'Is it worth it to try to work things out with my BF who is jealous of my stepbrother?' MAJOR UPDATE

"Is it worth it to try to work things out with my boyfriend, who is jealous of my stepbrother?"

My boyfriend [19M] and I [19F] have been dating for just over a year. We’re both in university, and currently taking online classes due to the lockdown. When they announced the transition to online classes I decided to move back to my mom’s, about an hour and a half away.

My town is a bit of a student town, there aren’t many grocery delivery services and I don’t drive. I didn’t want to rely on the reduced bus service. My BF tried to convince me to move in with him, but I refused because I didn’t like the idea of being an illegal tenant in a house with 4 guys and one bathroom. My BF was not happy with this.

I’ve been back for 3 weeks and things have been tense, especially surrounding my stepbrother [22M]. My mom remarried when I was 15 and she moved her new husband and his son in. I’ve known stepbrother (SB) for 5 years and our relationship was always friendly but distant. He’s lived at home the entire time, and worked as a bartender prior to the quarantine.

Ever since I moved back, BF has been on my case about spending too much time with SB. He gets really upset because we “drive around aimlessly” every day (I’m on a learners permit, and SB is helping me practice while the streets are empty) and the fact that we hang out and watch stuff together.

Heather weather was nice this week, and SB and I decided to eat our lunches in the backyard, picnic style. BF freaked out when he realized, accused me of going on “quarantine dates” behind his back. I didn’t even tell him this, I guess he stalked SB’s Instagram story. And it wasn’t a date, we are going into week 5 of quarantine, bored out of our minds and doing anything possible for a slight change of pace.

BF called me yesterday and told me that he was unhappy, felt disrespected and that I needed to make a change to keep the relationship. He told me that SB and I are not like regular siblings, we didn’t grow up together and so he’s afraid things will escalate between us.

I think this is gross, SB is not someone I would ever consider dating and I’m certain he feels the same. BF told me that I would need to stop hanging out with SB and spend more time FaceTiming and texting. Currently we FaceTime every day, minimum 1 hour, but he said his ideal would be 3 to 4 hours.

I think this is crazy, and part of me wants to tell him to shove it. But we had a great relationship before this and another part of me wants to fight and save it. I know my BF and I’m fairly sure he is acting like this because he’s still upset that I didn’t move in with him. But it’s going on week 4 and I’m not sure how much more I can handle. What should I do?

TL;DR: moved back home for the lockdown and my boyfriend is acting possessive and jealous over me spending time with my stepbrother.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

SingleWar5 wrote:

Dude you’re finally seeing who your boyfriend really is. He wanted you to live with him so he could monitor you.

OP responded:

I didn’t even consider this but you may be right. When we’ve fought about this, he has alluded to feeling like the situation was out of his control.

facinationstreet wrote:

Well, he made it easy for you to see that he is an immature person who is jealous and controlling. Yes, tell him to shove it because he will NEVER shut up about this. He is going to be jealous of your SB forever. SB isn't going anywhere so imagine listening to this crap for years to come. No.

OP responded:

As stupid as this sounds, I didn’t even consider the fact that he will always be like this. So far, the thing keeping me from ending it is the idea that quarantine is temporary and we will go back to normal when this is done. But you’re right, there’s no guarantee he won’t be jealous after the fact.

caecilianworm wrote:

FaceTiming for 3-4 hours a day???? That’s a part time job. That’s completely unreasonable. Your boyfriend sounds exhausting. It seems like he thinks your job is to constantly pander to his insecurities. In my experience, you can’t reason with someone who is this jealous and controlling.

They either learn their lesson after they’ve been dumped a few times and mature a little, or they just never get better. You don’t have some kind of duty to teach him to be a mature and trusting partner, if that’s what you’re asking. You never need a reason to break up with someone.

OP responded:

Thank you. This resonated with me, especially about not having to teach him to be a normal boyfriend.

A few days later, OP shared an update.

After I posted, I took some time to read the comments and form a plan. I texted BF, telling him essentially that I needed a bit of space to take a breather and reevaluate. I made it clear that I didn’t want to break up, but felt like I was always being monitored and I wanted to make a game plan to have healthy communication through this pandemic.

He called me super upset and accused me of choosing SB over him. I told him that it wasn’t about SB, it’s not like I chose SB, he’s literally just someone I get along with who I can hang out with during the pandemic.

I explained to him that it was not like I was spending every waking moment with him, I do my homework in the morning, we hang out in the afternoon, and my evening time is divided between the 4 of us (mom, stepdad, SB) and FaceTiming BF. BF then accused me of doing special, “boyfriend” activities with SB. He told me that it was always his dream to teach me to drive (he doesn’t even have his permit.

Am I supposed to wait around for him to get it?). Also apparently me teaching SB how to bake bread? Which is stupid because I was going to make the bread to begin with, and SB “helped” by moving the heavy mixer, eating half the almond slices, and taking pictures for Instagram.

He also screamed at me for not moving in, saying how all this would have been prevented if we were living together. I told him that I have no interest in living somewhere that I’m not allowed to be. I can’t afford a fine from bylaw, and if I were to get kicked out, it would be more difficult to find my way home since I don’t drive.

In the end, I told BF that I would not give up my relationship with SB, who is part of my family and a genuinely nice guy, to ease my BFs insecurities and cater to his demands. I told BF that I needed time to cool down, and that I’d talk to him in a few days.

That was all on Friday, and today I reached out to see how he was. He was still pissed at me and accusatory, so I basically told him that this wasn’t working and I want to break up. I did it over text and then blocked him, which probably makes me an AH, but I literally couldn’t deal with anymore of him yelling at me and insulting my family.

Anyway thanks to everyone who commented. I’m really sad this is the outcome and I’ve been crying a lot, but I’m also kind of relieved.

TLDR: we broke up because he couldn’t see how controlling he was being.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Antichrust wrote:

Good call. Your gut led you on this one. This sort of behavior would have found its way to something else, if you chose to dismiss it.

Sounds like some real LDE, though.

Potatothepotato wrote:

Awesome job! You definitely made the right move here. It might be hard but he has sooo much growing up to do if he EVER wants to be in a relationship. And I just mean in general, I'm definitely not advocating you wait around for him. You deserve better!

ham_tornado wrote:

Good for you OP!

This guy's got some control issues, does he for real think you can only bake bread with him because it's a "boyfriend" activity? What about making eggs? Too brunchy/morning after for him? Goddamn, you couldn't exist around your family if he had his way

cpx284 wrote:

The fact that he screamed at you is a huge red flag. I would have serious reservations in moving forward with this boy. He feels threatened by your family for no apparent reason and him being possessive and wanting you to move in is a classic controller move.