'AITA for keeping my late wife's money aside for our children?'
"AITA for keeping my late wife's money aside for my our children?"
Every-Bat9568
I lost my late wife when our children were young. She had money that was hers (we had joint and separate finances). Anything that was her separate finances is being saved for our children.
Where the question of this comes in is I have remarried and I have a stepchild and another biological child with my present wife. She was always aware that I consider this money for the children I had with my late wife only.
But recently she feels it's unfair because they have money set aside for the future that will at least help get them started after they turn 18 while we sometimes had to make sacrifices due to inflation, etc.
The latest thing was my stepdaughter wanted to join these dance classes that would help in her dream of professional dancing. We could not afford those specific dance classes. My wife was upset. She wanted to do this so badly for my stepdaughter.
And for those who'll ask, the bio father is not in the picture and has not been found so he can pay child support and yes, he was searched for on more than one occasion but my wife has no idea where her ex is.
She wanted to know why there's money set aside for just two of the kids for their future instead of using it now to make our lives easier. I told her my late wife wanted this for them and I believe the money should be spent on my children with my late wife anyway.
I told her we still had a good life. We just didn't have all the luxuries. And like a lot of families we struggled when inflation hit but we were still doing good. My wife cannot access this money by the way and I know that will also be asked. I also have arrangements made in case something happens to me.
My wife then said that we could pay for extra curricular's for all four kids out of the money and have that off our minds and we could get back to saving, etc. I said no. She told me I'm acting like my late wife had left a will with instructions, which she didn't, and she also accused me of treating my stepdaughter and my youngest child like they are less deserving.
I said the money is not mine. It was my late wife's and it will be our children's and that my wife should stop treating it as anything else. She told me I'm being very unreasonable. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Peony-Pony
NTA The inheritance from your deceased wife was a premarital asset. It's not in the "our" money pot. It's in the "my" money pot and you have been saving it for the children you had with your first wife. You wife doesn't have to like it but it is what it is. She's not entitled to use the money.
MyDarlingArmadillo
Exactly. She's saying the first two children are being privileged becuase they have money to look forward to but that's there because their mother died. It's not a privilege. I hope she's not trying to guilt trip the two children about it or treating them any differently because of it.
I think OP would be wise to tie it up in a trust for his eldest two just to take the option right off the table. It's money from their mother, not a family asset. Stepmother can get a job if she wants more money for dance lessons.
piccapii
THIS. My parents have both died and left an inheritance that allowed me to purchase a house. If people find out they're often like "Wow, that's awesome you own your own home. How lucky." Usually my response is something like "Yeah. Only at the cost of my parents. Super lucky."
The money, while I'm grateful as hell for it, does feel like a shitty consolation prize. The children shouldn't feel guilted - it's basically a payout for not getting to live the rest of their lives with their mother.
TickityTickityBoom
NTA and just wrap the money up in a formal trust for your two children who’s mother passed. Have it time limited at 25 when they get it, and from 18 for only education. Your wife will need to get a job to fund your stepdaughters extras and get over herself. I’d suggest a few sessions of couples therapy to get on the same page.
Worth-Season3645
NTA…This money was from your late wife and it is for the children you both had together. It is not for any step children or other children you might have with someone else. If it was a need, (like a medical issue maybe), I could possibly see using some of those funds, but anything that is a want, nope. Your current wife is the unreasonable one.
Shichimi88
NTA. Your current wife is not entitled to your kids inheritance from their mom. Put it in a trust so she can’t touch it. Designate a someone you trust to look after them that’s not your current wife.
NaryaGenesis
NTA. This money belonged to their mom. She has no connection to your current stepchild or bio child. They are not her responsibility. That money is for the kids who are. You need to make it clear that it is a hard boundary that your wife can’t mention and that it isn’t “family” money.
Lovebug-1055
She’s the one being unreasonable. It’s not your money, it’s not her money, it belongs to your children. That’s where the money will stay and that will never change. She needs to move on from this nonsense and greed.
MsDReid
Tell her to get to dashing or a second job or whatever and pay for those dance classes. If they are important enough for her to steal your late wife’s money they should be important enough for her to work for.
Specific-Syllabub-54
NTA if she wants your stepdaughter your youngest to be able to do extracurricular activities she needs to start budgeting for them but instead she is choosing to wait until the last minute and trying to guilt you into giving away your children’s money left from there mom.
Honestly you never should have told her about the money. At this point I wonder if you just put the money into a trust with strict rules about accessing. I know there are different types of trusts. You should consult a lawyer or an estate planner.