Broke man’s ego prevents him from taking job from friend; 'What you do is low.' AITA? + UPDATE
"My (M31) best friend (M33) is broke, I've been offering him a job in the restaurant I work for months and today he confessed he doesn't want to be a server because it' 'low' and people'd lose respect for him. I'm deeply offended."
This happened just before. My friend is broke, he hasn't worked in over a year, he's running out of savings and has even had to ask his parents to support him. I asked him many times why doesn't he try to get a job that's not in his field. He's got a computer science degree but has never worked in the field a single day in his life since graduating.
He's turned down lots of jobs because reasons. They don't pay him enough, they won't give him a higher up position right off the bat, etc. I'm well aware he's deluded in that sense, but he has many other good qualities and that's why I love the guy.
So since graduating the only job's he's done is Share marketing, something like online investing, in ForEx. He said he made about $20 a day and that it was enough for him. He's single, lives in a shared house and doesn't spend much. Whatever makes him happy right?
The thing is he's totally broke. I don't think he really is making even $20 a day on the shares because he's run out of money. He's stressed out and won't stop complaining about money problems.
This is confusing for me and I think it comes down to his pride not allowing him to get a job that's not fit for his ego. Now, I work as server in a very nice restaurant and have offered him a job as a server many many times.
I have a great relationship with my boss and after telling him my friend's situation he didn't hesitate to say he wanted to help and would like to offer him a full time job. My friend has been turning it down for months not really giving much of an explanation.
Today he called me saying his parents have cut him off and asked to borrow money from me. I said that as a personal rule I do not lend money to anyone, but that he was welcome to start working tomorrow with me. He again turned down the offer and I got a bit frustrated because I'm offering him a solution to his money problem but he won't accept it.
So we got into a bit of a banter and he finally confessed he thinks being a server is low and doesn't get you people's respect. I told him respect is earned by getting off your ass and doing whatever you have to to make ends meet.
I asked him if he thinks I'm low and he back-pedaled saying he didn't mean I in particular was low, but the job itself was. He then straight out told me nobody can respect me working as a waiter in my 30's. Wow.
To be honest, I'm pretty upset, he thinks I am low for working as a server? I got a degree too but I couldn't find a job in my field so I had to take the first job I could, I'm not some prissy prick thinking I'm too good to serve others. I take pride in being a waiter and doing a great job. I'm so hurt by his comments. Why is he my friend if he thinks I'm low?
I didn't want to say something nasty or get into an argument with him so I only told him he was being very offensive and I felt like he needed time to think about what he said to me.
He replied saying there was nothing to think about, then gave me a list of 'low' jobs like street sweeper, cleaner etc and said it's a fact those are low, not respected jobs. I asked him to apologize before this snowballed into a full blown argument and he said he stood by what he said.
I don't wanna over react but I don't know if we can keep being friends after this. I really don't know what to do. I don't wanna badmouth him but he should examine his life and learn empathy. I'm a very easy going and forgiving person but what he said hurt me and was idiotic. The man who refuses to work calling me low. I don't know what to do.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Honestly, be happy he didn't took the job. Because with that attitude he wouldn't have lasted long and tarnished your rep with it.
"I don't wanna over react but I don't know if we can keep being friends after this."
Honestly, don't keep him as a friend. Doesn't seem that you get much out of the friendship anyway.
I always ask myself, If everything is okay, why is there any doubt ? You're alarm senses ringed as they should. Don't ignore it. Why would you want to surround yourself with this dude ? He's got a pretty arrogant view. He's turning down jobs because they didn't gave him the best position available...come on man, how bright do you have to be?
Server here. I make more than most of my friends with “real jobs”. Also known plenty of people with degrees that end of serving because they just make more. I don’t plan to be a server for the rest of my life but it pays my bills and tuition plus traveling. It’s not as bad as people think, it’s something to get him out of his financial hole and it’s sad that he’s bypassing an opportunity to do so. 🤷🏻♀️
The next day, the OP returned with an udate.
I made this post yesterday asking for advice on how to handle the situation with my friend. Basically he's very broke and his parent have cut him off. I've been offering him a job in the restaurant I work in for months and he always turned it down.
His situation got so bad he came to me yesterday asking to borrow money. I don't let money to anyone as a rule, but I told him there'll always be a plate of food for him in my house and he was welcome to accept the job offer and star working with me the very next day.
Well long story short, we had a bit of an argument -if you can call it that- and he finally confessed he thinks being a server is low and won't earn him people's respect.
In an interesting turn of events he called me today and said he'd thought it through and had decided he's willing to accept the job only with one condition (as if he was the one doing me the favor), that he's to be made manager right off the bat.
He also said that he should move in with me so that I can drive him to work because the bus from his house to my workplace takes 35 minutes and that's over an hour of commuting a day.
He then suggested I move my youngest daughter into my elder daughter's room so that that's an empty bedroom for him in my house. So he obviously had given this some thought.
I was dumbfounded. The sense of entitlement and the level of pride you gotta have to make those demands is astonishing. I know he's never had a proper job but he's not stupid, he has to know you can't be made manager if you don't even know the names of their dishes or how to serve a coffee.
It's all about his pride. He's got an ego bigger than I thought. He can't be humble enough to accept a waiter job and work things out from there, he needs to be made manager so that it won't hurt his pride as much.
To be honest, I was so out of words I said I don't wanna talk and hanged up. I can't explain how off putting that conversation was, I feel repealed by him, I feel disgusted, as if something has changed inside me, I can't have a person like him in my life.
What makes a person refuse all help just out of sheer pride? My wife says I've been patient and kind enough to him throughout the years and I should let him figure things out on his own.
He really is broke, before his parents cut him off they were covering his rent/bills and he survived on the $20 a day he claimed to be making investing in Forex. I know he barely eats and can't even afford a new pair of shoes, and some other stuff, I know he's got no money, but then why won't he accept the job?
He's not shy, has no mental health issues, has no problem dealing with people. He's refused many other jobs in the past. Even jobs related to his degree -computer science-. He's got the wrong idea that he should be given higher up positions right from the start because he's him, and that's what he deserves. That's the reason he hasn't worked a single day since graduating like a decade ago.
Anyway, I've go to do some deep thinking and re-evaluate this friendship because I don't like the person he's becoming. His dad is a bus driver and his mother a retired teacher, they are lovely humble down to earth people, I think they've done the right thing cutting him off.
I know they'r both struggling financially so it's not fair for their son to leech off them. His mother even had to go back to work doing some tutoring in order to make some extra money to be able to support my friend.
I'd be so ashamed if I made my 70 year old mother go back to work just so I could be sitting at home dreaming of landing the perfect job while actively ding nothing to get one. Anyway, I'm rambling. Sorry I'm just so mad. My wife says it's time to cut the cord and distance ourselves from him. I think she might be right.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Don’t get this guy a job where you work. He will end up making you look bad.
Forget that. I respect the hell out of the people who cook, and serve the food I order. I may not have worked those positions before, but I see how stressful/demanding it can be. Completely ridiculous.
That’s wild. Dude doesn’t have any work experience and thinks a CS degree with no practical knowledge entitles him to managerial role. Wonder what he’s doing now.