'AITA for insisting we buy my family’s house instead of starting from scratch?'

"AITA for insisting we buy my family’s house instead of starting from scratch?"

My partner and I are planning to buy a home in the next year or so. My family owns a house that I could buy significantly below market value (approx 100k less), with solar panels, new heating systems, and no urgent renovation needs. It’s spacious, has a garden, and would require minimal monthly expenses compared to most other options.

She, however, is emotionally opposed to the idea, not because of the house itself, but because it belongs to my family (we all have very good and healthy relationships).

She says it wouldn’t feel like "her" home, that she’d feel like she’s living in someone else’s life, and that even a full renovation wouldn’t solve that. She wants to start from zero: ideally buying an apartment (likely smaller, more expensive over time, no garden, older infrastructure) with no "history" tied to either of us.

I’ve tried offering compromise: full freedom to renovate, symbolic detachment from my family (they’d have no say in anything), etc. Still, she says it would feel like giving up her sense of independence. She’d rather rent or spend more on a less optimal place just to have something that feels “ours” from day one.

I understand emotional attachment matters, but it feels like I’m being asked to ignore a rare and stable opportunity because of a symbolic rejection of anything tied to my past. I’m not trying to force her, just hoping she’d meet me halfway. But all signs point to this being a dealbreaker for her. Has anyone dealt with something similar? Is this an irreconcilable values difference, or is there a way to make this work?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

impish_or_admirabl wrote:

OP, I think you’ve left out vital info that you and your partner are not married, but “probably will be” in future, as well as the fact that you can’t afford it without her.

You have made it sound like this is the wisest, most financially responsible option - a “rare and stable opportunity” - but it isn’t even possible for you on your own. You don’t get to dictate what is most financially responsible for someone else to do with their money.

If you can’t afford it on your own and she doesn’t want it, it isn’t a viable option for you. Especially considering your finances aren’t legally tied together. If you want the house, maybe consider asking someone other than your gf for help. If you want to move in together, you’ll have to compromise on what that looks like. NAH.

Randomnaturefeels wrote:

This should be top. OP left out crucial details about this situation to make himself and this house decision look better for him.

Edit: And after the comments OP has left about “letting her” do things in his house, I’m more inclined to say YTA.

Significant_Yak_5371 wrote:

The thing is that she doesn’t believe that your family won’t be involved for whatever reason. That is the issue you must address and you haven’t addressed in a convincing fashion. My assumption would be that your family is very involved, maybe even too involved in your life and she doesn’t want them anymore involved.

Are you one of those people who lives down the road from your family and spends at least one day a week with them every single week? Cause that’s what I’m picturing.

old_motters wrote:

My wife moved into a home that I chose and bought long before I met her. She wasn't on the deeds and never really felt like it was her home. Eventually we moved and we picked a house that she felt at home in.

Your girlfriend has her feelings and you shouldn't invalidate them by insisting on this. However, is this a forever home or a step on the ladder? With that kind of equity you could move on and up sooner. Could you sell this as temporary NAH.

Not long after posting, OP shared a few edits.

EDIT: wow, thanks everyone for chiming in, lots to think about. I understand I left some important details too: We're not married, but we're headed that way (but not yet proposed). We've been together for 8 years, no other issues in the relationship, she's the person I'll be spending my life with.

EDIT #2: I understand I left out important information, of course it wasn't intentional. I also understood I'm the one being pushy about it so I'll take a step back and start seriously considering other options, given also the possible downsides of purchasing a family home.

The comments kept coming.

Cool_Afternoon_747 wrote:

The big unanswered question here is, why are you getting it for 100k less than market value? What would your parents say if you bought it and flipped it? If they would be opposed to the idea, then you have your answer as to why your gf is balking.

I highly doubt the cheap house is coming with absolutely no strings attached, and my guess is gf knows it while trying to be gracious about your parents' motives. I also get why you don't want to pass up the deal, so I'm going with NAH.

Independent_Prior_612 wrote:

In one of your replies you said you’ll most likely be getting married in the next couple years. Which means you’re not even engaged yet.

Don’t buy a home with someone you’re not married to.

Technically my husband and I closed on our house six weeks before the wedding, but that’s the closest to unmarried I would ever recommend being when you purchase a home. Apart from that, buying a home is a Two Yesses Decision. If there’s one No, the answer is No. You need to decide whether you can accept her saying no without resenting her for it.

Overall-Hour-5809 wrote:

The problem would be managing the family relationships with the house. Would family members feel they could visit or stay simply because it’s the family home…not yours and your wife’s home!

Would your family feel a sense of ownership even though it’s not theirs? Would there be pushback if they don’t like your wife’s ideas? It’s not only about the money. Can your wife actually create a home in this house? YTA.

JohnnyFootballStar wrote:

NAH. You both have valid perspectives. Someone who looks at this purely from a financial angle will never see the emotional side. Someone who believes this house will always be more yours than hers will not care how good of an investment it is because they will never feel truly at home.

Your family should just sell it at market rate and gift you $100,000 for a downpayment on something you both will like. At least in the US there are likely no tax issues unless your family has been gifting millions of dollars. (Also, I do see that you’re not even married so honestly this isn’t a joint venture regardless, but I’m pretending it is.)