"WIBTA for putting a camera in the kitchen without telling my husband?"

So some strange things have been happening. My husband is complaining about me forgetting things, like loading the dishwasher and not switching it on, or leaving the stove or oven on after cooking, or not putting things back in the fridge. Things I’m 95% sure I remembered to do.

I’ll switch on the boiler (AKA water heater for US readers) for a hot bath, and an hour later it will be off. My husband says he didn’t touch it. Then this morning, I came to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush already had toothpaste on it. Wtf? Did I come earlier? Did I not brush my teeth last night? That's just plain weird.

Now I might be in denial, or have paranoia as an exciting extra, or I just read too much online, but it occurs to me this could also be gaslighting in the old-fashioned sense. I have no reason to suspect my husband of doing anything like that, but like affairs, that's what everyone thinks, isn't it?

So I would like to install a camera to reassure myself that it’s really me doing these things. Obviously, I can’t get permission from my husband without defeating the whole purpose, but I don’t want to damage my relationship in the (much more likely) case that all this has nothing to do with him. WIBTA for temporarily invading his privacy to make myself feel better?

What do you think? WIBTA? And any theories about what's going on here? This is what top commenters had to say:

scienceizfake said:

Before you do something so intrusive, check your carbon monoxide detectors.

AdditionalFondant304 said:

If my other half was suddenly forgetting things like this and I knew that I wasn't actively trying to drive them crazy, I would definitely insist on seeing a doctor. I understand the people on the fence here, but from what OP says, she's not doing this maliciously. She's not trying to spy on him necessarily.

She's trying to find out if she's really forgetting these things or if he's pulling some weird gaslighting stuff on her out of nowhere. I would think that she could have the cameras up for a week or 2 and figure it out pretty quickly. Hide the cameras very well, and best of luck! NTA

Rowan6547 said:

OP - do you have a carbon monoxide detector? If not, get one ASAP as confusion is a symptom - occasionally people who believe they have a haunted house find that the haunting "goes away" after carbon monoxide issues are fixed, plus it can be fatal.

I've seen the original 1944 movie Gaslight, and it's a pretty damning statement about your relationship if you suspect that's what your husband is doing, and presumably there are other red flags in your relationship. If you don't trust your husband, then cameras aren't unreasonable, but secret recording is going to have relationship consequences regardless of the outcome.

After reading the comments, she shared this update to her post:

EDIT: It seems like step 1 needs to be checking for carbon monoxide. I'll postpone any other decisions until that's been checked. Thank you everyone for your comments and concern! For those concerned for imminent problems while I get that checked, thank you, but if it's a problem at all, it could only be in very low doses.

This has been a mild problem for months rather than an acute problem in the last few days, I'm not showing any other symptoms, husband isn't showing any signs at all, we do have a ceiling mounted detector that hasn't sounded any alarm, and besides, my bedroom is upstairs.

She then shared this first update on the situation:

The CO detector is showing 0 ppm, so not the problem. Along the way, I have also learnt:

1.) CO is not heavier than air (that's CO2) and the detector can be put pretty much anywhere away from air flow or steam sources.

2.) Memory loss of this type is not a typical symptom anyway. The symptoms to watch out for are headaches, dizziness, drowsiness and nausea.

Taking everyone's advice: I've applied for an appointment with my GP.I will look into getting a vlogger-style body cam to video myself when I am alone. If it shows me forgetting, that will be helpful in diagnosing how I'm forgetting. If it doesn't, I can look into further steps.

(Quick edit to add:) We're both mid-forties, so unlikely but not impossible to be dementia. My periods are extremely regular, so unlikely to be perimenopausal, but I'll check that with my GP.

Thank you everyone for your care, concern, and advice. I am overwhelmed by how helpful everyone is being. For all of you who have shared your own stories of gaslighting, my heart goes out to you. I hope you are doing well now!

Second update:

No carbon monoxide, no ghosts, no-one else living in the house (I could only wish my house was big enough or soundproof enough for that to be possible!), no gas-lighting, and probably no serious illness either.

The camera itself was a complete failure. Between how infrequently the issues happen, me trying to be discrete, and me just forgetting to use it (yes, I’m aware of the irony), I have not yet managed to capture any of my forgetting instances. However, when I came to take my medication one day, I saw I hadn’t taken it the day before.

I remember silencing the alarm I have for taking it, I remember going in with the intention of taking it, but no memory after that. It was too much to think my husband was somehow getting hold of another pack of my prescription medication to set this up, so it had to be me forgetting.

But the comments here made me realise why I was entertaining the thought at all – my husband was not reacting with what I considered the appropriate level of concern. In fact, he was actively downplaying everything. So, I sat down with him to discuss it.

Apparently, from his point of view, nothing has changed in what I’m doing, just in how I’m reacting to it. He says I’ve always been absent-minded (he says it’s a personality trait, not a symptom), but in the past I’d be “Oh did I? Sorry,” and now I’m “I don’t remember that. There must be something wrong!”

He knows that I’m already being treated for depression / anxiety, so he thought the best thing to do was try to calm me down. He didn’t realise it was having the opposite effect. He’s willing to support me in anything I want to do, but it’s clear he’s convinced it’s nothing to worry about. His certainty rocked my certainty.

And… my doctor agrees with him. The doctor is arranging for blood tests to make sure, but he says he expects the problems will largely clear up when I’m a little further into my course (sertraline, for the curious). We’ll see, but "probably nothing to worry about."

Thank you to everyone for your concern and suggestions, and the YTA did help me back off before taking a step that could have damaged my relationship forever. I am grateful for having a place I could talk this out when I had no one else I felt I could speak to. Your help has meant the world to me.

Edit to clarify: The camera mentioned here is a small, portable camera I've been carrying with me and recording myself with. I did not film my husband at any point.