'I just found out my husband saw his ex-GF the night before he proposed. Is this innocent?' UPDATED

"I (27F) just found out my husband (28M) saw his ex-girlfriend the night before he proposed to me. Is there any chance this is a completely innocent situation?"

I've sort of been going through it this week, and everyone in my life is telling me different things so I thought I'd come on here and ask you guys.

So my husband and I got married three months ago. We've been together for three years and now I just feel like everything has gone down the drain.

We got into a fight a week ago over practically nothing. It was a stupid fight, we were both really stressed all day because of a personal issue, and it sort of just compounded right before we went to bed and we just started yelling at each other. As we were fighting, my husband just sort of yelled that [ex-girlfriend's name] was right and he shouldn't of rushed into marriage.

I stopped d**d in my tracks. It felt like a bucket of cold water had just been poured on top of me. He immediately stopped talking, it was so silent, my body was shaking. I ran out of the room and locked myself in the spare bedroom for the night. The next morning, I found him in the kitchen, and he looked like he hadn't slept a wink. I felt bad, momentarily, until I remembered what he said.

He ended up confessing that the night before he proposed to me, he had gotten a text from his ex-girlfriend saying she needed to talk to him, he showed me his phone and there the text was. Her asking, practically begging, to see him, and him agreeing. He explained that she had just been broken up with, apparently this guy was horrible to her and she thought that my husband would be the only person to understand.

And they had gotten to talking, and he had told her he was going to propose to me tomorrow, to which apparently she began asking questions about me, about our relationship, stuff he just began willingly divulging, and then she told him that he was rushing into marriage.

According to him, although I have no way to validate any of this, he got up and left, and hasn't talked to her since. He reassured me that last night he was just stressed, he didn't mean it, and that there is not a day that goes by that he doesn't feel like the luckiest man in the world.

He was crying, begging me not to leave him. Things have been tense ever since then. He seems to be overcompensating, or at least he's overdoing it because he feels like that's what I want. I don't know what i want. I don't even know how to begin to process this.

TL;DR: Husband admitted during a fight that he saw his ex the night before proposing. She told him he was rushing into marriage. He now says he regrets bringing it up and still wants our marriage. I feel totally blindsided and don’t know what to do.

The internet did not hold back.

Curious_Baby_3892 wrote:

I'm curious, did he ever apologize for not telling you sooner that he went to see her? I'd be very cautious going forward, because you only know about this because he slipped up...how many months or even years from when you get into another heated argument before another shoe drops?

OP responded:

He apologised after he told me everything that happened, not specifically that he didn't tell me sooner, he just sort of kept apologising for going to see her over and over again.

He also apologised specifically that he threw it back in my face the night prior. I think he sort of was inferring to the whole situation in a way, but he didn't specifically say the words: I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I'm not sure if it matters but yeah.

Careless_Welder_4048 wrote:

Ngl this would break my heart and I wouldn’t get over it. He’s been thinking that in his head the whole time and how do I know they didn’t have s#x. He’s a liar and she needed him and he went to see her and didn’t tell you.

fluffcat04 wrote:

6 months into being married my now ex husband told me during an argument he never actually wanted to marry me and he just did it because he felt like it was the next step.

That stayed with me, it ruined the good memories of our engagement, our marriage because he never actually wanted to. This confession (along with other problems) ended our marriage because to me there was never anything great to get back to after he admitted that. It was all a lie.

christmasshopper0109 wrote:

My cousin went and saw his ex and proposed marriage. She said no. He then went and, with the SAME RING, proposed to his 2nd choice THE NEXT DAY. 2nd choice said yes. And the whole time they've been married, she has lived with the knowledge that she was the runner-up, not the girl with the crown. She looks sad a lot. I don't blame you for questioning the foundation of your marriage. It's not built on the whole truth.

RubeJuneRocket wrote:

That’s an unringable bell. It’s not even so much that he saw her and didn’t say anything, for me, that could’ve been fine. It’s that he’s clearly been hearing her words in his head the entire time you’ve been married. He went into your marriage with doubt and didn’t think you two, supposedly a partnership, should even get to have a conversation about that. That’s the dealbreaker for me.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Okay so I just want to say first that I am appreciative of everyone for giving me solid advice, or at least the people who tried to. It's been an interesting couple of days, but things are looking up. He's been sleeping in the spare room since the argument but we've had a couple conversations and have come to a conclusion.

We have a counselling session booked in for next week, and until then we have decided to keep our distance, as in seperate bedrooms. Thank you to everyone who recommended counselling, for some reason my brain completely forgot that was an option. I want to give him time before we go to our first appointment to really think about what he wants.

He kept saying that he didn't mean what he said, but I need to be sure of that before proceeding. If, on the off chance, he truly believes what his ex said, then I need him to come to that conclusion himself, because I don't think I could take it if I knew he was staying with me because of pride and not because he loves me.

We're going on a date tomorrow night, he's taking me to the restaurant we went to on our first date, and he seemed excited when he told me so I guess that's good. I am excited to have some normalcy return to our marriage, so I hope that maybe it's a turning point.

As for his ex...

To give some context I didn't give in the last post, my husband met her at a bar, not at her apartment or a hotel room.

Apparently she looked distraught, or at least like she had been in a bad situation for a while. And I do empathise, I don't want any woman to be in a relationship that is ab#sive, or emotionally draining. I do believe that my husband didn't cheat on me, and I know many of you might think I'm being naive about it, but I know my husband. Or at least I think I do.

I asked him why he said it if he didn't mean it, and he said he's not sure, which is concerning to me, so I hope he can figure it out in time for the counselling session and we can unpack it. I love my husband and I know he loves me, so while my anxiety is through the roof right now, I hope we can sort this out because I can't imagine a world where he and I aren't together.

The internet didn't hold back one bit.

AlmightyCrayons wrote:

I'm pretty sure I know EXACTLY why he said it. He was mad and he wanted to hurt your feelings, and that was the best ammunition he had to do it. When you do the counseling, if you guys decide that you do want to work through this and fix the relationship, healthy communication is gonna need to be a huge focal point. He needs to learn how to talk through a disagreement without taking shots at you.

gurlwithdragontat2 wrote:

Even with this framing, I don’t know if that makes it worse? You say that she was heartbroken and distraught from her previous relationship, and your husband thought it was appropriate to not only reveal that he went to see her before your engagement but also use that distress as an information weapon against you as a means to hurt you and your feelings.

Is he the one taking the steps to set up counseling? Is he the one doing the work to rebuild trust here? It’s good that you’re being conscious, keep doing that and being realistic.

Authorerror wrote:

I understand not wanting to walk out because of this. You've put three years into this relationship, you're married, and your lives are entwined in so many ways. People here will judge you for fighting for this, but it's completely understandable that you want to.

What I want you not to forget is how you felt when he said those words. I don't want you to forget how you felt that entire night locked in that room. I don't want you to forget the anxiety you are feeling right now.

And I don't want you to forget that your husband deliberately said one of the most hurtful things you could say to a partner when having a stupid fight about nothing. He could have said anything, and he went far below the belt. If those are the verbal punches he throws when you're fighting about nothing of consequence, what is he going to say when you're fighting for something of very real consequence?

Aethelric wrote:

He didn't say something he didn't mean, or make that up on the spot. He said something he's too smart to say to you when he's in control of himself. He went there because it's something that he's thinking about often, so it came to his mind as a weapon to hurt you with. An innocent version of this situation would've had you aware of it from the start.

Instead, at best, she was trying to get him away from you and he was willing to sneak off to see her and consider her offer. It's a complete lack of respect for you. You "know he loves" you, but his behavior is where that's actually proof to be seen...and this dude was secretly hanging out with his ex-girlfriend the night before he proposed.

Oh, also: the fact that he met with her that particular night meant that she was in contact with him about his plans! Decent chance he set up the meeting to try to talk her into getting back together with him. Show yourself the respect that he won't and get out of there.