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'I've been with my husband 20 years. I noticed rubbers missing from his stash. Do I confront him?' UPDATED

'I've been with my husband 20 years. I noticed rubbers missing from his stash. Do I confront him?' UPDATED


If your gut is telling you to investigate, it's best to investigate.

"I (40f), married to my husband (44m) for 20 years, noticed rubbers missing from his stash. How do I confront him?"

I (40f) have been married to hubby (44m) for 20 years, together 25 years (high school). He left on a trip with our eldest daughter (21) to his home country, while I stayed home due to work and school obligations. They are due to come home in a few days, but my daughter flies in two days before her dad.

Out of a feeling, I checked my husbands toiletry bag the night before he left to see if he packed any c*nd*ms. He didn’t. Then I checked the stash and there were exactly 10, same as I last checked a while back. The next day I left for work while he was still packing. When I came back he was done and I took them both to the airport.

Yesterday I thought to check the c*nd*m stash again and low and behold there were only five. My first thought was to confront him over the phone and I almost did but my daughter and his aunt were in his vicinity when I called so I hung up instead. He sensed I had an issue cause I said I wanted to ask him something to call me when he was alone. He didn’t call back at all, not even to say goodnight.

He didn’t call me until the next evening while other people were around. We only use c0nd0ms when I have an issue with my birth c0ntrol and have not been consistent which was a few years back, so I thought that stash was old and not replenished. I’m now wondering, is he replenishing the stash with new ones? He must be intending to cheat on me if he is prepared.

In all of our years together he has never been found to be unfaithful although I had my doubts many years ago. I have always been faithful to him. What should I do to confront him without him hanging up on me, or gaslighting me? I want to see his facial expression on FaceTime. Or do I confront him when he gets home?

Will confronting him now likely prevent him from cheating on me (especially those two days when my daughter flies back home and he stays). The damage is already done though. How should I confront my husband about this?

TL;DR: My husband of 20 years went on a trip out of the country while I stayed home and I noticed c0nd0ms missing from the stash. How do I confront him?

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Herdnerfer wrote:

No chance your daughter might be the culprit?

OP responded:

She wouldn’t dare go through his stuff that is well put away. Plus he was there all day. She is also into girls.

Trash-Panda-303 wrote:

If I were going to cheat, I’d have the sense to buy condoms at my destination, or even in the airport shops. You guys have been married 20 years, why are you even still using condoms? He should just get snipped and be done with it.

OP responded:

He refuses to snip but is sure to keep me on my toes with the birth control so that we don’t have anymore surprise babies. I have asked him to snip cause the research I did showed that it was much safer than women undergoing procedures. I sometimes think he has a just in case I remarry and may want kids in the future mentality.

The question about why I check had me thinking, I know right, why do I feel the need to check. Thinking about it, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with him having a stash of c0nd0ms. If we ever needed it, which is rarely, why can’t we just go buy it. I’m just realizing that those dang c*ndoms lying around had me insecure but also gave me a sense of security by making sure they were all there.

Now that is all shattered and he’s a damn fool, cause he had no idea I was checking them. He probably was nervous about buying in his country cause my daughter was around. But he definitely wanted to make sure he was protected. But if those really were the old c*ndoms, was he intending to use crusty old c*ndoms? I can’t find the expiration date on the five left here, cause they are out of the box.

Why don’t they have the date right on the wrapper? Also, when we were younger and newly married I started driving his car, which he bought while we were together. While I was vacuuming I saw a small piece of cardboard sticking out from under the console. When I lifted the counsel a bit to pull it out I realized that it was a small box of three c*nd*ms.

All c@nd@ms were in the box, when I approached him about it, at first he denied they were his, but then said that they were giving them out on his college campus, and he just mindlessly stashed them there, or something to that effect. I never trusted that story but since all the c*ndoms were there, I moved on. Yeah so I guess that’s where my c&nd*m insecurity started.

Logical_Recipe3550 wrote:

How many kids do you guys have?

OP responded:

Just two. The girls are 12 years apart. For My first daughter I was not taking the pill/ birth control consistently, and I had my second when I came off of birth control for about a month because of the side effects. I got pregnant shortly after that. We never seriously considered a third, I sometimes had baby fever, and wanted to have at least one planned baby. He was an adamant no.

We were on with our time consuming careers, so agreed to not have any more children. He has always been a good dad and an attentive husband for the most part(especially when he was older and over his young stay out partying late night phase).

We basically grew up together, and have seen many phases of our growth as we matured. Still the comments in this post are helping me see that I am not as secure in my relationship as I thought I was.

Accomplished-Wish494 wrote:

What’s driving you to regularly check the condom count? Either you trust him or you don’t. You can’t prevent cheating, especially while you are in a different country. What do you gain by seeing his face? What could he possibly say that would convince you that they are missing for some other reason?

For ME, I wouldn’t stay in a relationship where I felt the need to check how many condoms my partner had. No trust, I’m out. I don’t need to see their face, I’ll just pack their s**t and change the locks.

Angel-4077 wrote:

So he has always been an opportunist cheater and takes condoms with him in case he gets "lucky'. He will deny & gaslight you when you confront him. he probably won't get the chance to cheat whilst away. The only way to be sure is to keep quiet and see how many packs he puts back on his return. But he IS a cheater no doubt.

OP responded:

This is an idea, I just don’t know if I have enough self control to play it cool and just wait til he cheats. I called him at 1am, same time in his home country, thinking that he was out partying still. There is a big parade tomorrow for Easter, so I thought he would be up. He answered FaceTime in a dark room and said he was sleeping.

I don’t have his tracker, but my daughter’s tracker confirmed that she was at the location where they are staying. We said we will talk in the morning so I didn’t bring it up. Something keeps preventing me from bringing it up, whether it’s my youngest hanging out with me while she’s up or my oldest being around her dad, but maybe it’s for the best.

Roughly a week later, OP shared an update.

After some advice I decided to confront him in person when he got home. However, in one FaceTime conversation he asked me why I don’t seem like I miss him. I led on that I was upset because something was missing from the home, he shrugged it off and. Said “there you go” (as if I’m starting something), we then hung up. We didn’t talk about it again.

He came home and at first I acted normal, then I confronted him when the time was right. I asked him why there were c&nd&ms missing from his stash. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, then gaslit me for an hour and a half. I went through all his bags and found nothing. Mind you, he doesn’t let me go through his stuff, so I found it odd that he let me check everything.

He had this weird smirk on his face that he was trying to hide and kept persisting and trying to hug me. Then he turned it on me saying that I always try to start things about everything, that I didn’t miss him but he missed me. etc. I didn’t want nothing to do with his touch and pressured hugs. He told me to drop it, he doesn’t want to talk about it. I told him he just wanted me to sweep it under the rug.

I told him that I realize that is how he has gotten away with things I confronted him with in the past, but never had full proof. Well I’m not a little kid anymore. Then he said I know what’s going on, I said I need to hear the truth from him. Finally, I convinced him that the only way we could resolve it is with honesty. With that jokey tone and smirk he asked if I will drop it and just hug him if he tells me the truth.

I reiterated that the only way we can ever get past this is with honesty. He finally admitted that he took them with him. He tried to give a BS excuse that his bags are always packed with them, I shut that down with the fact that they came directly from his stash that was in another bag, left home. Then he tried to say it was instinctive, I called him out on that BS and asked where the heck are they now.

He said he threw them out in the hotel because he panicked after I implied on a phone call with him that the reason I’m not acting like I miss him is because I’m mad that I noticed something missing from our home. He said he didn’t want to get caught with them so trashed them. I said he used them. He said when did he have time? I asked when did he think he would have time?

I pointed out that he was thinking he’s slick but he got caught and could have just bought them over there. Then he pointed out that they were old and we don’t even need to have them cause we don’t use them. So I said, they are probably not as old as you say, you probably replenish them cause why would you want to use old c@nd@ms with a random stranger? What’s the point.

I also opened one right in front of him, and it felt fresh and lubricated. I wonder how long he has been doing this for. Now that I think about it, there were 10 before he left, but a while back when I checked before ( he was traveling out of state without me) I think there were 12. But I wrote that number in the back of a mirror which I no longer have. The number 10 I wrote in a notebook so that I remember and couldn’t be gaslit.

I want to leave, but don’t want to go to family. I’m considering a hotel, but I would have to wait until he leaves the house first. I wanna be strong and let him know this isn't a joke to me. I don’t support infidelity! I also don’t want the kids to know what’s going on right now. Trust was obviously gone for me for a while, can I ever gain that back?

TL;DR: I 40F confronted my husband 44F of 20 years about some missing c0nd0ms and he gaslit me, then asked me to just drop the subject and act like everything is okay.

The internet had OP's back.

MyRedditUserName428 wrote:

He’s probably cheating or looking to. But it sounds like you don’t even like each other. Just divorce.

OP responded:

We have a good time together and have a long history. I would say I love him and thought he did me, but maybe not. Maybe this is just a convenient marriage, and one for the kids.

LimitlessMegan wrote:

It was instinctive…for him to pack c0ndoms when he travels without you. You’ve been married 20 years. Together since high school. When exactly did he develop this “instinct” when it wouldn’t be cheating??

hayfever76 wrote:

She says to him that something is missing - he panics and throws out the c0nd0ms? Why? How did he reach the conclusion it was the c0nd0ms? And why would you throw out the thing that shows your innocence?

LimitlessMegan responded:

And smirks at her when she’s going through his luggage cause he thinks he’s clever.

Spoiler: he’s not clever. I’d read this guy as having created all along, thinking he’d been SO clever (lucky) to cover it up when really it’s just that his wife trusted him and didn’t want to believe her gut.

dezmodium wrote:

Your husband is so full of s**t he could start a fertilizer business. I think you know the next steps but if you were looking for validation in regards to your feelings on it I am validating you. He knows exactly what he was doing and so do you. His excuses are weak.

Every time you caught him in a lie he moved to the next weak excuse.

I'm a married guy, by the way. I would never pack c0nd0ms on a trip. There is no instinct to do that especially after 20 years!

Clearly, it's time for OP to pack it up, as painful as that might be. She deserves someone who is honest with her.

Sources: Reddit
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