'AITA for telling my dad I judge his actions more harshly now that I'm a widowed parent too?'
"AITA for telling my dad I judge his actions more harshly now that I'm a widowed parent too?"
MaleficentBoss8162
I (26m) lost my wife, Annie, over a year ago when our two children were only 18 months and 4 years old. She was only 25. I lost my own mom when I was 5 so I have been where my children are and my heart aches for them as well as for myself and for Annie, who so desperately wanted to be here for our kids.
She lost her own dad when she was 6 so the reality of history repeating hit her incredibly hard before the end. I vowed to her, to myself and to our children that I would not make the same mistakes my dad and her mom made in the aftermath. I'm mostly estranged from my dad but after Annie died he reached out to tell me he hoped I understood him better and cut him some slack for everything.
I didn't respond to him at the time because I was in the most immediate sense of grief still. Today it's still raw but I'm in therapy to try and find peace in my life. He reached out to me a few more times and he apologized for his initial message.
We met up a few days ago per his request. Once he realized I still wear my wedding ring and once he realized I was still grieving, he tried telling me I needed to move on and start looking for love again.
This led to tension in the meeting and I told him to drop it or else. Which is when he started saying he would hope I would see why he remarried so fast after my mom died and why he was so happy with his second wife and why he felt I needed a mother like he was so sure I felt my kids needed.
Saying I hated him for being happier and loving his second wife more but I should understand better now. I should understand that life has to move on and wanting to embrace a new person fully is not a bad thing. I'm a widowered parent and that should have opened my eyes and made me regret hating him for so long. I told him it didn't work that way.
That it only made me judge his actions more harshly. He was stunned to hear this. He asked me how I was ever going to find someone else to love me and the kids if I'm hung up on Annie and I told him Annie was the love of my life.
I told him my children are the other two loves of my life but in a different way to Annie. It's my job to give them safety, security, love and the best life I can make happen. I told him I would never look my young children in the eye and tell them their mother is dead and they need to get over it and accept a new mother.
I will never yell at my children for crying for their mother because it makes the new spouse unhappy. I told him I'm not looking to give them a new mother. I'm looking to give them the best version of the dad they have and the best out of this life we have been given.
I told him I will never rub it in their faces the way he did to me that I love someone else way more than I ever loved their mom. I told him I understand grieving and needing to focus on yourself but not hurting your children by trying to erase the parent they love. He called me an ahole and I left. And I wondered since if I was too harsh. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ClaraMistral
NTA. Your father's remarriage and subsequent treatment of you were hurtful, and his recent comments about you moving on and finding love again were insensitive. It's natural for people to grieve and heal at their own pace, and no one should dictate how or when you should move on from your loss.
Your dedication to providing a loving and supportive environment for your children is admirable, especially considering the challenges you've faced. Prioritizing their emotional needs and preserving the memory of their mother is crucial for their well-being and emotional growth.
While your words may have been harsh, they came from a place of deep pain and frustration. You have every right to stand up for yourself and your children. Your commitment to your family and to Annie's memory is a testament to the depth of your love and compassion.
1962Michael
NTA. To be clear your dad is AH for what he did in the last year. He should definitely have allowed you to grieve in your own way and decide on your own whether and when to allow for the possibility of another love.
There's an old saying that "Women grieve, men replace." It obviously does not apply to you, but it does apply to your dad, and many men of his generation and before. It may be that he never loved your mother as much as you love Annie.
He's not an AH just because he married someone else, or even to love her more or be happier with her than he was with your mother. But he is certainly an AH for pointing it out to you and suggesting you do things the way he did.
I was divorced, not widowed. My two older kids made it pretty clear they weren't interested in being part of a blended family, once I eventually remarried. My youngest was all about it, for his own reasons.
I think the important thing is to allow the kids to have whatever relationship they want to have with any eventual step parents, and not try to manufacture a "Brady Bunch" scenario. I'm sorry for your losses. Love your children and know you are enough.
Leader_Warlike559
my deepest condolences, losing a spouse is rough, especially with little ones in the mix. You're navigating some seriously choppy emotional waters, and it's commendable you're seeking therapy to help keep your head above them.
As for your dad, I get it, he's trying to offer advice from his own experience, but man, he really missed the mark on this one. You're not wrong for setting boundaries and standing up for what you believe in.
You're NTA here, not even close. You're just a grieving dad trying to do right by your kids and honor the memory of your wife. Your dad might need some time to process that, but ultimately, you're doing what's best for you and your family.
yourlittlebirdie
NTA especially after it seems he reached out to you mostly to say “I told you so, now you’ll see” and make your wife’s death about himself rather than offering comfort to his grieving son. I’m so sorry for your and your children’s loss.
Esatron
NTA mate and you know it. You owe him nothing while you owe your children, as you said, the best version of yourself. Your father truly has some nerve to come over and tell you how to grieve. Rubbing in how he loves his new wife more than your mother, that's blatantly evil. My condolences for all the hardship you have had to endure.