'AITA for insisting we go back to separate finances after my partner audited me?'

"AITA for insisting we go back to separate finances after my partner audited me?"

I’m 32M, my partner is 30F, together almost 6 years, living together 4. We’ve always both worked, and for most of the relationship we kept our own accounts and split shared stuff. About a year ago she pushed hard for “one pot” because she said it would make us feel like a team and help us save.

I agreed, mostly because I trusted her and I was tired of having the same conversation every month about who owes what. We set up a joint checking, both paychecks go in, bills come out, and we kept small personal “fun money” lines in a notes app. In theory, simple.

Last week she texted me while I was at work a screenshot of our bank statement with my transactions circled like homework. She had made a Google Sheet with categories (coffee, takeout, “random”, etc) and totals. She asked me to “explain” a $38 charge at a hardware store, two $7.50 coffee stops, and a $12.99 subscription she “didn’t approve.”

The $38 was a replacement hose for the leaky kitchen faucet because she’d been annoyed about the drip for days. The subscription was a language app I’ve used for months, it just renewed.

The coffees were on a morning I was running late and also grabbed one for her, but the second one was a separate tap because my card glitched, so it posted twice and one was already reversed. I told her that and thought it would be done. It wasn’t. She said I was “dodging” and that if I wasn’t hiding something I wouldn’t get defensive.

Then she pulled out a crumpled grocery receipt from the counter and said “and this too, why are you buying name brand cereal when we said generic.” I honestly felt my stomach drop. It wasnt about the $7. It was the vibe of being monitored. I told her I’m not comfortable being audited and I’m not going to justify every small purchase like I’m asking permission.

She said she “has to” because she’s the only one who cares about our future and my spending is “chaotic.” I said, ok, if this is how joint finances are going to be, I want to go back to separate accounts. We can set a fixed monthly amount each into the joint for rent, utilities, groceries, and anything extra we discuss. My money stays my money, her money stays hers.

Now she’s furious. She says separate finances means I’m planning to leave, or I’m hiding debt, or I want to control her by making her worry. She also told her sister I’m “financially abandoning” her, which is wild because she makes slightly more than me. I’m not refusing to contribute, I’m refusing the surveillance.

I told her I love her but I’m not doing a relationship where I get interrogated over a faucet hose and coffee. She says I’m being dramatic and punishing her for “trying to be responsible.” AITA for insisting we split finances again after she went full detective on my spending?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

NobodybutmyshadowRed said:

NTA - If you can't trust each other, and she obviously doesn't trust you, I think that a joint account with each also having a separate account cuts down on complaints. One couple I know cut way down on arguments about money that way. Incidentally, have you checked on her spending, just to make sure that she isn't projecting or squirreling away money somewhere?

Deflated_Hypnotist said:

NTA Couples therapy or split

TararaBoomDA said:

Split the finances again, and while you're at it, have your pay deposited into your own account. Then transfer your half into the joint account each month. Personal purchases come out of your own account, household expenses and joint purchases come out of the joint account. This has worked for me & hubby for over 4 decades.

Individual-Foxlike said:

NAH bordering on NTA. Her telling her sister weird shit is approaching asshole behavior. If you intend for this relationship to continue, you need to tell her flat out that this level of nickel and diming isn't okay. Tell her that big purchases you two can absolutely talk about, but you refuse to be interrogated over every single thing.

It sounds like she has trauma regarding finances, and she likely needs therapy longterm to sort herself out. If she refuses that, though, this relationship will have no future. There's a reason that money is the number one reason for divorce.

Hawaiianstylin808 said:

Ironic that she says you want to control her when she is trying to control you. She might need some therapy. NTA.

flash_gitzer said:

NTA. You don’t need her permission to separate your finances from hers. Move your direct deposit into a solo account and revert to the way things were. If that is a deal breaker for her then maybe you shouldn’t be together.