"AITA for inviting my ex to my graduation?"
Hey there, my current situation got a bit complicated but I really can't see if I did anything wrong that's why I want to ask here. I 28F married my ex husband (we'll call him Elias) 28M straight out of high school after dating for 4 years.
OIur families didn't have much money and college for both of us was impossible so we talked about it and decided that one of us would attend first we literally flipped a coin and he was the one to attend college first, we made a contract I wrote on a paper because we didn't even had a printer back then that said that even if we end up divorcing the pact of helping me to attend college stands.
He attended college locally and both sets of parents helped with tuitions, books, etc while I work to support our household. He graduate and a year later life got in our way when he started working and I was preparing to enter college.
After another year he told me he started to fall in love with a coworker (we'll call her Lorna) but he respects me and love me enough not to do anything but maybe we got married to young without really thinking it through.
We talked a lot and although I still loved him it was true that we hurried into marriage and with how busy we both were it was obvious we wouldn't make it work for much longer so we decided to part amicably.
He said not to worry about anything because our agreement still stands, both sets of parents helped me with my tuitions and stuff and he rent me an apartment near college and gave me money for utilities, groceries, so I didn't need to work.
Well fast forward to this year and I graduated. Elias moved far for work and is now engaged to Lorna. I also attended college locally so I still visit his parents and help around with chores or just keeping them company.
I have the date for my graduation and they gave me 4 tickets but one of my classmates asked if I wanted hers too because she's only inviting her parents and I was actually thinking about inviting Elias so I said yes.
I called him the next day and I told him I had extra tickets if he would like to attend with his fiancee he was actually excited about it and said of course he would and to tell him the date so he can request time off to come, we chatted for like 45 minutes and he also told me not to worry about the apartment because he'll continue paying until I get a job, I thanked him and we hang up.
Well my graduation ceremony was last week, it was very nice and all my love ones were there with me, after the ceremony my ex in-laws told me they made a reservation in a restaurant to continue the celebration.
At dinner my ex in-laws gave me a gift, and they said in their hearts I would always be their daughter. My parents gave a present and a speech as well and then Marco gave a little box and inside it was a cute necklace with a pendant of my initial and a little dragonfly.
He said he had it custom made I was really touched by everyone so I got up and gave everyone a hug and when I got to Lorna I said I would but only if you want it she laughed and said oh no I think I'm okay, then I got to Elias and we hugged, he said "I'm really proud of you cricket" and we laugh (he used to call me cricket because he said I never shut up).
Everybody went home shortly after and I'm pretty sure Elias and Lorna went back to their city the thing is since Tuesday I've been receiving a ton of DMs and text messages telling me I'm a homewrecker and I should take a hint and if the man moved on why can't I and that I'm obviously still obsessed with him because I've been single since the divorce and leeching out of his kindness,.
So clearly someone wasn't happy with our agreement nor the reunion for my graduation, I don't know if these are all fake accounts from Lorna or if is Lorna and her friends or just her friends taking matter into their own hands but is freaking me out because they are basically calling me every name on the book.
I talk to my parents about it and they want me to tell Elias parents to put a end to it but I have the feeling that would only worsen everything. I really moved on I think of Elias as my oldest friend now and the reason I was single all this time is because my courses were really hard for me and I didn't have time or energy.
I also wanted to give me the time to experience single life and living alone because I moved from my parents home and in with Elias so I really wanted to be just me and get to know who I am outside of married at 18.
I'm thinking of just changing my phone number and don't give it to Elias but at the same time I still don't have a job and he is paying for everything and it feels bad icing him out, but was I really the AH for inviting him?
I never thought it could be disrespectful to Lorna but maybe it is? I'm really confused because I wasn't expecting such bad reaction for a simple invitation Sorry for the long post I tried to shorten it as much as I could but I think all this context matters.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. You, and both of your families, supported Elias through four years of college. He is honoring your deal. Lorna might feel awkward because she was the other woman and is lashing out.
Lorna is projecting. Homewrecker? She must have been looking in the mirror when she said it. She needs to see the respect people, not ex's have for each other.
NTA - y’all kept up the agreement. You supported him through school, so he supported you through school. I really don’t see anything wrong with that.
NTA. The two of you are behaving like adults. You both kept your agreement. Your invite was a thank you and an acknowledgment that you could not have done this without his help.
Here's the kicker: Lorna's life would not be where it is if not for you! You helped him get to a solid financial state and she benefits from your hard work and contribution. But he realizes that so he wants to do the same for you that you did for him. That's what grown ups do.
She needs to learn how to be an adult and recognize that you two are true friends and adults. Essentially, she feels that he should have used you for your support and then ditched you.
This is a her issue so just block her. Congratulations! And congratulations on your friendship! You need to tell him about the messages. She’s not being fair to you, when the both of you were just following the agreement you made when you put him through school.
Twelve days later, the OP returned with an update.
i didn't expect to have an update so soon but a lot of things happen so I might as well update. I'll do my best to keep everything as chronological as possible.
The next morning after I posted I texted Elias, I didn't want to bother his parents with petty drama specially because I wasn't 100% sure Lorna was the one behind all of it.
So I told Elias I didn't want to make a big fuss over it but after they left I've been receiving pretty offensive texts with a clear message so it couldn't be someone who didn't know about our agreement.
He immediately asked me to sent him the messenges and the phone numbers, after 30 minutes or so he called and apologized, he said that one of the phone numbers was indeed Lorna's and the other were her mom's and her sister's but he didn't recognize the others. He once again apologized and told me he'd handle it and I just left it at that.
after a couple of hours I received a new message in WhatsApp from a unknown number asking me if I was happy meddling in another relationship and telling on her, that I tried to ruined her relationship and stuff I sent it to Elias and blocked the number.
I didn't hear anything from anyone until two days ago when I went to pick up Elias parents to take them to the mall and I found him there, I was confused and asked him what happened and he told me we'll talk later.
He offered to take his parents instead of me but they refused telling him we already scheduled or date and he wasn't invited. Yesterday Elias asked if we could talk and I said yes, we met at a cafe near my apartment, he wanted to talk in my home but I declined because I don't think it would be appropriate.
We met and he said he has something to tell me about him and Lorna, I told him it wasn't really necessary because that's between the both of them and he told me he broke up with her.
I was a little shocked but also curious so I asked if it was about the messages because although I found it annoying and disrespectful it wasn't enough for him to break up his relationship he said not really but it was his last straw.
He said he wanted to move back for ages to take care of his parents but Lorna refused because I was always there and she said the only way to move here with him was if he told me to back off but he couldn't do it because he knew his parents wouldn't allow it.
He then said they were having a lot of problems actually because she apparently was always bad mouthing me and checking my social media even when he told her to stop.
I told him he didn't need to tell me anything and he got quiet for a long moment then he said "I'm so sorry" I told him it wasn't really his fault and he said he was sorry for our divorce.
He said his relationship with Lorna wasn't working for a long time maybe even from the beginning but he refused to break up with her because he said he felt he had to proof something.
Like he had to stay in that relationship or else our divorce would've been for nothing. He said he was sorry he was too weak to fight for us and that he got scared because all of his friends were living the single dream life and he got jealous.
He said he broke up with Lorna because he wasn't even sure if he actually love her but after my graduation they went home and she complained the whole trip and then out of frustration when she got home she tried to break a little dragonfly figurine I made for Elias on our first anniversary.
I didn't even know he still had it, he said he got so mad and realized he had to end it because at that point they were just ruining each other's lives. I didn't know what to say so I just patted his had and asked him about his job.
He said he quiet but his supervisor told him to think about it and gave him vacation time for 2 or 3 weeks, so he's spending the holidays here. I told him not to think too much about the past and to just move forward because what else do you answer to that?
Anyway, our parents apparently already made a whole arrangement to spend Christmas together even my sister is coming from another city so that's nice but also it gave me some anxiety and I think that's all.
I don't think nothing significant is going to happen after this but I'll update again if something changes. happy holidays and thank you for all the support and the advice I received here.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He left you for her, and now he left her for you. And he's trying to get back with you. Expect some kind of a move from him during the holidays. I'm not saying you should get back with him, just be prepared.
Alternative_Place919 (OP)
Tbh I feel like he needs to be single for a long time before entering another relationship maybe even therapy or something like that.
He made a mistake by getting with Lorna. I am glad he escaped her clutches. Their relationship would only get worse and worse. Update us if something big happens!