ignored it n-t-a, buy if he never asked, y-t-a.
Edited to add judgment after reply: NTA.
OP responded:
When we first moved in it was just a known fact I was a good cook / baker. He asked for help with getting to be familiar with cooking and what foods to buy and his friends encouraged him to try. Had to give up that eventually for many reasons.
I've gotten into the habit of hiding a lot of things from him that I know would be gone concerningly fast, but that makes me feel like an AH for doing it even knowing it's an effect way to stop conflict even if its one-sided because I bottle it up.
These days he doesn't really ask for help as much anymore but we've been very distant lately for reasons I can't comfortably mention in public places. The most these days is just reminding / reconvening with him on what ingredients he likes so I can add it to grocery lists.
I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to mention, but like, he's still my friend. He's done a lot for me I can't possibly repay. A lot of the motivation to try to motivate him to eat better is because of the fact he's so thin. He's recovering from a really awful eating disorder, and I want to get him to try and eat stuff that isn't just bread, bread and more bread.
I'm not forcing him against his will or screaming at him, god no. In my mind he deserves to have something decent to eat but I didn't want to baby him to the point of cooking all his meals for him. But it's honestly fair to call me an AH for being in his business though, I'm not going to be upset about that.
Teenysod wrote:
ESH. What he eats is up to him - all your "helping" is infantilising him. he's an adult.
As he is an adult, it's not acceptable to be leaving around extreme mess - he needs to clean up.
Stop buying everything jointly - just do household cleaning stuff etc.. Simple "I understand where you are coming from, I think we should stop sharing food shopping as it isn't working any more." Separate cupboards. DO keep on his arse about his mess: poor pets :( - focus on what would work for him to "remember". And don't renew the lease.
WatercoLorcurtain wrote:
NTA for being mad about him being a slob and eating your food. But for the love of god, stop acting like his mom and trying to make him eat better. Buy your own groceries and let him eat dry cereal. You’ll both be happier that way.
blugirl21 wrote:
YTA. Why are you doing any of that stuff? Did he ask for you to help him eat better and cook better? Why are you still sharing groceries? Once you saw that it's not sustainable or fair you should have reevaluated.
As for the messiness, that's not something he seems willing to change so you need to decide if that's something you can live with. The whole thing sounds terribly enmeshed especially since you're so incompatible. He's not going to change so you need to either accept or move on.