"AITA: Is this a boundary overstep or generosity?"
My (32f) mother in law (70f) came into town a week ago, visiting from NY.
On Monday night, I send a text message to MIL and husband around 12pm that the groceries for the week will be delivered between 4-6pm.
I always meal plan, have the ingredients delivered, and cook fresh meals for our family which includes two toddlers (2 and 4). MIL helps unload all the groceries and says "I wish I had known you were ordering groceries so I could have told you what to buy so I can make a meal!" I say no worries, I don't mind cooking.
On Tuesday, I am remote and MIL tells me that she is going shopping at Costco. She arrives back home 3 hours later with three huge boxes of food, mostly pre-made meals and HUGE boxes of frozen foods that will NEVER fit in our freezer. She also bought a rotisserie chicken for our dog?
I am a FT WM, my husband works a side hustle on weekends lately. She shows me the amount of food she bought ready to eat (ungodly amount) and all I can manage to say at the time is I don't think this is going to fit. I just bought 6lbs of meat for the week. I do not have room to store the meat I just bought or the new frozen goods in our little freezer - it's full.
Again, I pre-planned and purchased all the groceries for the week (~$250) as I normally do. I pickup the kids and return to the house and she says "Well, do you think I got too much?" at which point I tell her I was surprised she bought all this food since I just shopped the day before, in a kind way.
She responds "You really like cooking don't you!?" I say, "yes, and I just wish we had a conversation before you purchased all this food since I already shopped and now I'll need to figure out freezing the food." She asks "what food!?"
She says "If someone had done this for me when I was younger, I would have been so HAPPY!!" Then says "I just thought it would be easier for you to not have to cook every night!" and I said "yes, that would be nice, but I am concerned about the amount of food." She goes to a more aggressive "I can go return it if you want me to!" to "I'll give it to my brother!!"
I reassure her that we can work it out, but I only wished there had been a small conversation, and that next time we can plan the meals together. She looked stunned and pissed at that comment. My kids don't eat the food and I go to my room after bedtime and have a good cry (hormonal) and she goes to bed.
The next morning, I apologize to her, trying to smooth things over. I tell her I am thankful for the things she bought and followed up that it was just a communication issue. She said "I was thinking I can't come out here again!" and later told my husband the next time she comes out it will be at a hotel and only with her significant other.
Today (Wednesday) she tells Husband she is now going to another city to visit her brother for two days. I'm assuming she is doing this to send me a message. She has a strong history of poor relationships, even her own family.
AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Healthy-Detective326 wrote:
“I just bought 60 lbs of meat for the week.”
Please tell me this is a typo.
OP responded:
Lol! I meant 6!
Winter_Nectarine_497 wrote:
We've known for a while now that help feels best when it actually lands like help. "What do you need?" "Can I take any tasks off your plate?" "What would be the best way I can support you this week without stepping on your toes?"
It is not your fault OP that her version of "help" caused you more stress and frustration than necessary. What makes it worse is her petulant behaviour afterwards. MIL doesn't understand boundaries and withdraws when she doesn't get the praise she wants.
This is emotionally immature behaviour.
NTA - time to have a talk w your husband about how to uphold good boundaries for yourselves around spending time w her so it doesn't have to end like this.
Elegant_Bluebird_460 wrote:
NTA. She over stepped. It isn't crossing over boundaries per se- you have to state boundaries like this first in order for someone to cross it. But it was definitely overstepping her role as a guest in your home.
She sounds very dramatic. What did she expect? She bought more food than can be stored and then makes that your problem somehow. She may have meant well, but she needs to learn that her desires are not something she gets to impart on others.
Curiosity60 wrote:
NTA. This is the unwanted gift manipulation. The manipulator does only and exactly what they want to do. The target is made to feel obligated to do what they don't want to do.
To act appreciative of a burden added because "they meant well," "they spent so much money or effort," "you really SHOULD like (this thing you don't want or like)." It is a boundary violation. MIL is trying to make you change the way you feed your family.
Despite having no where to store her groceries and no intention of replacing your cooking routines with her "ready made" alternatives, she dumped a huge amount of food onto YOU to figure out what to do with it. You are upset and confused. She's saying it's well intentioned on the surface. And that being rebuffed "means she can't visit any more."
Her turning the focus onto blaming you for your overwhelmed reaction worked. You apologized to her for being upset at her intrusive controlling behavior. For her dumping an impossible chore in your lap to force you to cook more like she does/wants. Have her take her order with her when she leaves. Talk to your husband about setting and maintaining firmer boundaries with his mom.
The healthy response to boundary stompers is FIRMER boundaries, more restricted access to you, your home, details about your life. Your husband needs to tell his mother that she is not to "take over" any household management tasks when visiting unless and until she has gotten permission from you.
unlovelyladybartleby wrote:
I'm guessing she isn't much of a cook and looked at your fridge full of ingredients and didn't see anything that she knew how to make, felt threatened, and over compensated by buying a boatload of processed crap. Then, when you weren't over the top grateful, she felt like you were rejecting her style of meal prep.
None of this excuses her reactions. You are NTA, but if it happens again, calmly invite her to put everything away and suggest a day that she can cook for everyone. Then watch her struggle to fit it all in (but keep the laughter on the inside).
RoyallyOakie wrote:
NTA. She watched you buy food for the week, then bought even more food? It doesn't make much sense. As awkward as it may be, you have to set boundaries. This seems like more of a power struggle on her part than a nice gesture.