'I’ve just realized that I let the men I call my family and friends ruin my marriage.' UPDATED 2X

Finding out the true nature of someone you thought was a friend can be devastating, even moreso, when they ruined your other relationships.

In a popular post on the True Off My Chest subreddit, a man shared the horrible discovery he recently made about his male friends. He wrote:

"I’ve only just realized that I let the men I call my family and friends ruin my marriage."

I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years and a few weeks ago my father (67m), my 2 brothers (37m&40m) and 4 friends (35m,37m,38,41m) while very drunk joked about how they can’t believe I left my wife.

They said that they all tried to get with her since the divorce but she had repeatedly rejected them, saying it would be inappropriate and unkind to do such a thing to me. I laughed at what they were saying just to ease them into saying more and once they thought I found it funny they really opened up.

They had all purposely made me feel paranoid about my ex-wife cheating on me, and using me because why would a woman like her be with a man like me if it wasn’t for the money I made? They often hinted at or sometimes even directly said that she wore the pants in the relationship and that she was only with me because I’m easily manipulated. They constantly planted negative things into my mind.

If I went to talk with them about something happening in my relationship they would put a negative twist to it or they’d purposely give me bad advice. Then when I lost my job during covid they all hinted at how she’s definitely cheating now that there’s no financial benefit in being faithful to me. I obviously trusted them and often took their words to heart and it ruined my marriage.

I frequently argued with my wife and I was always accusing her of something or suspecting her of not really loving me. I questioned everything that was between us. I often told her bulls**t things like how I’m a high value man and that she needed to appreciate me and when I was not working for 6 months I flipped the script and started accusing her of not respecting me for not working.

I was unappreciative of all her hard work and for being the one who took care of our household bills and any other bill during those six months of unemployment. I continued to let their words drive me into paranoia and I started accusing her of cheating with her co-workers. Eventually my wife had enough of my moods, constant mistrust and accusations.

She left me and to be honest for a long time it felt like it came out of nowhere and so I had myself convinced she left me for another man. Now here I am knowing that every man I’ve called my family, my friend were all my enemies who I let destroy my marriage. I obviously lost my mind once they were done telling me all the ways they conspired to ruin my marriage, and we did get to blows.

I’ve cut off all contact with each and everyone of them. I want to reach out to my ex and make amends and hopefully get her back. My ex-wife has agreed to meet up with me and she doesn’t know exactly what I want to discuss with her and I don’t know how to go about making amends and hopefully mending our relationship.

How do I tell her how much I regret everything and that I want her to give me a second chance? Is there even a chance for us?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: Some of y’all keep saying “you took the words of your friends over your wife’s” and I don’t think that’s a to fair or complete assessment. I trusted my father and brothers. My father was the main driving force behind this manipulation campaign and it’s not often that your entire family is conspiring against you. And not only your family but also your friends.

I’m not running away from accepting the fact that it is wholly my fault in how my marriage ended. I take ownership of that. I take ownership of the fact that I accused my wife of being a cheater or a user. I regret it all. If my ex-wife doesn’t accept my apology. I would accept it gracefully.

If she said she never wanted to talk to me or ever get back together I’d also accept it. I would not stand in the way and I would not try to change her mind. I would wish her well and leave her be.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

Fun-Statistician-550 wrote:

Well they certainly knew you're easy to manipulate don't they. I'm glad you cut these people off. And I would also make a concerted effort to hear your ex out. I don't know if she'll ever forgive you, but at least give her closure if that's what she needs.

OP responded:

As much as it hurts to read this and to see myself as such a person it is true. I trusted these men. I especially trusted my father and brothers. I never thought my own family would be plotting to ruin my marriage and get with my wife. I absolutely won’t get in the way of her unburdening herself.

I can only hope she can find a way to forgive me and to possibly trying to get back together but I’m not holding my breath. I would respect her wishes even if that means she’ll never forgive me.

JessMoJu wrote:

So are you telling me that you dad and brothers also tried to get with your wife?

island_lord830 wrote:

I'm shocked they are still alive after a confession like that. Idk man Bahamians just too volatile to hear something like that and not go off. That's just vile.

OP responded:

I didn’t include the violence that broke out once heard it all because I didn’t want get my post banned. Blood was absolutely spilled. And of course I had my a*s beat because it was 7 against 1. But I did do damage and an ambulance and the police were called. None of us pressed charges against each other and left it at that. Honestly I am still raging and I’ve been heartbroken since.

skoupidia22 wrote:

What pieces of s**t are these family members and friends. Wasn't enough they f**kd up your life, they ganged up on you instead of being apologetic ASF and de-escalating smh. I know you can't go John Wick on their a*s but isn't there any legal framework for a defamation lawsuit you could start on behalf of your wife against all of them?

OP responded:

I've decided I wasn’t going to let these people steal one more second of my time. I don’t think there’s much I can do legally and even if there is a legal framework for it I wouldn’t even waste any time on it.

A week later, OP shared another update.

On Sunday I got to meet up with my ex-wife. I apologized profusely and she was kind and understanding but said she couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive me. She said that it simply isn’t in her nature to forgive, and that despite it all she holds no grudges or anger against me and wishes me nothing but goodness in my life.

She did give me some advice and told me that I have been in an abusive relationship all my life and that in order to heal whatever is broken in me that I should cut out my father as he sets the tone for my treatment by the rest of my family (she had pointed out the many ways my father has hurt me or had encouraged my family to mistreat me).

She said I’d always be stagnated and unhappy if I continued to associate myself with my family and former friends. I told her that I cut them out of my life and that I’ve got my first therapy session scheduled in a few days.

She said she was proud of me for taking my first step into healing. Our conversation was heartfelt and emotionally devastating as we discussed the many ways our marriage had failed as well as the ab*se I’ve experienced by my father and family. We cried the entire time. We cried a lot. We ended our conversation with a long hug and then we said our goodbyes.

People had a lot to say in response.

TwoBionicknees wrote:

IF any of your brothers/friends are married or have girlfriends, tell them exactly what they did, both worked together to manipulate you then all tried to f***k your ex. They are monstrously manipulative and evil and quite besides revenge, these women need to know their partners are ab*sive and manipulating them deliberately and cheating (if they were in relationships during this time).

SortofaD1ck wrote:

This. I would send a group text of all the wives/gfs send them screenshots of their messages as well as this reddit post. You’re not seeking revenge; just paying it forward.

frolicndetour wrote:

I'm glad your ex held her ground and I'm glad you are going into therapy. The fact that your reaction to the lies was not to have a conversation with your wife but to mentally abuse her until she gave up was troubling. And makes sense given what your ex said about your father. I hope you work through all that before you attempt another relationship. Good luck.

UseYourIndoorVoice wrote:

You realize her advice is due at least in part to your treatment of her, don't you? I'm glad you've taken steps to better yourself, but the rest of this journey is on you. Leave your ex out of it, and best of luck as you continue to heal from the harm you've both caused and suffered.

OP jumped in the comments to share a final update.

Forgiveness is earned through changed behavior and recognition of your harm but it isn’t guaranteed or something you deserve. Some things shouldn’t be forgiven, and that doesn’t mean it eats away at the person or that it somehow holds them back. So I do agree with her when she said that you don’t need to forgive in order to heal or gain emotional maturity. And sometimes forgiveness is not even an option.

For her this one of those things that she simply can’t and won’t forgive and all I can do is accept it. As much as I’d like her forgiveness, it is simply not available to me and that’s perfectly fine.

It sounds like, in the very least - OP is on a path to keeping healthier company.