'AITA for keeping my wedding venue a secret from my sister?' UPDATED
"AITA For Keeping My (25 F) Wedding Venue Secret From My Sister?"
I’m in a bit of a pickle and could use your judgement. Pls do not hesitate to give me your honest opinions Here’s the sitch: My biological father (50), who I am estranged from and have absolutely no contact with, is really obsessed with me. Stalkerish, Allerleirauh-level obsessed.
In the past, my sister (27), not out of malice but due to her carelessness, has given him information about my whereabouts and activities, despite my explicit instructions not to. Once again, I don’t think she was being malicious!
She just genuinely is a very bubbly and excitable person, she gets excited about my achievements (etc) then blurts out what I’m doing completely thoughtlessly. She does this with a lot of stuff, with a lot of people. This has led to several not so great moments and confrontations.
Now, I'm about to get married. Given the past incidents, I've decided not to share any details of the wedding venue with my sister. She knows the date and has been instructed to be ready by a certain time, at which point my mom & step-dad will pick her & her boyfriend up and bring them to the ceremony. This is purely to prevent any information from reaching my biological father.
My sister is quite upset by this. She feels like I'm treating her like a child, and she’s arguing that she should have the autonomy to drive herself and leave whenever she wants. She insists that she's learned from her past mistakes. However, I'm really concerned that she might slip up and mention the venue to our father, who 100% would show up uninvited, causing a scene (to put it mildly).
He has a history of being disruptive, and I worry he might try to confront/fight my fiancé or insist on walking me down the aisle, both of which would be very distressing for everyone involved. To me it’s bad enough I can’t keep the wedding a secret, because now I have to assume he knows and is looking for me.
I understand my sister's frustration, but I feel like I'm in a no-win situation. On one hand, I want to keep my wedding day peaceful and focused on celebrating with my fiancé and loved ones. On the other hand, I hate that I have to resort to such measures and cause tension with my sister.
Also, Security is being hired but I’m not super confident in them being able to stop my 6’7” dad when he’s on a warpath. I’ve seen him quite literally grab a full grown man and chuck them like a hay bale. So, AITA for not trusting my sister with the details of my wedding venue until the day of the wedding?
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
Discount_Mithral said:
NTA. Everyone deserves to feel safe from a stalker, no matter what. If your sister can't be trusted with info concerning keeping you safe, then she doesn't get that info. My worry is she will get it from someone else, though.
OP responded:
I don’t think so? Her past blurting incidents were dramatic AF, so my mom & step-dad are PISSED and very mindful about that. She’s not close and doesn’t know most of my friends, regardless I’ve told all my friends not to give her any info. She asks them a question, no matter how innocuous, send her to me.
My fiancé’s family is aware of the situation and they are legitimately the most mindful people I’ve ever met, so I’m pretty sure they’ll stay mum.
TheDestroyer229 said:
NTA. While your sister may say she's "learned from her mistakes," you have zero proof that she has done so. She has, in the past, broken your trust when it comes to sensitive information, and she hasn't regained that trust. There's nothing wrong with the compromise you've given, as the alternative is that she doesn't get to go to your wedding at all.
It may suck for her, but she still needs to regain your trust. Better to leave her in the dark than for your dad to barge in and ruin your wedding day.
OP responded:
Yeah, I’m not planning on changing what I’m doing necessarily? So much as just seeing if I’m in the right or wrong since the last time she did this she was 16-17 or so.
VeritasB said:
Your safety is the priority here. I get where your sister is coming from, but there is no trust that she will be able to contain herself. Life isn't always fair. If she wants to attend these are the rules, that is just how it has to be. NTA.
OP responded:
I honestly wasn’t expecting this to be such an issue for her! I’ve kept her on a rather vague information diet for YEARS. I didn’t think this was anything new! Like, I feel like I would have 100% been the asshole if my parents showed up with a dress day of and was like “get dressed, get in, OP is getting married. Surprise!”
Catacombs3 said:
NTA. After the wedding you can test you sister's ability to keep quiet about your life on something unimportant (eg give her a decoy location for your next weekend away). See if she really can NOT tell her father about you.
Be aware that in some relationships, information is currency to 'win' affection/attention/status. So your sister may be trading something your father values (details of your life) for something she wants (approval). It is very difficult to break this dynamic.
OP responded:
Yeah I don’t tell her everything, and she definitely doesn’t tell him everything, but big stuff she has. I know he knows more about me currently too that she’s told him, but as far as I’m aware he hasn’t acted on it.
I wish I knew the logic behind it because then I could preempt his actions but no, he’s gotta be random about it. Wedding though, that’s a big one that traditionally requires his presence, so that’s one I’m certain about.
Petefriend86 said:
NTA. You get to feel safe, and she still gets to come to the wedding.
And OP responded:
Mhm! I think part of the issue is we haven’t had the time to talk face to face (she lives in a different town) so I can really get to the root of the issue here. I personally think it’s because her BF has really bad social anxiety? But she hasn’t said that.
She later shared this update:
We met up at my mom’s and my sister and I talked. The car issue is indeed because of her boyfriend’s social anxiety, and she’s willing to ride with mom & stepdad there, and Uber back. We started to argue about my lack of trust in her and some things came up. So turns out my sister was partially unaware of the full extend and gravity of the situation, and swallowed my dad’s narrative hook line and sinker.
It’s fascinating in a horrifying way seeing your own life and lived in experiences described through a completely different lens. While her past blabs were not intentional or cruel, they were done with an ignorant carelessness. I corrected what I could, but she didn’t believe a lot until I started directing her to witnesses (our stepmom being a big one).
My sister started to get hysterical and had to leave. Waiting on the situation to calm down some before I continue addressing it, and/or preparing for any changes. Haven’t had time to talk about her social media or phone, but considering she had blamed my mom for everything and asked me to forgive my dad before revelations fully came to light, things are looking complicated to say the least.