'I've been with my wife 5 years. I don't know whether we're having normal marriage conflict.'

"I (34 M) have been with my wife (34 F) for 5 years total but married for 2 and half. I’m struggling to understand whether what I’m experiencing is normal marriage conflict or something more serious, and I’m hoping for outside perspective. Can you offer any advice?"

My wife can be very kind, loving, and supportive at times. She financially supports us while I’m in nursing school, shows affection, and there are genuinely good moments in our relationship.

I love her deeply and want her to be happy and okay no matter what happens. That said, there’s a recurring pattern that’s taking a toll on my mental health. One of the main issues my wife brings up is that I don’t always get things done around the house when she asks, or I don’t do them quickly enough.

I’ll be honest: I do struggle with follow-through and timing sometimes, especially when I’m tired, sick, or overwhelmed. I do help with chores regularly (trash, laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc.), but she says it doesn’t count if she has to ask, if it takes too long, or if I mention what I’ve done because she sees that as “seeking credit.”

Even when I intentionally try to do more, she often responds with things like “That’s all you did?” or implies it should have taken much less time.

She tells me that her anger and frequent outbursts are because I don’t listen or don’t do things when she wants them done.

When my wife gets angry, her anger often escalates quickly into yelling, cursing, insults, and sometimes threats. During these moments I become very quiet and start shaking. I feel scared. Recently, when she saw me shaking and I told her I was scared, she mocked me and used the “b-word” while telling me to go upstairs. That moment really shook me.

She has also said “f you” to me multiple times during arguments, mocked me for chewing loudly, told me “what are you complaininging about now,” and blamed me for being sick and exhausted after we had people over (even though she encouraged me to invite them).

We also have 2 dogs, and one of them is extremely important to me (both are, but one has been with me for 11 years) There have been multiple instances where my wife hit him out of anger when he was being vocal or in the way.

One time she hit him on the head and afterward his eye kept blinking and had yellow discharge for a day or so. Her immediate response was “he’s fine.” More recently, she hit him on the snout and when I calmly said she didn’t need to hit him, she responded, “I can do whatever the hell I want.”

This has made me very concerned about safety and gentleness under stress. She strongly wants children soon. I feel scared when I imagine bringing kids into our current dynamic and have expressed that I don’t feel ready. She says I’m making excuses, that I’m depriving her of what she wants, and that if I can’t give her kids she’ll leave.

She has recently said she wants a divorce and that she “wasted five years” of her life with me. I’ve suggested couples counseling multiple times. She refuses, saying the only problem is me not listening or getting things done, and that there’s no point paying a counselor to tell me to do chores.

Recently, she went through my phone without my knowledge and read messages where I had asked her family for advice on how to help her and cope with our situation. She initially said she didn’t read them, then admitted she lied and said she can’t trust me. She asked me not to tell her family that she knows I talked to them.

Lately I’ve been feeling disconnected from the world, numb, anxious, and possibly depressed. I feel scared during conflicts, guilty most of the time, and unsure of my own perceptions. At the same time, I remember the good moments and feel conflicted about leaving because I don’t want to hurt her.

I’m not trying to paint my wife as a villain. I know I’m not perfect and I’m willing to work on myself. I just don’t feel emotionally safe anymore and I’m struggling to tell what’s normal vs not. She says she wants a divorce and then she takes it back.

Any thoughtful advice is appreciated.

Edit: I feel like I should also add that she isn’t mean to all animals. We have a 1 year old puppy who she treats very well and spoils. Also, I have gently mentioned therapy to her (I say this as someone who has experienced significant help in life with therapy) and she said she doesn’t ever want to go to therapy because she feels like she’s not enough or there’s something wrong with her.

Edit: I’d also like to add that I’ve talked to her family and they all said she’s been like this her whole life and she doesn’t want to do anything to change it. She was forced therapy and medication for a little bit in her teenage years and has sworn it off for the rest of her life.​​​​​​

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Warm_Sandwich5038 wrote:

I hope she gets hold of your phone and reads the 20k responses you’re about to get about how quickly you need to divorce her.

OP responded:

Well she has checked my phone before without me knowing. She checked my messages and saw that I was asking her family on advice on how to help her or deal with her. She got upset.

WampaCat wrote:

Leave. Now. It doesn’t matter if she’s nice to one dog and hits another, it’s not like being nice to one somehow cancels out that she injured your beloved dog. I’m honestly shocked that wasn’t the line for you. If that’s not a reason for you to see you med to leave I can’t imagine what would. Like I’m starting to wonder if this is rage bait.

What would she do or say to you if you hit her puppy? People who are cruel to animals are absolute monsters. Do you know why she hit your dog and not hers? Because it’s your dog. She’s doing it to hurt you. Please get out and take the animals, and if you’re not willing to leave her then please love your dog enough to find a non abusive home for it.

OP responded:

Unfortunately, this is not rage bait. It’s very real and I’m living it. I would never hit the puppy, but if I did my wife would get more angry and upset with me maybe than ever before.

She hit my dog because he snapped at the puppy a little bit right when we got her because she wasn’t respecting his boundaries and space and he’s a senior dog. He didn’t hurt the puppy in any way, but he growled and nipped in her general direction. My wife saw this as aggression and hit him.

jimrandylahey wrote:

A lot of what you described here is pretty much full on emotional abuse. There are no villains and there are no heroes in this world, there are only choices. She is making the choice that she doesn't have any issues to work on herself and that its all you, she sounds HIGHLY narcissistic to be honest.

And those emotions you are feeling are basically the symptoms of being in a relationship with a narcissistic individual. She will only listen to your needs out of technicality, and then will immediate replace any care or listening with her own grievances and reasons that you piss her off or make her unhappy.

Just got out of an 11 year relationship with someone who is a bit narcissistic and I also struggle with my tendencies as well. Trust me when I say: You can make this relationship work at the cost of YOU. You will lose yourself slowly but surely if you stay with this women, sorry bud 🤷‍♂️

enchantedtangerine wrote:

Dude. You must go. If you’re gonna be mean to an animal you’ve got massive issues. That is beyond unforgivable. You’re going to end up divorced and a single parent if you stay with this completely unstable woman. Just save yourself and get out now.

Witty-stock-4913 wrote:

She's mistreating you and your dogs. When you bring a child into this world, she'll hurt the child, too. Here's the thing-I have very very little patience for people who swear to protect a pet or a child and then allow another human to hurt them.

I'm going to back off of that for a minute because you're already traumatized and give some practical advice. First, you need to contact a DA holine. Find a way to do it so she doesn't know you called. Google voice, whatsapp, something that doesn't record the number on your phone bill.

Next, you need to set up an email she doesn't know about and look for lawyers who can offer a free consultation. When you reach out, make it clear you're in an a**sive situation and you need them to not contact you at home. Third, start setting up your escape plan, in a way that allows you to take the dogs. In the meantime, document her hitting them, you'll need it for court.