'AITA to insist on knowing my girlfriend's credit card debt?' 'ARE YOU EMBARRASSED?'
"AITA to insist on knowing my girlfriend's credit card debt?"
My (M40) gf (F47) is in a tight financial situation and she struggles with her budget. Our personal finances are separated as we live separately since we met (about 3 years). We often discuss about our respective finances, about how to optimize our budget. We have a good understanding of each other's financial situation.
We know each other's income, mortgage, car credit, monthly expenses etc. I pay off my credit card every month, but I know she struggles to do that. She has 2 credit cards with a debt on it. I don't know how much because she never told me. But one time, 2 years ago I believe, she didn't use her credit card because she hit the limit. So I'm guessing it's significant.
Yesterday we had another discussion about her upcoming mortgage renewal causing a lot of stress because she will potentially have to pay ~$400 more per month. So she's currently re-examining her financial situation and tries to find solutions. While we were discussing about that, I brought up the credit card debt topic to ask basically "How much?" She said "I don't know."
So I was like: well you should know, because it costs you every month. And with the mortgage renewal she has the opportunity to pay off her credit cards debt, so yes +$400 on the mortgage is bad, but if you have -$100 or something because you paid off the credit card debt, that helps.
She said she understands my point but that's not important, what is important is that her expenses exceed the income, she keeps paying her credit card but her debt grows anyway, regardless how much she pay off per month. I kept my stand point on how important it is to know the amount of debt.
I asked her again how much, she repeated I don't know, that's not important. I said "if you don't know, look, open your bank app, it's literally one click away." She didn't want to that. I tried to convince her that establishing a budget is useless if you don't know all the costs, asked her again, I told her that she was kinda burying her head in the sand, she has to know, etc.
I even asked her at some point "are you embarrassed to tell me how much is it?" and she kept saying "That's not important, it's not what I'm talking about"...This fight went on, until the point when she went walk outside and took some fresh air for a while.
Now she is mad at me because I pushed her boundaries and I'm mad at her because, one. she is hiding her debts to me and two. she didn't communicate that she didn't want to tell me, she played the "I don't know" card instead. AITA to insist on knowing my girlfriend's credit card debt?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
BMal_Suj said:
NTA yet, but if you keep pushing it you will become one. Your interest is understandable, and asking in and of itself isn't an a-hole move. Once there is even a HINT of combining finances you have a RIGHT to know... you have a right to know before you get married (even if you plan on keeping separate finances)... full financial disclosure should come before getting engaged, ideally...
But in your relationship, as you describe it, she has a right to privacy. And she has clearly told you "no". That said...There are some red flags here for her finances, and your relationship. Being financially incompatible, and not fixing that can destroy the most loving and otherwise compatible relationships around.
TryingToBeLevel said:
NAH - You are only dating and you do not live together. Your income/expenses are presumably not co-mingled yet. She can have her debt and her horrible finances and you can have your well planned, managed finances and thats fine.
BUT - Do not move the relationship forward if she doesn't share that info. Don't tie yourself to someone who isn't willing to discuss their full financial picture. That will become your financial future if you marry. Her lack of interest in solving her debt either means the is financially ignorant or purposefully hiding it. Both are horrible situations.
Living-Assumption272 said:
NTA to ask, but YTA to insist. You don’t have shared finances, aren’t married, and your not responsible for her debts.
Kami_Sang said:
ESH - you don't live together, not married, no joint finances so she can keep that info to herself. However, do not move in with her unless you fully understand her financial situation and you want go take on or get trapped on her issues. Right now you can just look on and be protected....
Terrible-Fruit-3072 said:
NTA OP. This is a massive red flag. You should never commit to a partner with massive loans bc that loan will one day be yours too if you decide to get married. Trust that she has an absolutely massive amount of loan that she doesn't want you to see and take action. You don't need to know an exact figure tbh.
Terrible-Fruit-3072 said:
YTA Your girlfriend’s debt is none of your business because you live separately and have not co-mingled finances. But yes you are right about her hiding the amount and how she should roll the debt into the house refinance.
Used_Mark_7911 said:
ESH. You aren’t married or even engaged, you don’t live together, and you maintain completely separate finances. I don’t see why you would feel entitled to a detailed breakdown of her debts.
Having said that, I understand your frustration with your gf’s attitude. She’s living beyond her means and not taking any meaningful steps to get her finances under control. She will never get out of this hole if she won’t even look at her statements.
Do you envision getting married someday? If you do, it would be reasonable to tell her that you would never consider taking that step blindly without knowing her financial situation was stable. She needs someone to assess her finances and help her come up with a realistic plan. It does not have to be you, but it pretty clear she won’t fix this on her own.