'I’ve known about my husband's affair for years and it's made me a bitter and angry person.' UPDATED

"I’ve known about my husband's affair for years and it has made me a bitter and angry person."

My husband of five years has been sleeping with another woman. I found out three years ago and have never told anyone, not even him, that I know what has been happening. When I found out I was very upset. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or even function like a normal human for weeks. I wanted to scream at him and kick him out of my life forever. But the same weekend I found out, he gave me a gift.

It was a necklace with our son’s name engraved in it, and he thanked me for being a good mother and an even more supportive wife. I couldn’t say anything after that so I just pretended like I never saw anything. But now I’m starting to realise just how much this affair is affecting me. I notice how he returns home late from work everyday. How he hides his phone away from me when he’s texting.

The secret phone calls. And I can’t help but be mean to him now. Anytime he asks me for something I just ignore him and pretend I can’t hear. If he requests something specific to eat, I purposefully won’t make it. I feel like such a terrible person for treating him like that but then I remember how much he is hurting me. I know the affair is still ongoing, that much is obvious.

I can’t bring it in me to leave him. I don’t know if it’s because of my son or if there’s some other underlying reason I haven’t quite figured out yet. But I’ve become this angry and bitter person just waiting for the day he plucks up the courage to leave our family for that woman. What’s worse is I allow him to be intimate with me despite what I know.

Because even though I hate him for what he’s doing behind my back, I still care about him. And it doesn’t help that he’s an amazing father. Despite his cheating, he treats me well. Perhaps I’ve convinced myself he still loves me even though he sleeps with another woman, he’s just using her for s-xual gratification and nothing more. But I don’t think that’s enough anymore.

Commenters had a lot to say about the ordeal.

Laughorcryliveordie wrote:

Is it possible that you are mad at yourself in some way? I’m concerned that you have devalued yourself in your own eyes. You have allowed him to treat you appallingly and you deserve better.

OP responded:

It’s possible. I look back and wish I had said something when I found out. I was just being naive back then thinking maybe he would realise I was the better option if I tried harder. It was easier to pretend because I though I could change his mind.

AnnieB512 wrote:

You stay because it's comfortable and you are afraid to do it alone. You'll be surprised how much better you'll feel after you leave and face life alone.

OP responded:

I guess this is true. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than change. We’ve been together for twelve years. I always imagined my life with him, I never saw anyone or anything else in my future. Certainly not the possibility of being a single mum. Maybe you’re correct, I’m scared to do this alone.

I wasn’t a good mum when I first had my son because of PPD. I don’t want the neglectful part of me to resurface if I’m on my own. What if the only reason I’ve been holding it together is because of my husband? I’d have no support if I left. If I do leave, he could use my behaviour when our son was born against me and I’ll never see my baby again.

HayWhatsCooking wrote:

This is so depressing. Get therapy. If not for yourself, at least for your son. He deserves a healthy mother and a good example of how to treat a woman.

Mindless_Ad4498 wrote:

You stayed because he gave a necklace engraved with your son's name? Girl... I've seen better reasons to stay with a cheating partner, you could've bought a necklace like that yourself. Stand up!!!

mak_zaddy wrote:

Girl…GURL. you are NOT doing your son any favors. In fact, you’re setting a horrible example for him because you would be surprised how much kids notice the tension.

Also stop sleeping with him. Get tested. Start getting your ducks in a row. You deserve to have a life without becoming a bitter person.

cocopuff7603 wrote:

You are bitter and angry because you hold your cheating husband in more regard than your mental health & self worth. How do you look in the mirror? Knowing he’s been F$c&ing someone for 5 years!!! Get up GET A LAWYER, go through his phone get the dirt and move on. THIS IS INSANE!!!! Are you getting regular testing? Sanity at the price of a necklace!

A week later, OP shared an update.

I’ve been so overcome with emotion since I made my post. I never intended to make an update which is why I uploaded it anonymously. I just needed some kind of outlet for my resentment towards my husband. I didn’t expect it to get any interaction, I just assumed it would go under the radar like many posts do.

But in reading the comments on that post, it feels like I’ve woken up from a horrible and reoccurring nightmare. I only wish I had someone to tell me these things sooner. I was too busy pitying myself that I put my misery above protecting my son from the potential trauma he could develop. I was being a terrible mother, as some comments have suggested.

Or maybe they haven’t and I’ve just read them that way because it’s how I’ve been feeling on the inside. I’m still figuring things out as you can see. I’m doing it. I’m ending my marriage. I’ve been discussing it with a divorce lawyer and it’s looking pretty good for me. I don’t want to say too much on that in case he somehow finds this post.

The other woman is a friend of his, apparently. I confronted him and he admitted it. And for those who guessed it, he did know I found out about the affair three years ago. I suspect the necklace was a gesture for him to seem less interested in his AP. Or maybe to ease his guilt. He never confirmed that. I found out about the affair through an accidental snooping on his phone.

I had to get a new phone and some of the phone numbers didn’t transfer for some reason so I was finding our mutual contacts to let them know my number had changed. He saved her as ‘Alan Work’ but some texts came through that didn’t sound like something a coworker would say.

I went through the messages (after he went to bed) and the flirting went as far back as six years ago but the intimacy began three years ago. Anyway, it’s time to put me and my son first. He’s three so I hope he is young enough where I haven’t screwed up his entire perception of what love and marriage looks like. I know I need to work on myself too.

My dependency issues, confidence, and just how I view myself overall. It’s difficult for me because I have no support. I’m completely alone throughout this whole process. I only have my friends and they’re busy with their own families and lives that I don’t want to burden them with my issues. I have no siblings and I don’t even know who my dad is.

My mum took her own life when I was sixteen, and my grandparents were estranged from my mother before I was even born. From the age of eighteen until now (thirty), my husband was all I had. I guess I was blinded by my desperation to give my son the family I never had that I ended up sacrificing my own happiness. (Can you tell I’ve been going to therapy?)

I will be staying at my mums house (just waiting for the divorce proceedings to begin). I inherited it after she passed and had been renting it for some extra cash. I’m going to be for my son what I never had. He’ll always have me, I don’t care who else enters our lives, I’m going to be his constant. Sometimes it takes a bunch of strangers on the internet calling you out on your cowardice for you to wake up.

I always dreamed of having one of those big, tight-knit families that spent every holiday and birthday together. That’s something I might never have, but I would sacrifice that any day for my baby to grow up in a healthy environment. He won’t have the same messed up views as me. I also owe everyone that commented a huge amount of gratitude.

Had I not made the post, I would probably be stuck in a loveless and toxic marriage. I hope you know that you may have saved my life. I was spiralling so far down that I didn’t even realise my mental health was impacted to the point I contemplated taking my own life several times in the past year. I only had one reason to live and I could feel it gradually slipping from my grasp everyday.

I would’ve just repeated the cowardly way out that I saw growing up. I want to make a vow to you all now. I will never leave my son without a mother. He won’t suffer like I did. His happiness will always be my priority. I will work on my mental health so I can be the mother he deserves.

And no matter what my feelings are towards his father, I will never interfere or prevent them from having a relationship (unless of course it is necessary for me to do so). He is all I have now and I refuse to make him feel like loving him is a burden. I’m breaking that cycle. I’ve never seen stability so it’s hard for me to imitate.

But I don’t want him to look back in twenty-seven years and have to learn what that looks like alone, so I’m going do my absolute hardest to improve until I can become his vision of a healthy and stable person. I know this is probably not the update you were expecting but it is all I can really say at this point.

I don’t plan on updating this ever again so I hope that you’re all pleased with how things have turned out. Much love and best wishes, A reborn and single mother to a gorgeous three year old baby.

The comments kept coming in.

parkesc wrote:

Tell. Your. Friends. Let THEM decide if they want to help you.

OP responded:

They know what is happening and have reached out a few times since but I’m just hesitant because my friends are also close with my husband as we’ve known them since we first got together.

I just don’t want anyone to feel like I’m preventing them from being friends with him. I had friends of my own too that I met at Uni away from him but he didn’t like when I hung out with them alone so they’ve probably moved on now.

Stacy560 wrote:

This is absolutely the update we were HOPING for!! I have 4 girls with a deadbeat he hasn't seen or spoken to them in 15 years. I come from a divorced home. Every other weekend, dad, etc. Same old. I have a huge extended family on both sides that I never see.

So, every holiday, birthday, and random weekend, I have a cookout with my girls. I make the whole 9 yards of southern holiday food, enough to feed 10 to 12 ppl. For us. That's what my girls know. It's not who sits at your table. It's who loves you enough to set the table.

AssistanceOk3669 wrote:

It is hard now and probably will be for a bit but you finally have found your strength and you're putting your well being alongside your son's first. Forget your soon to be ex and his affair partner quite frankly. He ruined your perception of love but understand when it is your time, you will find someone who won't ever do that to you. Keep finding your strength, tell your friends, and life will get better.

Mak_Zaddy wrote:

This is a great update. I’m proud of you. Tell your friends. You would be surprised at friends jumping to be your support.

Take care of yourself as you go through everything. How did your STBex take you moving out?

OP responded:

I haven’t moved out yet. I’m waiting for my current tenants to find somewhere else to go before I move out. They have updated me about finding a place so we’re just waiting for that landlords current lease to end so they can rent the new place. Also, we’ve discussing child maintenance and how much he wants to see his son etc.

It’s been pretty amicable actually because we had an agreement that the other woman isn’t allowed near the home until I’ve officially moved out. It has made it easier not caring about when he comes home late though.

Minute_Box3852 wrote:

And what's his reaction to all of this?

OP responded:

It’s been pretty amicable, I haven’t been able to move out just yet because of an issue with renters but he does know I intend to move out soon. He’s willing to make a private child maintenance arrangement instead of the government one because that’s 12% of his weekly income which we’ve both agreed isn’t enough.

He might not care about me but he definitely loves his son. He wants to see him at least once a week and wants to spend every other Christmas with him. We’re still working out the details but we’re on the same page for a lot of the things in the divorce agreements.

OP jumped on with a comment detailing how conflicted her husband is about the affair.

He had a guilty look the whole time. He did apologise although I didn’t feel inclined to accept it. He cared more about me taking our son away from him than anything else. Which I guess is good. We’re working on a custody arrangement and still figuring a few things out. I would’ve liked him to care a bit more about me because I spent 13 years of my life with him but it does it make it easier to move on.

I’m just hoping that everything works out okay and I’m glad he still wants to be present in our sons life. He didn’t fight for me but he did apologise. He looked pretty guilty when I pointed out he was out with another woman while I tried my hardest dealing with PPD and a newborn.

But other than that, he made it clear he wants to spend time with our son which I guess is respectable. We’re working on a custody arrangement but he’s being pretty fair to me, I guess he really does feel guilty because he’s open giving me what I want.