'AITA for inviting my nephew to my wedding despite his estrangement from my brother?'
"AITA for inviting my nephew to my wedding despite his estrangement from my brother?"
I (33M) am marrying my fiancé (37M) this winter. We’re putting together the guest list to send the invitations out and have run into an issue over my nephew and my brother. My brother (38M) was 18 when his girlfriend told him she was pregnant.
They ended up moving in together and my brother decided to go to find work as a mechanic rather than go to college as he’d planned. My nephew was born a little while later. They got married when she told him she was pregnant with their second kid (15F) and then had two more, both 10M.
Ever since my nephew was born he’s been literally one of my favourite people. I babysat him plenty of times, same with my other niblings, and have spent my twenties as their guncle. My brother and me were close as kids and I’ve been close with his kids as well.
Five years ago my brother found out my nephew wasn't his and his now ex wife had been sleeping with someone else at the time and had suspected my oldest nephew wasn’t my brother’s since he was a little kid.
They ended up getting a divorce and my brother didn’t seek custody of my oldest nephew and said he didn’t want to see him. He told me that he needed time to process and would try to patch things up later. That idea was kind of ruined when my nephew turned up at my brother’s apartment begging to talk. It turned into an argument between them.
For context, our father had just passed a couple of months earlier. During the argument my nephew said something along the lines of “No wonder mom fucked somebody else. I bet grandpa hated you.”
My brother cut things off then and there and has refused to see my nephew since. I stepped in as the main male figure in my nephew’s life, much as I dislike my ex-SIL. I even took him out for his 18th birthday and took him looking at universities and he now goes to my alma mater.
I asked my brother how he wants to handle the seating situation if they don't want to be close together. My brother was angry I’d even invite my nephew after everything that happened. He said it’d be like inviting my ex-SIL, “he’s not family, he’s just the prick who disrespected our dad.”
I said he’s being petty and childish taking the words of a scared and angry 14-year-old so personally. He was a kid who said something bad because his entire world was falling apart and the person he’d relied on for his whole life was suddenly pulling away...
And instead of being understanding and doing family therapy or something like a grownup, my brother decided to give adult weight to a teenager’s words and cut him off completely.
My nephew has said he’s okay with not going if it’s causing an issue, but I told him not to be ridiculous: he’s important to me and I want him there for when I marry my person. I told him he shouldn't let my brother's inability to let go be his problem. My fiance agrees with me. My mom and sister both say I need to see it from my brother’s perspective. I think he’s just being petty. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Shmoopy37 said:
Your brother is allowed to set boundaries “I won’t be at your wedding if the kid is there because of my mental health” and you’re allowed to say “ok." Someone’s boundaries are their own. If they try to manipulate or change you or your choices to enforce their boundaries, that crosses the line into controlling. NTA.
Anonymotron42 said:
NTA by a long shot. It's not your nephew's fault that he's an affair child, and he certainly needs support right now. Your brother can absolutely feel betrayed, and can be hurt by your nephew's comment, but this isn't about his feelings. Your nephew's life fell apart as much as your brother's did, and you're trying to be the best help you can be.
kinoki44 said:
NTA. However, you don't get to say how your brother should feel. What your brother should do. Does him deciding not to be a part of your nephew's life suck? Yes. It is his choice though.
He was 18 and his ex derailed his whole life with a lie. All his plans had to change because he was now responsible for a child. He sacrificed what he wanted his future to be for a child only for it to not even be his. Until you experience this you can't say he should be over it. Everytime he sees your "nephew" it is a reminder and some people can't get over that kind of hurt and betrayal.
1962Michael said:
NTA. AS ALWAYS, you invite who you want and let them accept or decline. If you want your nephew there, invite him. If your brother is going to boycott your wedding because of that, it's his choice. Always assume everyone can get along for the sake of YOUR wedding (or other event.)
The person asking you NOT to invite someone is almost always the one holding on to a grudge, and trying to force you to pick sides. You don't have to pick sides. They can either "play nice" for one day or they can stay home.
As for the seating arrangements, it's clear your brother doesn't consider this person to be "family." So you would seat the nephew at the "fun younger people" table. Unless your brother declines, then you can decide to seat nephew with family if that's what you think everyone would prefer.
DaxxyDreams said:
You are allowed to invite who you want to your wedding. Just recognize you will be facing repercussions either way. You will destroy your relationship with someone or several someone’s. If for example, you destroy your relationship with your brother, will you be destroying your relationship with his other children? Will you be able to live with that? NAH.
ConnectionRound3141 said:
NTA. But I don’t get the sense that you really understand your brothers pain. It’s not about a fight. It’s about having your reality, your family, pulled right out from under you. He’s not dealing with it well and needs professional help.