"AITA for inviting my ex to Thanksgiving?"
I share 2 kids, plus my first son, with my ex .He has been there for my oldest since he was 1, he is all he knows, and is still there for him. He is still an active dad for him and his bio children too.
He isn’t perfect. He, like me, has a “dysfunctional” family, full of problems and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I adore him as a person and as a friend, but there’s no interest otherwise. We make a great co parenting duo. Where I slack he strives and vice versa.
Anyway- as I said our families are dysfunctional. We have always vowed that we would NEVER be like our parents, or give them an unhealthy upbringing even if it meant we swallowed our pride at times.
This year, I went to my fiancés brother’s Halloween party, and allowed my kids to make the choice on if they wanted to come with me, or go trick or treating. Like most kids would, my children chose candy.
My parents said they would take them trick or treating, since she and my dad are home passing out candy anyway, and it was so big deal. (Side note, my mom and step dad /“dad” are my ONLY stable family, and became his too. He can still call my mom with stuff and I stay out of it because I know I’m lucky to at least have her, and honestly I’m gratfeul he can call our sons grandma with stuff.)
My ex, wanted to stop by and see the boys at my parents. Again, I wasn’t there, but they know he doesn’t have anywhere to go usually. Wasn’t a big deal, but my fiancé was annoyed.
Which I do understand from his point of view. I’d probably be upset if his ex was at his parents and not me, but the difference is, we were welcome to come first, and I think my kids deserved to have a parent there.
Anyway- now it’s about to be Thanksgiving. My fiancé won’t be there( work) , and no plans on his end I’m aware of. I usually go to my bio dad’s side, but without going into too much detail, I will no longer be going there.
It’s already a hard year for me because of that. My mom also doesn’t have a lot of family and after talking, we decided we want to break the “cycle”. We will have something small every year for my kids there with us, so that they have something surrounded by love.
My fiancé, made no attempt to make sure I had somewhere to go. At all. Didn’t ask about it, only informed me he wouldn’t be off when I asked. My son’s father, has no where to go.
Again, I’m lucky enough to have my mom and step father, he has no one. Would I be the AH for allowing him to pop in and see our boys on Thanksgiving, beings as I will have them every year for the foreseeable future as he has no where to go.
Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d rather suck it up and my boys see that no matter what, we were there for them. And I know he can’t provide that, but I don’t want him to be any less included as a father because he doesn’t have that. Am I the AH for allowing him, who like me has no where to go, to come to my family's small Thanksgiving, for our children?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
There’s nothing better for kids to see than their parents getting along. This is especially true when the parents are no longer together.
NTA. Are you asking permission from random strangers before you tell your fiancé? You don’t need a green light from us to decide how best to parent, there’s nothing wrong with your reasoning and you don’t need to work so hard to justify it to anyone, including your fiancé. This is how you find out if the relationship will work or not, by sticking to the non-negotiable boundaries and seeing how someone responds.
I agree. OP is doing the best thing for her kids, both by being on good terms with their dad and allowing him to have access to a stable elder relative (her mom). Her kids well being and the family dynamic she wants is her #1 priority and needs to be non-negotiable. Either fiancé learns to be comfortable with this dynamic or he isn’t the right guy to marry.
I’m also concerned if he is a child-oriented person. You two chose an adult party over trick or treating with your kids and he has shown no interest in Thanksgiving, which is typically a family gathering. Is he looking to just be your husband and deal with kids living with him when he has to, or does he usually show interest in them?
NTA Your fiance needs to be secure enough to let this become the norm for your kids. You are setting a fab example of compassion and compromise to your kids. If he feels threatened thats on him and his insecurities not you.
NTA. At all. My husband's parents were divorced when he was a teenager, when I met him years later, they were able to spend all holidays together with their kids, grandkids, and mother's new husband. I never saw such a healthy coparenting relationship. It is healthy for the kids to all get along.
My question to you is, why are you engaged to someone who doesn't care if you have somewhere to spend Thanksgiving or not? Do you really want to marry someone that has a problem with the father if your children being with them on holidays?
It is kind to care about the mental well-being of the father of your children for your children, especially around the holidays. Ex having a continuing relationship with your parents, when he has no one else, is going to benefit your children. You really need to explore why fiancé has such a problem with this, because the father of your children will be in your life for the rest of your life.
He should understand you need to do what is in the best interest of your children, and as your fiancé, be proud of you for being mature enough to do this for your kids. Please go to premarital counseling and make sure fiancé isn't going to make this a problem going forward.