'AITA for keeping the promise I made my kids at the expense of my stepdaughter?' UPDATED
"AITA for keeping the promise I made my kids at the expense of my stepdaughter?"
I, 43f, have two children. “Sarah” 17f and “Aiden” 15m. Nine years ago, my late husband passed away in a fatal car crash. I was devastated. I was afraid for my kids to grow up without a father and I was afraid to be alone.
Luckily, my family stepped up, my brother-in-law acted as a surrogate father for my kids. My sister and BIL do not have kids of their own, but were happy to help us out.
Five years ago, I met my now husband 47m and his daughter, “Elizabeth” 17f at a friends housewarming party. I was hesitant to date again, but I took things slow, making sure he was a good man to be around my kids.
I discussed my kids feelings with them along every important milestone and made sure they were comfortable with my husband and stepdaughter. When he proposed, and I spoke to my kids about how they felt, only one request (the promise) was made.
I would make sure that my kids and I had time together just the three of us still. I agreed to take my children out twice a month, just the three of us, with exceptions if need be.
As my kids remember their father, and Elizabeth’s mother was still in her life, we made a rule that neither of us would try to be parents to our step kids. We are responsible for our bio kids. This was discussed with all the children together.
Our kids are also allowed to choose how they feel about one another, whether or not they wished for a sibling relationship or something else. It’s not up for my husband and I to decide.
Back to present time, I still regularly take my kids out twice a month for an adventure with the three of us. This could be going out to dinner, a movie, the zoo, etc. I also take Elizabeth with me for some things, such as getting our nails done, shopping, volunteering. Sometimes my kids will come along as well.
My husband and I are still responsible for our own kids. We parent them differently, but that’s what is causing the problems.
We are each in charge of: Grades, Party Planning, Rewards, Punishments, Special parent-child time, Chore lists, Curfews/rules
The issue is, I am far more active in my kids lives than my husband is. I regularly celebrate my children, go to all their events, keep on top of their grades. I know where my kids are, I listen to their concerns, and speak about their lives. My husband doesn’t do those things for my stepdaughter. I think I underestimated how much this is creating tension between our kids.
Elizabeth and Aiden don’t interact with one another. Elizabeth and Sarah absolutely despise one another. Sarah and Aiden are best friends.
My husband came to me yesterday and said we needed to talk about how Sarah and Aiden (mostly Sarah) treat Elizabeth. He pointed out several instances of exclusionary behavior.
Such as:
Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.
Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)
Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.
Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.
Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.
Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.
Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.
Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.
My husband claimed that I was the cause of this problem by setting the example of excluding Elizabeth with the promise I made to my kids. He demands that I stop the practice and start to treat Elizabeth like my own kid.
I said no, as that is not part of our agreement, Elizabeth isn’t the one asking me, he isn’t willing to step up and act as a father to my kids, and my children come first, I will always make them feel valued.
I’m the only one who ever plans anything for the kids. Since we’ve bought a house together, he has only planned birthday parties for Elizabeth. Nothing else. He doesn’t plan family trips, dinners, celebratory events, none of that.
I know he won’t put in any effort for my kids as he barely does for his own. When I’ve brought this up to him in the past, he said it’s not my problem and reminds me of our agreement.
Oh and since I didn’t add it in, I’m going to speak to both of my kids separately and then together to get to the bottom of their behavior.
So AITA for refusing to break the promise to my kids?
Here's what people had to say to OP after her first post:
NTA I guess but did you not see how low effort his parenting was before you married him, since you took it slow etc? Maybe it’s just me, but I would have a very hard time respecting my partner if he was such a bare minimum father to his child.
So info didn’t you see how he treated Elizabeth before you guys got more serious? Your NTA but I’m curious about what you saw before you got married.
Some_Character9172 OP responded:
My husband and his ex wife had 50/50 custody. He usually spent time with me (dates) on the weeks where he didn’t have his daughter. And on the weeks that he did, it started with me, husband, and her only, and then slowly introducing my kids into more of a blended structure.
I see how you commented he didn’t do anything for your kids he said they aren’t my kids but wants you to include her what a hypocrite
The next day OP provided a bunch ofclarifications and a long update:
Wow. Hi all. I did not expect this to blow up nor did I expect to be posting again after only 24 hours. A lot has happened in that time.
First I want to address some information that was previously left out in my original post. It seems I am not a very good writer. I also apologize in advance for using a lot of lists in this post, it helps me think to have things written out.
1. Both my husband and I were unaware of the dynamic in our household. We both work long hours during the week and don’t spend much time together at home. For context, my work schedule is 8-6 Mon-Thurs, I have Fridays and Sundays off, and the option to come in on Saturdays when I wish to.
My kids and I go to sleep around 8-9, Elizabeth stays up a little later, and my husband goes to sleep around 7. He works 12 hour shifts from 6-6 every day and wakes up for work around 5. He also has Fridays and Sundays off. I usually plan for the weekends on Monday, which we typically are out of the house for. We as in me (always) my kids, stepdaughter, and hubby.
2. I do spend time with my stepdaughter, as stated in the previous post.
3. My husband and Elizabeth have different ideas of spending time together. For me and my kids, it’s getting out of the house. For those two, it’s staying home, playing board games or watching a movie. This activity started because my husband wasn’t in a good financial situation post-divorce and he couldn’t afford to take her out often. So they did spend a lot of time together.
4. Elizabeth’s mother (Bailey) is in jail and has been for five months. She committed a small crime and was sentenced to a year. She keeps in contact with Elizabeth via phone calls, letters, and visitation. Saturdays are usually spent now with me and Elizabeth going to visit Bailey, unless I need to work. Her father doesn’t bring her.
5. My kids and Elizabeth did get along. The exclusion doesn’t happen during family trips or when I’m around.
6. Sarah has a car but Elizabeth doesn’t, though she has a license. Sarah has been working since she was 15 and I agreed that I would pay half+insurance, while Sarah pays the other half+gas.
7. Aiden was also not on the cedar point trip. I paid for most of the cost but Sarah helped and a lot of the other girls parents+kids chipped in as well.
8. I am more strict with my kids than my husband is with Elizabeth. They have a curfew, grade expectations, safety regulations, etc.
I think that’s it but I might add some if I think of anything else. I am also going to address the previous points. These are not justifications, just how I see them along with more clarification.
Sarah driving Aiden around but not Elizabeth.
-Aiden does not have a license and has multiple outside activities. Elizabeth drives either mine or my husbands car.
Sarah and Aiden deciding to have the two bedrooms across the house from Sarah. (Originally Aiden and Elizabeth would’ve had them)
-Our house has two master bedrooms and two regular bedrooms. Sarah was going to have one of the masters, but she insisted Elizabeth take it, her reasoning being she won’t have to share a bathroom with her stepbrother. The two masters are on the main floor, the regular rooms are on the second floor. (Literally just a hallway with bedrooms and a bathroom.)
Sarah not inviting Elizabeth on her birthday trip to Cedar Point despite them having the same friend group.
-Said in point 7
Sarah spending money buying Aiden gifts but not Elizabeth.
-I don’t see a problem with this. Sarah earns her own money, she can spend it as she pleases.
Aiden refusing to allow Elizabeth to use his technology.
-He and Sarah are both gamers but Aiden is 10x more invested in it than Sarah.
Sarah and Aiden only doing things Elizabeth doesn’t enjoy while at home or stopping when Elizabeth wants to join.
-Not sure but defo not okay.
Aiden refusing to cook for Elizabeth.
-Aiden cooked a lot as a kid and developed a passion for it. He cooks dinner for the entire fam (including Elizabeth) and will cook separate things on Sarah’s request, like lunch or breakfast, and she will also buy him ingredients for new recipes either of them wish to try.
Sarah buying all three of them locks for their bedroom doors, which my husband claims was only to make it look like Sarah did something nice for Elizabeth.
-This one I also see no issue with. Privacy is important and all three installed their locks.
Update:
I spoke with all three kids last night separately and told them all to write a list of things they want to address in today’s family meeting. I found out a lot that absolutely shocked me when I spoke privately.
For the family meeting, we all sat down in the living room. I asked Elizabeth to speak first, since she is the one who is upset and without explanation for her behavior. She reiterated the statements above, and added some things on her list.
Elizabeth’s List:
Movie nights upstairs without her
Refusing to drive her to school/leaving without her.
(Sarah) refusing to invite her to hang out with their friends or lying about where she was going.
(Sarah) having a group chat without her.
Refusing to even attempt a sibling relationship with her.
Putting locks on their doors and using the bathroom to be able to visit each other/hang out.
Gaming without her.
Elizabeth said she felt as if they hated her and wanted her gone. She said she is just as worthy of a parent as Sarah and Aiden were, and how it’s unfair that we get to be a family and she doesn’t have one.
Sarah (very rudely) asked if she honestly felt she has any less of a family then she and Aiden do.
Elizabeth was going to say something else, but my husband stepped in and asked Sarah to read her list.
Though Sarah told me last night about what Elizabeth had been doing, I didn’t expect how blunty she would bring it up.
Sarah’s List:
Breaking into their bedrooms and stealing their stuff/food.
Insisting on sharing clothes/matching.
Insisting on a sibling relationship when already declined by both.
Following her around school and forcing herself into Sarah’s friend group despite being told multiple times to leave them alone.
Threatening to go to teachers/me and hubby if they didn’t.
Stealing and then ruining Sarah’s makeup.
Telling my kids they should be happy their father died because now they have her dad and a sister.
Making in appropriate comments towards anime characters out loud while watching together (this includes minors)
Insisting Aiden has a crush on her.
Getting handset with Aiden and then getting defensive when Sarah interviens/calls her out for doing so. (This is the real reason Sarah insisted on the bedroom situation.)
Purchasing two fun items and giving one two Sarah after she confessed to a crush on TV.
Throwing a fit whenever she loses in a game or any form of competition.
Refuses to study/spend time on school and then complaining when she doesn’t get good grades.
Expecting me to step up and do everything for her, even though I do not do those things for even my own kids, instead of her father.
Constantly being late getting ready for school and then being upset they don’t wait for her.
Flirting with Sarah’s boyfriend at the time because “sisters share everything.”
Refusing to get a job or do anything worthwhile while being jealous of both kids accomplishments.
When she was done, I asked Aiden if Elizabeth was really trying to touch him. He didn’t answer at first, but after a moment said yes. Elizabeth denied it immediately, but Sarah shut her down and said she wasn’t finished speaking.
Sarah told Elizabeth that she was a disgusting human being, that she thinks she can get away with anything she wants but she can’t. None of their “friends” like her and wouldn’t be around her if Elizabeth didn’t make them. That she was spoiled and entitled. That if she ever tried to do anything with her brother, Sarah and everyone else would make her life living hell.
I stopped Sarah there, as I don’t tolerate threats of violence. Elizabeth said it’s not fair, that she and Sarah have similar interests, and that she’s only treated worse because she’s ugly and Sarah isn’t. “When you do it, it’s cool. When I do it, it’s trashy and weird.” Sarah argued back, saying it doesn’t have anything to do with her looks, shes just a bad person.
Elizabeth brought up how Sarah is the bad one, purposefully excluding her, spending time with me separately, refusing to acknowledge her in the house she lives in, refusing to accept her and her father as family, that they both lost a parent.
Sarah: “My dad is dead. He’s never coming back. Your mom is in jail. You speak with her daily. See her every week. It’s not the same at all.”
Elizabeth: “It is the same! I share my dad, you’re just bitching that you have to share your mom now.”
Sarah: “At least my dad didn’t choose to leave me. Your mom had a choice and I can see why she chose it.”
Elizabeth sla$#ed Sarah. Aiden hit Elizabeth. Husband pushed Aiden into a mirror hung on the wall.
I started screaming at my husband to keep his hands off of my children while telling my kids to go pack a bag. Kids ran off, Elizabeth followed them, husband and I were screaming at each other. I could hear Elizabeth pounding on their doors and crying.
After a lot of yelling my husband sla*&ed me, then Sarah started screaming at Elizabeth (apparently Aiden was putting the bags in the car) and the girls disappeared, I found them in my bedroom fighting because Sarah was packing a bag for me. I told Sarah to go wait in the car while I pack.
She hesitantly obeyed, I packed my bag while husband and Elizabeth were screaming at me, then left. Sarah was on the curb in the drivers seat, so I let her drive away and then told her to switch with me. My son had to be taken to the hospital as the mirror had cut him.
Aiden needed 17 stitches and has a concussion. I am pressing charges against my husband and filing for separation and divorce immediately.
I’m currently writing this from our hotel room. I spoke to Sarah and asked why she didn’t bring any of this up previously. She told me that Elizabeth only started acting like that after husband had already proposed, and both she and Aiden wanted me to be happy, because they’d seen how depressed I was after my late husband died.
This obviously broke my heart. I told her (and later Aiden) that they are my happiness. Sarah argued and said that since I’d made so many sacrifices it’s only fair that they did too.
I promised her that she never needs to sacrifice anything for me, as I am their mother. Sarah started crying, apologizing and just saying how she never meant for me to lose another husband and that she never would’ve let Aiden get hurt. I kept reassuring her the whole ride to our hotel.
My kids are asleep now. I’m scared. Neither husband nor Elizabeth has contacted me. I’m not sure if I want them to.
That’s it for now. Thanks all for the comments.
Question: Should I go to the jail and speak to Bailey? It seems my husband didn’t know about Elizabeth's behavior and I didn’t either. So I just want answers.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
Don’t contact the ex wife, it will only be more messy. Your focus needs to be on you and your children now. Elizabeth and her issues are his problem and you have enough on your plate. I’m sorry.
Press charges, record everything, bruises to your face, hospital records for your son etc and get the police to come with you when you move out. You are not safe even going back to that house. I am glad you are all out of that house. Your husband and Elizabeth are unhinged!
Also, make sure the school are aware so they can separate Elizabeth from your children.
That's a LOT. I'm very glad you and your kids are safe. What an absolutely crazy day.
I think you handled it all as well as you could. I'm not sure what you could possibly accomplish in going to see Elizabeth's mother. I get that you want answers but there may not be any to be had. Jealousy sounds the most likely culprit but Elizabeth's issues sound complex.
And I think your focus should be you and your children. Stick together. Be safe. Hope it all works out.
Some_Character9172 OP responded:
I did file a police report at the hospital. Nobody has said anything to me though about if police contacted my husband. I’ve never been in a legal matter like this so I’m not sure what happens now.